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2022-07-11 - 9:38 p.m.

The CEO of a woman owned small business I supported has accepted my invite on Linked In.
Of all the people connected to she is the one I am most excited accepted the invite and I would LOVE if that company needed any support and she wanted to hire me as a consultant.

I need to pick up my game of preparing quotes.

Whenever I work in a space I NEVER TAKE ANYTHING With ME


I have never brought home so much as a template.

The bummer for me is I developed a kickin intake form to be appended to the company website of a compay I worked for in the past.

My web designer created a simple intake form for me. But I need to recreate the more detailed inquiry which clearly articulates ALL the services I can provide and captures a clearer image of the kind of work flow a potential client wants/ needs support for.

THEN I can prepare a quote based on their needs. A reasonable quote. Identification of where their pain points are and how I can add value by providing practical solutions or just where their steady work they need support is and what tasks I can do. (Honeslty the last job they only wanted me to work in a narrow lane. I did not provide the kind of depth of support that provided in the prior two spaces- but then again it was part time so I didn't mind this.)
I had used this inquiry form I had created and I won business for my old employer, and then a co-worker and I provided support to clients. We were a good team. I actually rocked the development calls then- but that was after the CFO there had preliminarily made intial contacts. We just had to sell ourselves really- my co worker and I who were to provide support. (In the end it ended up being me at first until I left that company)

My former co worker ALSO left that company we had supported. He just landed a data analyst role! HE was working on his masters in data analytics after an economics undergrad degree. Happy for him he pivoted to do what he was excited to move into. The job he had was not in that same exact role as me, was junioe entry level and more records management. I coached him in setting up a CLM system. It was funny as he was so out of his mileu at first so I was leading the work with the provider of that systems and our configuration of it,but in time I remember intentionally pulling back and having him lead those meetings about how to set up the system and configure certain things because I was REALLY comfortable with it but he was not. I wanted him to grow and kinda set him up to do so by pulling back and giving him stuff to take ownership of. He rose to the occassion and did fine. It was so funny however as initially when I asked him to just lead a call I could not make he kept saying no. He would reschedule it when I was available- but I then coached him through to have confidence to lead the next call and I intentionally tried not to talk much at all excpet when there was something he did not know how to address at all and he asked for my buy in. Totally my style.... to kick back and teach and let someone else learn,and most importantly let someone else have the control in the moment of being the driver of the project or conversation (with intention).

It was a good thing as then he got good at it; and I was paid substantially more than him so when they did downsize he could handle that - and there was no dependency on me. I mean good for the company. Truth is I never want there to be a dependency on me and believe in ensuring someone else knows what I am doing so that they can jump in.

So today I asked for some system to send my boss an invite so she can set up access. Over the next couple days I will review all the log ins I have and ask the admin for EACH of thet supplier systems to set my boss up. I think the company I am at did not really think this through in deciding to transition me to a 1099 and having me return the company computer and work on my own equiptment, I have to ask if they want me to keep the company email and forward it to my company email? That could be done If not then it will be read and responded to by my boss which is fine. Their answer lets me know how much continuity they really intend in this transition to 1099. I think they are actually just being kind. However not expecting much work from them just a few hours here and there. The thing is as an employee I was moreso on retainer to be logged in and available. YET I was billing time worked. Maybe that was my mistake. The other admin support like the HR Director and Exec ADMIN are also part time and they also just do what work comes in and just log their 4 hrs a day consistenly regardless if they work all that time. I think my mistake was I was logging ACTUAL hrs and for a long time actually had more than that! BUT then once a few big deals done being negotiated- well not much business development support needed now. I had the conversation with my boss and said I was ledgering actual hrs and she said "Oh please do" when to be honest what I was really trying to ask was if it OK for me to keep billing the 20 hrs cause it was the retainer time. SHIT I just did not directly Ask that question. I phrased it more as how I had been billing actual time but the work flow has diminshed (BD guy and VP not as agressive just now in attempts to capture new business it seems to me) but she was so curt I think when I stared that conversation she knew where I was going to go with it. She was so quick and clear in response. That was a few weeks back, before being told I was to be switched to a 1099. I was seriously hoping she was going to say "Oh just bill your 20 hrs each week" I thought maybe I was being too particular and worried and they budgeted for that as I have added value and they want the investement of my expertise when there is a tough issue /situation bubbling up. The truth is I DID serve them well through a couple of hot contentious negotiations that I helped move along. No kidding I rocked them. But its the impression of the CEO/President that seems to have switched. Its like his brain flips a switch and I went from in his favor to out of his favor. That is clear to me. I know when it happened to. Just a bummer as it was a good job in a company I liked with a really chill fantastic work environment. I think at some level I am too type A for them and that is why the lack of work made me nervous and I mentioned it. Honestly if I never said ANYTHING I think it might have been better for me. CE la vie... Oh yeah and if I had not been late on account of finalizing that damn $25 Million dollar deal I was SIGNING The contract of the same damn day as our first in person company wide event. I tell you I was late and my boss and the CEO Were pissed. That was the moment. The thing is I was late as I DID NOT want to show up with a lingering deal ALMOST done. I wanted it signed sealed and delivered KNOWING he was going to give the update of that big win at the meeting/lunchon. BUT FUCK I was also late due to anxiety of the perfectionism of that NEEDING to be finalized... but really I could have shown up with confidence on time knowing we just finalized in a negotiation and all we needed was the signature. What the CEO may not know is the counterpart on that deal agreed to items TWICE BEFORE Then would change his mind and not sign. And I had to get on a call AGAIN and go through an issue AGAIN to smooth over his anxiety. This dude had some issues..... no kidding... and the death of my career with that company is that is the same due with such Ego and frustrated as I deconstructed his illogical reasoning to get to the heart of his real concern. (Lack of trust!) IT was typical of many business negotiations but this guy was far more expressive and I didn't mind that at all once we got into a real conversation. But before we got there the guy was literally abusively gaslighting and absolutely mysogonistic. I made the MISTAKE of venting to my boss and VP about that. I likely should not have bothered venting to them at all. It just made me look bad. They did not witness how he acted one way when my VP ( a man) was on a call and then the crazy shit he was saying to me when the guy was not there. I felt very supported by my VP but I think the CFO just did not understand and even though I was honestly really effective in the end in that negotiation ( YES we had a breakthough. I ended with decent and productive conversations that were respectful with that CEO- who once got to the heart of his fear stopped his defensive and gaslighting attacks and manipulation- cause they did not WORK... I mean I held the fucking line of not giving in to the changes he wanted that were non negotiable) I just think my CEO underestimated me. The CFO underestimated me. My Gut honestly told me that dude who kept changing his mind and had not yet signed could do it again and I wanted no drama so did spend and hour cleaning up the final agreed and sending it to him for signature INSTEAD of NOT WORKING ON that THAT PARTICULAR HOUR and then driving to the one damn in person fancy work event the company had in years. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I made the wrong choice. I was nervous about that deal being done. And in that choice I ruined my professional credibility. Cause not only was I SUPER nervous I have this thing that my nerves NEVER SHOW in the performance. Doesn't matter if it is a show ( as acted in past) or when played guitar and sang at my friends BD party or a debate ( as when did the tournaments competively) OR A serious business negotiation with 25 Million on the line... I mean it was a fucking 25 million dollar deal. And i just fucking CLOSED it But they were so pissed I showed up late. IT was bad.... I had to sit at the head table NEXT to the CEO. It was the spot for me. DAMN It was overt and obvious and there was no sneaking in late and blending in. (I thought I would be able to- I Assumed they would be having drinks and mingling... and they did but I showed up AFTER all seated ) OK So the thing is AFTER The performance is when I get nervous. NOT overtly typically BEFORE or DURING. I am so logical and effective and calm and execute well under pressure. BUT AFTER I am then a mess. So bad timing. And I was still ruminating in my brain about some of the nitty gritty of this deal. So I talked to the CTO about the techincality of the scope of work...about why I was obsessing to get some of that RIGHT. And joking about why they don't have him negotiate and do deals as he digs into the weeds so much and demands such exact accuracy and clarity of things no one else cares or understands and often a more general description is really OK ( not all the time. I am really good at discerning HOW Techincal a contract need be) BUT I was still thinking of it so talked of some of the issues with him and I think the VP too. I just needed to do so I guess... and I thought they knew me well enough to GET IT. To not , I don't know assume I am really as bad as him?? HA HA I swear the CTO to me acts autistic. I mean no lie. SUPER BRIGHT And quirky Some traits for sure. CLEARLY neurodivergent Hell that is one reason I loved working at this company as I thought I could be myself and NOT MASK so I did not mask that day. But that was my mistake. I trusted them too much and should have fucking just been on time expecting them to be judgemental and pissed if I was not on time AND made small talk. Pleasantries Hid the actual anxiety. Had a drink Whatever Been bright and bubbly and not cerebral and intense. And not laughed out loud heartily only once... which was when the CEO was talking about the job he gave his daughter's boyfriend. I think I had a BLURT... something like "Ah that is what I love about small companies! The nepotism!" I thought it was funny but also TRUE, and I did not mean it as an insult. I had just had a conversation with a PM who had told me how he was tasked with finding a job and training the EX Wife of the CEO!! HA HA He said he had to get her up to speed to be able to do the work and it was a challenge but they did find her a role. So yeah the CEOs ex wife has a good paying job created for her after their divorce. I was so fucking struck by the actual working together and the fact he was trying to CARE for her well being as opposed to my EX husband trying to DESTROY me. I mean it really moved me and I thought that was fucking AWESOME. So my blurt was too loud, thinking out loud... FUCK and I didn't DRINK! Hell if I had a drink I would have been sleepy and quiet and maybe not nervous after having closed a major deal. This must be why so many drink! To chill the fuck out and not be an anxious mess. FUCK it was was that one event that ruined my career at this company. The social disaster.

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