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2022-07-27 - 9:16 a.m.

How the fuck could you make a website domain into an NFT?
the news story that someone is working on that just distracted me.

I need to read more about that.

I still think NFTs etc are really early in their interation and some of this came to market too quickly before maturity and before the MARKET is ready for them-
such that SURE they WILL Take off and some early adopters will make millions or billions if the one that hits big is that they have an interest in

BUT I think 80% of those invested in MOST of the early adoption of trying to capitalize this will lose their investment.

I just feel like it is too early still.

MY gut

Hope not as my son invested a bit.

But he did so only with what he can lose. Not beyond means- so think an OK gamble.

I am taking 2 min to write and check work email. Do have work but it is not what I call RIPE yet

I have to send a clear email of what I need to be able to draft as I consistently don't get all the moving parts. My boss is great and will gather them but I want to give more guidance

Well I did vreate this in the process doc that she had no interest in really looking at ! HA HA It was to improve efficiency.

I am going to work on the clear procedures for MY Engagement in MY OWN Procedure/process doc for MY Company !

That is the cool thing about running your own company.

I won't push this issue with my initial first client- but for any NEW ones I will send a clear articulation of WHAT TO SEND ME TO SUPPORT YOU. Part of it is the issue of the quality of work I will do. Some want to well.. take risks and cut corners but I honestly want to not do that. I need to be clear that if someone wants me to do work for them they best be willing to pay for the ime to do it right. (Without being pushy and off putting. I need to work on that! HA HA but really the VALUE of hiring me is to get the work done RIGHT to reduce someon's risk! )

SO yeah- I need to come up with a process document of my expectations upon engagement. What I need before drafing documents and my philosophy so clients can ascertain if I AM a good fit based on their own expectations and risk assessment. ( Heck some prefer to just GET IT DONE and TAKE higher risk than I would ! To each his own... but some also prefer to sometimes sign of on attestations even if they don't know WHAT THEY MEAN Or say YES when they know an answer REALLY is No.. and frankly I don't want to work for folks like that! I have integrity and intend to not ever compromise that! So not every place is a good fit for me to support!) Once I create my process document I will mail it to the current client too.

BUT DAMN of course I honor NDA and honor that any created works are those of the company I am employed by when a W2.

(Maybe to a fault?)

So have to start from scratch to write my OWN document

Not that hard
Just need to carve out the time to get it done.

Just brainstorming here of my next steps.

Organically as work comes in I can create my templates one at a time OR I can create a rough draft to have an outline and bare bones start before someone needs it. I prefer to do that and be prepared.

But today's To do:

It is not going to be too hot

This morning I already washed my front porch in prep of touch up painting. That is not a big job- just a bit of touch up. I don't want to power wash that and strip any paint as it was re-painted somewhat recently ( year before last?) and it looks good overall. It showed up on the HOA TO DO List cause one part of the step snapped off! The wood had an imprefection and about 1/4 inch of the end of one step snapped off. I am just going to paint over that exposed broken board. (It is good enough!)

The damn front door frame is dry rotted. AGAIN

This is the one that ART rebuilt for me I want to say about 5 years ago now? I had hired him then.

He did a better job that the crappy work of the first guy I hired. Art rebuild it and it looked good. BUT he did not use better quality materials obviously than the first guy. I remember I WANTED That plastic stuff that would NEVER ROT but I could not afford it at the time.

I am going to do a hack job-- freking rock hard mud - pull out some of the dry rot and put in fill and paint over the shitty spots to hide them.

Hell no worse than the company I hired to REPLACE THE ROTTED RAKE BOARD ( 8 yrsa go maybe? I hired them to paint the porch and house trim) WHEN after they were done I noticed it was obvious they just painted over the Rake board I intended they replace.

That company actually did good work overall. AGAIN it was the single mom, lover of the owner's discount at the time... I mean if I was not Henry's current lover at the time I was a recent one...( His brother knew we were FRIENDS... not sure he knew we were lover's at the time) . In any case even if he did not know, he knew I am a single mom and I tell you the price he gave was so good it had to be an act of sheer kindness. ( It was also all I could afford at the time! So I could not complain they did not replace the one board when they freaking painted my whole house trim for a steal! ) The same board showed up on the current HOA List!! ON my TO DO again.

When involved, Henry and I were both in between

I love that in between lover

The one in beteen a long term relationship

Hell maybe that is the only kind of relationship I REALLY am happiest with?

Maybe my fear of commitment after abuse is too hig

NOT that is not it at all. I don't FEAR commitment

I just have actual high standards. Some day I may meet someone that can meet them. I also have a complicated family! Maybe someday I will meet someone that LIKES my cool family! ( They are pretty awesome! In other words maybe someday I will fins someone NOT ABELIST but also not freaking lazy. That seems to be the tough thing to find. See I work my ass off. I work THROUGH Limitations and I have a hard time I know MYSELF not judging those who are in my family bona fide disabled who can't work as hard. I don't need anyone else in my life who is not even aware of their ableism! Hell I am myself a person stuggling through disabilites yet at least I can acknowlege at times I fall into the abelist viewpoint and judge- and no one can see another's pain. BUT at the same time I have to try to encourage my kids to do what they can and TRY and not allow mindset/depression to overcome them. KEY IS FIND WHAT YOU LOVE as that is energizing! If you haven't it is harder to find energy cause somehow you HAVE TO keep going and getting the shit done one doesn't WANT to do. Anyway... It is important I date a guy that GETS All that- even the contradictions of my family life without judgement.

SO I am the female form of Gerry! I judge guys if they are not working hard enough. But I judge them also if they criticize my family for not working hard enough (HA HA)
I laugh as the current guy seeing again ( yes I submitted to deciding why the hell not as long as I make sure HE ALWAYS respects my boundaries)

I mean I have a date this Friday and did enjoy when we went out a few weeks back....and he made it clear he would like to be intimately involved again ( I mean it was clear a few months back but I did not want to get involved...well As it is TRUE when a guy has few lovers it makes him less attractive to me; less able to trust he is into me for me ...
I mean it makes me wonder if he just wants a variety of sexually fulfilling experiences and that is his big motivator-- YEAH I HAve a trust issue that that can't be the primary thing in a realtionship with me.

that has to be the ICING ON THE CAKE of having developed a relationship

But maybe that is just hypocritical and selfish and narcissistic of me.

Hell OK for ME to have a couple lovers? Cause the realtionships work ( like the Buffalo guy...) while dating but NOT OK for a guy I am seeing?

OK not true- t was alwasy OK for both the guy in Buffalo and this guy her to have other lovers.

I have to admidt I think it is just that the one time this guy was not careful in my boundary respecting and didn't grab for that condom

And I was Already THERE
It was a HUGE breach of trust

I mean I am FINE with someone who is CAREFUL and sexually really responsible. I don't care WHAT my lover does when with others as long as he is treating me well and we have a healthy open transparent relationship based on TRUST


That is the Given for me.

So I realized it was that one breach of trust- and we did discuss and he did take accountabilty and apologize so I decided to move on and keep seeing him as recognized

It is MY PRIDE and MY FEARS in a way that made it easy to date him during Caronavirus when we only saw each other BUT That made

him less interested as he is in this expolartory pahse and I am NOT the one for him

so it was my PRIDE That took the hit.

He is definately developing this strong sense of self and sexually learning more about himself these recent years. ( I mean this guy was married for a LONG TIME. Divorced in somewhat recent years... and hell every post divorcee deserves a few eyars of self growth an actual sextual growth!!)

But if I can overcome my pride and enjoy the company of this guy who is not madly in love with me
knowing that I actually REALLY ENOJY HIS COMPANY
I mean I really like him

and weirdly we actually have more aligned personal interests perhaps than anyone else I ever dated. He actually DOES volunteer work. He actually EXERCISES
He actually experienced and understands chronic pain without judgement ( and I love the way he pushes through it and is active)
He actually met my autistic kid

Hell I even sabatogued ( in a way!) first date.... but it was CHRISTMAS DAY for goodness sake and I didn't want to leave my kid home

and BROUGHT my kid to go do a voluneer thing with him

Then he invited me to a date to see- which he COULD NOT HAVE KNOWN - a show run and curated at the freaking business of one of my all time FAVORITE people
( HA My acquantence/friend (cause not close but I still call him friend) who recruited me to be on the board of the Arts org a good 12 years ago when he was resigning to start his own Art therapy business! He freaking recruited me to that spot! HA HA I mean this man was the FIRST director my SON worked with in a play when he was in preschool and my kid never got off the stage since. He was transforamtive in our lives. He also was the first who called out abuse- not meaning to but in a moment. of what more than clarivoiance- he was like a conduit giving message... I swear it sounds so hokey but the moment was so vibrabtly charged with imporatnce as he said to me with such conviction something... I can't remember the words... about how sometimes in a marriage y the rest of the world might see one thing but underlying there can be unhealthy reality of abuse and how anyone in such a such a marraige has to know there are those who will see them and love them and help them and there is no reason to stay)

I don't know what he said or why he was moved to say the words
but I know it was searing and impactful and helped me look at my reality in a way I had not before done.

I think sometimes I wondered ( again lack of trust) if it was just coincidence that this guy who asked me out invited me to the show that every year I would invite my kids to- some came once in a blue moon ( the recent college grad would come. She has friends who were so touched and helped immensely as clients of the art therapist). But it almost seemed so orchestrated in a way that was weirdly so designed that he was inviting me to hear music of the kind I love... I mean so many things..
it made me almost not trust more. the uncanny coincidences. Then it was easy to think I was USED
Maybe cause he is hot ( Oh he really is) for the business partner of my friend who also started the business...

I was thinking he just noticed these connections on my FB or something
and I was being USED
to stay in touch with JUNE ( who he met first and was enamored with. YES absolutley smitten and they were only freinds and like many a man he had to get over her after spending time only as friends but having some hope of more. That is a common story I hear from men...)

Anyway It occurred to me maybe my pride was getting in the way of a good thing. This man is a good man. We have fun together. I DO TRUST him. He is excellent with confidence.

He doesn't share personal info and respects boundaries.
I am friends with his former roommate ( who I love - I mean I love this gal; who is also my friend- no kidding. She is amazing and in way we have discussed many things at a deep level of sharing that makes her a dear trusted friend).

So over the years the love of this FRIEND has grown and I care for him. What I don't like is that I see him date then discard...
he was much closer to June than I feel like he was to me.
And they were such close friends ( she thought) that she was deeply hurt that he could just discard their friendship. BUT I GET IT- as he was in LOVE with her. She seems to not really have every gotten that. BEacuse they were never lovers at all, never intimate she has touble understaning that it seems.

Not sure why-- cause it is a repeat pattern. When she is hurt at the loss of a guy friend I console HER and explain it to her.

EVEN If you are not physically inimate, if as emotionally intimate as a lover the pain of the break up is the same!
I MEAN Seriously for WOMEN biologically I think sex is just not that important. TRUE

I think for men for some reason they are more attached once they are sexually connected.
They don't feel that schism as much or it is not as painful ?

OR it is and the longing unrequited if maintaining the friendship is too painful?


So this may not be the Henry type relationship.
I mean there was chemistry with Henry

I don't speak of him often. But once in a while I can't help but think of him. Cause that was one of the BEST just lover relationships I experierenced. There was no deceit. No dishonestly. No lack of trust ever. No lack of respect of boundaries. It was always CLEAR what we wanted in our connection/relationship and WHY there was not consideration of anything more. But it was also not because we would not have WORKED with something more- or because neither of us would have/could have explored that. There was ACTUAL real love of each other. We were not just using each other.

It was so very clear.
It was know to be finate.

and it was so fabulous

So freeing to be so completely oneself and never have to mask
to be able to be vulnerable and accept help when offered.
Somehow Henry knew what to offer without me having even asked.

I realised that is so helpful beacuse I don't ask for help.

But Henry was observant. And he never did anything to help WITH A MOTIVE

that is the key. It was just out of deceny and concern

No reading into it

I guess I think of Henry as this relationship with the guy in DC reminds me now as the fact he he coming out my way and will be at my house on Friday is exceptionally motivating for me to get the shit done on my HOUSE CARE TO DO that I have found it hard to find the energy for. Henry and I used to always joke with each other as we talked on the phone.. I mean for MONTHS before we were ever together we would flirt and he would PRETEND he was coming over or VICE VERSA. We would joke we needed motivation to get shit done. We would try to vow do the crap we procrastinated for OURSELVES and coach each other to do so.. We would talk of how we were going to care for ourselves as much as anyone else and not be enablers etc.. and then when one of us just found it hard we would call the other and say "OK now I need an external motivator" and then we would flirt like mad. It was so damn effective. I mean it was so much Fun!! As for a while you don't KNOW yet if the person MIGHT show up or if they are just teasing. It was seriously such a fun phase of the friendship we had. HA HA... then one day he did show up. And that was just amazing.

The sheer not wanting to be embarassed by a mess is motivating to clean.

So yesterday I said " I HAVE To clean the house by Friday."

and My kid said "No you don't . You are putting that expectation on yourself."

And I said-

" You know what? YOU ARE RIGHT Let me re-phrase that. I have a friend coming to visit. I WANT To get ready and get the house in the best shape my energy will allow. I WANT to get it in order and clearned by Friday! "

And you know it is not because I am masking the reality of how I live.

I don't really care if he sees me in the natural state of disorganization and disarray this house gets in !! HA

I have forewarned him, he who I call Seinfeld who lived with his wife for years who had STUFF everywhere and who he felt like embraced the entropy of clutter and knowing HE HATED That....
I know he can be the crumundgony single guy now who is particular and has the perfectly clean house and judges when he goes anywhere else

I know Seingeld got turned off with one date - all was well til the time instead of bringing her to his pristine and comfortable place ( his comfort zone of familiarity) he called the night short and didn't see her again after she brought him back after she brought him to HER apt and it was cluttered and she had cats ( EWWW HA HA I Get it.. I hate the cat smell. Faucci doesn't realize the overwealming cat smell which assaults non cat owners upon entering his home! HA HA)
Its a thing

Either you are a cat person or not

Just like either you are a smoker or not

Or a drinker or not

Ok I think I wrote long enough perhaps my porch is dry and I can go touch it up.I just want to focus on getting the exterior done today as I also move laundry along.

Oh in other news The youngest had a good job interview and will be starting a job soon!! YEAH AND she was looking up the bus route to get there AND she negotiated a schedule of 10-6 so she can get herself to and from work via the bus!! YEAH!!!

AND I took her to DMV to get her learner's permit as well. Progress. We got that done FINALLY yesterday.

I am so relieved she at least does not believe there is a dependency on me driving her. I don't MIND driving kids when home but I NEED To work and if they can and WILL BE independent then it is a relief to me.

I also had a couple of good interviews yesterday. One of great interest. Its 20 hrs a week- at a rate almost DOUBLE The one I am making with my first client. Submitted by a head hunter. (Freaking always take calls from head hunters peeps! Keep your Linked in updated as they comb through them! If a head hunter calls with an Indian accent they are likely legit! HA HA Just don't set up direct deposit intially-- if you get hired remote you can insist they mail you the first check. Be careful as there ARE Fake job offers and identity theft that happens- but it is easy enough to check to confirm NOT A SCAM. Like call the company direct yourself-check the company Dun and Bradstreet for legitimacy etc...)

That 20 hr part time as a W2 would be able to be done WHILE maintaining my company.

Will see.

HONESTLY in the end being fired as an employee may be the catalyst I needed to rise to the next level.

I feel like in the end I will be apprechative of the changes that result!

I also interviewed with a headhunter for another company. This one full time, local- about 40 min commute if have to go to the office; however remote as international company and they work all over- and this one they have two roles. One is the Director and one working under Director. He is sending my resume for consideration of both. That one is again, almost double current rate and the Director job is mad money ( cause I said what I want and I won't take that level of commitment and responsibilty and time in a job unless compensated for it. So far that is three jobs I have been submitted for or directly applied to that pay near double my current rate of pay! I don't really WANT that unless it is the best option. Would prefer part time clients to be able to keep shuttling kids to allergy shots,specialists etc.)

HA HA as if on cue the phone rang with the reminder of tomorrow's allergist shot. Honestly I just don't WANT to get sucked into unhealthy workaholim. That is the biggest thing- keeping work life balance and tending to the healthcare needs of myself and the family.

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