2023-01-30 - 11:52 a.m.

Invoicing my clients

One is via upwork so easy- I ledger hours right there and they send invoice. The client has been reliable in paying and I am very pleased with them.

The attorney I took over for RAVED about working for them.

They were His first upwork client.

What a find! I hope they leverage me and use me more.

The second client logged in at 23.8 hours in JANUARY.

If I had a total of FOUR clients with AVG 20 hours a month that would be absolutely PERFECT

IF I could pay all my bills, including health care needs of my kids.

BUT in short term

still applying for FULL TIME JOBS as that is a sure thing.

The thing is if I kick up BD I likely could quickly find a couple more clients.

I just need to do MATH.

HOnestly people who don't get ahead in life perhaps just have to stop avoiding math.

Think about it.

Applied math is intimidating to many

So we don't run budgets

then don't have knowledge of what our actual money and ability to spend is.

We don't do the data pull of MATH and compare and determine when/if getting a good deal in market or being sold by a saleperson full of crap.

* JUST read a GREAT article on why one off sales items of durable goods you only buy once in a blue moon and only look for when READY To buy result in

LIARS of salesmen.

They are going to make sales anyway; and lying is often EFFECTIVE as their goal is to get you to make a QUICK , IMPULSIVE decision based on FEELINGS

as if you do the market research and are not influenced by feelings but FACTS and DATA they make less money. Plain and simple.

They work on commission so benefit from the sale. And your purchase based on an item you WANT and are HAPPY ABOUT BUYING ( even if they lie) makes it easy for them not not parse out if they lied/when they lied.... etc...

so they benefit from it.

GREAT ARTICLE ON this from a guy in sales of AI Contract legal management software to law firms. Lawyer Geek pretty sharp dude.

Who wrote about why COMPLEX sales are built more on reputation and integrity.
(SO he says! HA HA Cause he wants people to read his marketing of his blogs! HA HA articles and of course buy what he is selling which is currently his BRAND. HIS ADVICE. One of those Machiavellian brilliant minds who can do many things well.... he probably has an intern ghost writer working for free but will soon be selling the blog.... )

Well... I am productive today. Except for the part where was in one of those Taleo job apps that has a system error and crashed on me. Gave some # to call but I gave up on it for now. It IS A good fit! I have the # of hiring manager and can call her direct. She is connected to my old boss who I HOPE actually secretly LIKES me and admired my hutzpa and I hope is not hurt or resentful that I called her out for abelism at being the perfectionist and calling people LATE if they showed up ONE MINTUTE LATE.

I mean really
FUCK ME

Some of us are PROUD of being only 5 min or less late. I had already gone through the attempts of some to criminalize that and make me feel LESS Than for my human imperfection

Fuck them
I am not less than
less capable
less talented
less of an asset

And it was fucked up as I swear she honed in on that only when there was NOTHING ELSE

and it was so crazy her looking for something made me nervous and I was not fucking Late UNTIL SHE STARTED LOOKING FOR Shit

She was toxic ( not my opinion only and in fact I came to that opinion very late. ) BUT I LIKED HER despite her entering this toxic control freak micro manage phase of saving her own ass so being hyper competitive

Writing was on the wall
Her job saved
for a while by gutting mine. VERY OBVIOUS

The one who survived the shakeout was predetermined all along. The acquired contract director from the Company that SAVED THE ASS in the game of Equity company monopoly. And fucking well deserved. I don't blame that gal for being a hard core game player too.

She fucking won.

I just dread the thought of landing a job in a place with equity partners really playing the company monopoly game.

When an employee if feels like you are a player in a smaller subset game of RISK. The battle is real.

Fuck that.

YEAH yet... I am still applying as in the short term I can enter the freaking theater

and play a part for a WHILE for a 401K and health insurance til know what kind of space it really is.

I truly LOVED the fact the last space I WAS IN was NOT equity owned by anyone else! THAT IS THE SWEET SPOT. An ACTUAL small that is REALLY A small. Not a shell fake corp cause the large can't get set aside work otherwise.

Those are my target jobs.

So the one sent to me may not be the target of who I want to work for. Sure a good fit. But I have to do more research.

Don't want to be anyone's pawn.

Want to feel more like on a team as a valued player and not the one that will be intentionally sacrificed in some move early on.

SIGH

OK back to my invoicing. This is math.

See don't AVOID MATH
MESSAGE TO SELF:
When sit down and do the hard work of math Whenever it presents in functional way in life and work

There is ALWAYS A good return!

Seriously.

Even if find a mess, at least then can stop making more of a mess and digging in deeper in a hole. Can start to dig out and plan escape from financial spiral if already started a decline cause was not paying attention and NOT DOING MATH.

Budget
Taxed
Bill paying
INVOICING! *fun !

Always feel so much better when all those are checked off DONE on my TO DO.

They are priority the next couple days as I have something I am SOOOOOooooo Excited about!

* Feels like burying the lead here honestly.

Cause this is the BIG news for me today.

(Other than - YEAH the ironing WORKED for sure! : ) YEAH!!)

I am jazzed socially met a freaking expert, I mean PRO
stylist!

Bonafide creative worked as actor and in design

who just happened to be a graduate of my son's alma mater conservatory,,,, HA HA

He loved I told him I am #1 Fan Mom and my hobbies include updating the Wikipedia page of the work done by my sons' company graduating class! HA HA ( Hey anyone can add to Wikipedia! I include media sources . Hmmm haven't checked in a while- need to see if my adds made it in and were approved! HA HA MARKETING!!)

SO.. I have a stylist for my upcoming show!!! HA HA
Hilarious
I mean to find this dude here in the boonies. I mean really. Went to my friends BD party in the boonies west of here and he was a guest.

I was like "Who is THAT?? " as he just popped in the crown as well... a freaking trained actor, with costume on point! Fleek
yas
a stylish gay man

OMG!
hilarious and fun

So I look forward to thrift store shopping for the accessories with him later this week, Hopefully our mutual girlfriend can come. I hope to rifle through HER fab closet to see if can borrow anything! She is fantastic. Wonderful creative musician, artist, uber talented and too big of a personality for this small town. ( Again conservatory trained pro. Her hubby was in the freaking Cleveland symphony as a string player.. and like how the heck did she a San Fran conservatory trained artist and he a stellar string player end up here in the boonies is another story and not mine. I was so thrilled to here she made it out to CA last year for a group to workshop original works and the group then chose one to showcase and picked hers and asked her to conduct. SO HAPPY FOR HER)

It was so freaking weird. I brought a date with me to that party. A dude who claims he is bisexual but I am seriously questioning the integrity of that. I mean how could a bisexual man NOT find this fabulous gay man of interest? It was like my date had zero interest in talking with him. I did not get it. Maybe the guy is really bi but femine? IDK he has such MASCALINE energy to me. I am not getting gaydar AT AL. I feel like it is so freaking weird. I am being judgy
but this guy has such
hetero white upper class WHITE BREAD I don't know
guyness
privilege

Maybe he is bi but likes masculine men? Whatever, to each his own.

I think however I was a theater geek, and then a debate geek, and a choir geek

but my besties were always artists. The dancer , the tech gal in HS, the performers, the model in college. I mean my besties were always in the arts and if not gay themselves very non binary in presentation OR if not gay very over the top flamboyant I mean like flashy and hung with gay men. Its just a funny thing- my friends were always COLORFUL
and fun.

Exceptions being the men I DATED or FELL for- they were just plain old ITALIAN and hypermasculine
HA HA
*Blame it on the first best friend from school at age 6 and her Italian family, and my fabulous Italian uncle my aunt married some years after my father's bro passed away. They were my FAV cousins. Oh yeah the brother who dies was - an Artist! Taught art, had so many georgous paintings. I am so pleased I have one of them hanging in my living room. OMG my Aunt and I likely have similar taste in men ; ) Maybe I was influenced by her tremendously! I admired her! (She was the best dressed and make up and hair always done. She was of course ITALIAN! HA HA So funny as just realized that. My Dad's Irish bro married her and she was such a classy , sophisticated lady actually. Although down to earth! She worked for the school system although I forget the role. Admin I think in the office.)

I don't know why but it is such a turn off to me frankly when fabulous artistic folks are not of interest to my friends. It makes me thing the friends are just not as much fun. HA HA I mean when I meet someone so wonderful and my friend I was with acted bored and did not engage in conversation. YET I Felt SO VALIDATED when talking to the artistic guy. I felt so SEEN and understood.

*OK I had a particular MOM wounding.. the letting go of the mom dream for a kid. I NEVER KNEW I DID THAT

NEVER CONCIOUSLY DID

But I tell you when I went to see Hadestown on the NY Stage with my wonderful child that gave me the gift of that show.

My child that gifted that did not understand of know .. I mean she was a YOUNG kid and had no visibility into this
cause the arrangement in the two divorces sadly was alternating kids holidays BUT OPPOSITE holidays. I never had a holiday without kids- but it was the two oldest OR the YOUNGER four for the most part with very few exceptions ( only after they were older and not bound by a divorce agreement) when it was ever possible for ALL of them to be with me together on a holiday.

*Which is why the few times that happened it was so special.

So my younger child from the later 4, could not have known how I gave the Hadestown album one year to my oldest as a Christmas gift, and how for so many reasons it is like the soundtrack of the lives of my oldest two and I in a way.

I mean if I had to pick one music piece to represent US
It would be that.

FOR SO MANY REASONS

The youngest could not have know that when we had a family foundation ( her Dad and I )
It was the one thing handed over to me in the divorce.

I became a master gardener ( directly aligned with its goals of community education.)
I COULD have broadened the focus to be community education of domestic violence. There would have been some healing for sure in that. BUT Also ALOT OF PASSIVE AGRESSIVE ENERGY if I did that at the time
Which I deemed NOT HEALTHY

I was still ANGRY

I was not healed yet

I had a table to set up at -

Of all things

An ANAIS MITCHELL CONCERT in Shepherdstown, WVA

That was how I heard of Anis Mitchell. I spoke with Babe Records and they loved the idea of outreach to raise awareness of domestic violence and were hugely supportive of me showing up and they found THAT SHOW close enough to where I live.

I cancelled the opportunity. Thanked them for the support and decided to go to the Master Gardener training and just donate the rest of the money and SHUT DOWN the shared 501 c (3) community education foundation we had started.

It was started back when he had been valued literally at millions of dollars (in AOL stock before the bubble burst; before separation and a lawyer thinking it was in my interest to have an order to not sell any stock! HA HA They thought they were protecting shared assets- protecting me-- and it burst and got lost instead. So much for having hired a good lawyer and letting go and letting them manage stuff in my interest . I was REALLY DISASSOCATIVE And TRAUMATIZED at the time.

I was freaking having PTSD episodes of what I know now were sever trauma induced mental health crisis

YET kept it fucking together enough to care for my kids. ( With a little help from friends!)

OK I wrote I do not HAVE To write today! I thought I did not. I do not. I am happy, chill, had a fabulous time last night connection with young lover

Oh yeah... I end up going there again in my writing. ( But hell it is part of life and I write about all of my life with honesty!)

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/12/do-long-term-no-strings-sex-arrangements-ever-work

Resounding YES they work!

The one I have with young lover is meeting my needs just now. I am very pleased with it.

For so many reasons. It is HUGELY Therapeutic.

In so many ways.

The integrity of it is what I love most of all. The DC guy I think of as a bullshit artist. he does shit like the BULLSHit Player language of speaking of interest in a relationship and the bullshit shutting down actual communication when I make a point of trying to engage in conversation by criticizing I did not communicate (HA When doing so? Its nonsensical to me. I mean if you are not one to text me and want to talk a few times a week why the hell is me raising a concern a week after the moment I was miffed NOT communicating? WTF? It felt like gaslighting to me. He loves to try to avoid gaslighting but I feel like he has some behavior patterns where does it. I can forgive that if he WANTS to genuinely connect but I still get vibes he is not that into me. Further more I get weird vibes he TALKS the talk of wanting to be so exploratory or non committed but I get a weird sense it is talk and he is not really there yet but is really Moreso a typical hetero man who wants at heart one woman who is committed and devoted to only him while HE can be free to fuck around. That is not polyamory my friend. That is not WOKE being open minded . That is good old fashioned white male privilege at its best- with trying to lean the language to manipulate. I swear that is the FEELING I get from him.

Maye it is his whiteness
his upper classness growing up

Maybe it is a ME issue

and something I have to deal with SEPARATE From him.

I hate to be such a bitch as it feels like I am being one when write and articulate what are possibly just FEARS.
But I am shutting down in response to his not being into me and I feel like there is some fucking agenda why the fuck does he want me in his life?

What is he GETTING OUT OF it?

Not even good sex ( mean it is not bad. But ... well maybe it does make it harder to enjoy sex with multiple partners. I mean each is SO very different. Maybe having another lover is informing me when WITH HIM)
I mean I think his and my mood ...
well have not jived lately

or hasn't been the vibe the times together

I am not sure why

YET I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME WHEN I DiD bring him a few places with me!! I MEAN SUCH FABULOUS TIMES For me
of friendship however more than anything.

It was the first time I actually brought a date to the film festival I usually go to solo for instance. It was so special to share that experience with him.

But I am in it for the friendship and the companionship. And truth be told the mutual friends we share. I just adore his bestie. They are so fucking close and I feel like I am closer to him simply because of the whole When Harry Met Sally thing- of attraction between guys and girls. I mean virtue of him being a man who is always hoping to sleep with a woman and I said YES at some point... I mean that informed he and I being closer. The benefit of intimacy shared. And yeah some nice sexy shared times. Trying to crack the code of why and when he was attractive to me and it is really fucking obvious to me it was when he acted INTO ME.

Closeness is informed by location, and access to transportation etc. I just can't connect with his bestie often cause I haven't that much time and energy to get into DC. She does not have a car ( no need and its too expensive. She is a creative. She is amazing, deeply spiritual and trying to carve out a path of being guided by her spirit. She is also wicked smart and accomplished so is like the rest of us balancing her artistic talents and spiritual gifts with the need to work in the WORLD and live in the world as a kind of mystic who has to be grounded in reality. Meaning she expends energy in a JOB like the rest of us and has to find time to nurture her art, her self, and hard to find time to nurture friends not right in your world when have to work to support self etc.)

Maybe I am just in need of therapy and it is fact of him acting like he "might" want to have a deeper relationship that makes me suddenly not trust him and then get irritated. I mean it feels like a player. The hints or raising the topic ON HiS PART which he has done but then not talking about it or following through to ACT like wants more of a relationship.
But maybe it is me. I don't fucking call or text people but rarely.
I am quite a loner truth be told.
I am likely self absorbed in my own need for healing.
This is a slow process.

He will talk openly about anything BUT US, then he sorta hints or says something then HE Shuts down and makes it clear he is not interested. And I pull back as I find it super hard to be attracted to a guy who is not into me.

can't be an us
for him

he has to be sure to do that thing MY BeST LOVER Taught me to not do-
Request was "Don't talk about your other lovers
and make eye contact,
I want to see YOU"

and sometimes I feel like DC guy does the exact opposite.
He talks of his other conquest at the WRONG Times; but is open and then closes up like a CLAM and I sense that is when there is someone else in his life and the time i would EXPECT him to be most open.
So it comes across as deceptive
as sneaky
as a player

HA
YEAH The best lovers follow those rules laid out above in the RIGHT MOMENT but ALSO communicate honestly.

I just feel like there is an awful lot of omission lately on his part. And that is the disappointment He doesn't want the OPEN part of a relationship REALLY,

He just wants to be able to fuck around.

That is not an open relationship
that is usury

And I feel like it is vastly different from my absolute honesty and transparency.

I just trust honesty and don't feel like I get that from him.

I pull back when there is not honesty.

But I think he pulled back because there WAS honesty on my part so I mention the Buffalo guy and the young lover.

And I think he says he wants open but not really. Like I said what is good for the goose in his case is not really good for the gander

It is something he wants FOR HIM

BUT He finds a turn off in an actual potential partner-

He is Not really looking for a polyamorous PARTNER but I think he wants multiple monogamous with him partners

Different thing

and it feels selfish to me

and like he doesn't really want to be HONEST and have them KNOW of each other.

Whatever

so many reasons I could see him conflicted too

My family
my priorities
etc...

but I just feel like he is truly just not that attracted to ME. I feel like he never really was. I was just convenient and truth be told he was just convenient.

It is what it is.
And he was not in love with me so I could have a dating relationship without hurting him. That is the narcissistic (OK not really as if truly narcissistic would not CARE who I hurt) Was going to say that is the narcissistic part of me I want a guy to be IN LOVE with me
YET I cant' be involved with a guy who is in love with me if I am NOT also in love with him!
That is the truth
I won't "play" with the heart of a guy. I won't take it in my hands and crush it. So if a guy is in love with me but I NOT him I don't even GO THERE. I can only go there if there is POTENTIAL
if I am FEELING IT
if I DO have love for him at SOME level

I mean if it is clearly an "arrangement" that works when he is NOT in love with me that is just fine! That is a SAFE LOVER as I am not offering more.

For some reason DC guy went from being a comfortable SAFE lover- nice dating companion and really enjoying the relationship to one that has this feeling of
TENSION

and I don't know what it is.
Feels like dishonesty though at some level.

Almost like the opposite of sexual tension
turn off?
tension of fear of expectation? feeling obligated in some way? I don't know why it feels like he is not into me but somehow I don't know , is wanting to use me to have around , to help with some things but nor really enjoying my company?
Wants me in small doses only with the buffer of his bestie there? That is what it feels like.

It just feels OFF.

So should not be hard on HIM As he is a good guy and so much of this is likely just trauma informed on my part.

OR his poor communication on his part.

I mean l DO enjoy his company when he is not acting weird.
He just does some odd things.

Why wanted to actually do some therapy just to focus on me and figure out if I still have serious fear of commitment issues OR if I just actually have fucking common sense and my priorities of my kids and family straight

and just never met the RIGHT MAN to even consider allowing into this inner sanctum of very wounded family in healing cocoon.

Ok enough rambling.I was not even feeling any great need to think this through. It just happens when I start writing!

and I guess wanted to just capture the JOY Of the beauty of the week.

Cause it is starting off to be a great one and I have lots to keep me busy and look forward to with work to do, and creative projects and social outing (shopping with PRO Stylist !! GIRL SCREAM HERE)
Girlfriend time...
already had the best physical /sexual connection and relaxation/release ( and conversation. Just so fabulous, so comfortable.)
Enjoyed playing guitar this weekend a bit.
Cooked a couple nice meals ( have leftovers).

I mean I think I will have everything that makes me joyful in life this week.
I even plan on fitting in a swim today.

Almost

No live jazz. But I can live without that HA HA despite how much love that.

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