2023-04-24 - 9:08 a.m.
This AM I had an idea for a poem in head which did not get written down.
This happens often, and even though I don't go write the words that emerge it still brings me joy.
Maybe I will do so one day- but that takes work (after the fact)
If had a pen in moment it could be a 5 minute crafting , capturing the phrases in head
I just thought of how I would edit this one.
It is a dog walking experience to be captured.
One change will be the finding of the McDonald's fries-
Heck some of the writers here should send something into them.
I am so serious.
Nothing would make all us DL community more proud than to see our fav cabbie writer to send something into Taco Bell Quarterly!
I think it hilarious.
I awoke to find LONG Texts of my Buffalo guy expaning on the theme of how funny the FL visit to fam would be.
I was correct. Humor is funny because of the DELIVERY
It is timing, and delivery.
In the AM reading his texts they were not funny like when he was delivering them.
It was a Sunday night, I called back late as I had opportunity to talk to the two girlfriends not connected in a while... (had cut him short)
It is times like that when we laugh and the talk is easy and so fun on the phone I wonder
if I were there, would it not be like this
Is he pouring the scotch as the time goes by that we talk and for some reason he has no issues of feeling badly about that when there is not my body language ( I must have my mother's inherited genetic strong passive aggressive communication! I MUST)
Although I don't think he was drinking ( necessarily) last night? Maybe not? He tries to reserve it for weekends so he says
He spoke of going to Home Depot to find out about renting a serious floor cleaner for his kitchen and how he finally called a plumber to come out and help with the plumbing projects he has. ( He has two. The kitchen sink clogs as well as the toilet leaks).
My act of visiting made him SEE the things he let go, and I decided, What the hell I may as well help him out and remind him since he welcomes that. ( I never want to be acting like someone's mother but figure this is what friends do. I do this for my girlfriends- and we do it for each other so why not for him? Why do I ASSUME that is a recipe for failure just cause I have seen those resentful husbands who hate their wives honey do lists? They are the ones who did not grow up! I see OTHER examples of marriages where it works! Where the guy says "Yes dear" without complaint and happily does the things She SEES that HE WOULD NEVER NOTICE or FIX! The real estate agent I hired from church and her hubby are a great example! So I am trying to be open to helping by nudging a bit and not assuming it is a bad idea. Our mutual friends say he needs a kick in the ass... I don't really want to be an ass kicker. I don't like that role as it feels like WORK To be giving the task list and then following up on it to do quality control check. But hell maybe that is a kind of work one has to do in a relationship too? for it to be successful?)
That happens for ALL OF US
If no one else around we ignore and get so used to our own bad habits and mess that at times it gets bad without the motivation of others
I awoke recalling an awful dream.
It was just so awful.
I was excited to be in the city my kid lives in, and walking around with the old folks I work with at a retirement community somehow. We on the city street somewhere...
So in my dream it was my oldest playing her music
I was saying to my friend I just wondered what happened to him and how he was doing. I could ask if anyone visited him and I could go visit I am sure as well... but I added he was an interesting guy as from a deep south state and RACIST in his views and he was Republican to the core... yet interesting as he was so kind and treated everyone respectfully and nicely so unless you asked and talked to him about that directly and were WHITE one would never have known.)
BUT in my dream.
then ranted all the racist crap
And I guess I was confronted with the fact of the evil he would spew which YES I found appalling and had to be respectful in hearing and then talking to him about - I mean I would dialogue with him at times
I mean he was friendly and LIKED chatting with a particular black resident, a sweet, sweet lady
how he could say these ugly things he was taught for sure
and then act different than the core beliefs
So I would challenge those beliefs as I had enough repoire and respect and he was OK with that dialogue
But he would always turn it to focusing on MEN
and he was big on his mantra of how a man should never hit a woman
HE had married a woman who left a guy that beat her up
And he had helped others
It was a thing that got under his skin
and he was a non drinker and would go on how should never trust a drinker
He was an interesting character
and his pro Trump rants were all about God and Country
and it was "you can never trust the blacks" he was so deeply distrustful
So it was a bizarre and wild dream to have my kid at the other end of his rants.
I would most often re-direct and NOT talk about this when he started except the few occassions when it made sense to point out how he did trust his friends THERE (Who were black or brown skinned!) That was years ago as he was there for a few years before he started to medically decline.
OK off to work now.
but figured out if a black aid came to her she would scream
This lady had a legit FEAR of black people LEGIT in the sense HER FEAR was REAL in her body
Of course unfounded that she should be afraid
BUT that is a very different issue
But in the end honestly I think the solution ended up being finding an aide the lady would respond to without fear.
Because we are not going to change the 90 yr old lady and the job is to care for her.
(And they COULD do that- could reassign. My grandmother had to learn to get over her racism which I swear she did- unless she didn't and the few folks she liked at end of her life were the "Exceptions" To her racist "Rule"? Like that guy in the dream? IT is so hard to fathom how folks can hold those inconsistencies in view
YET I guess we can believe two inconsistent things as truth at times.
Because we are so imperfect to begin with, we humans.
It is at least helpful when a place does not IGNORE the issue of racism and pretend that is not happening.
But none of this was what I intended to write about ( as usual).
I started my day with the walk, then cleaning my room as well as picking up downstarirs and ran the robo vacumes.
and there I read
"I awoke next to the body of XXXXX. He is such an amazing, loving man.
So that was back in- I am going to guess 2009/10 or 11 IDK I THINK I broke up with that boyfriend in 2013? It was after four years when I realized it was a bit fucked up that I had not MET HIS KIDS AT ALL and we had been dating for four freaking years.
I got so disenchanted and was done
Come on fuckers
I TELL My lovers when have another lover UNLESS THERE IS A CLEAR AGREEMENT AND REQUEST NOT TO
* I have had only two men SAY "Don't do that." Verizon was one- he would say "Did you just talk to me about another man?
He told me "That just RUINS THE MAGIC- come on now? Why do that?"
* YEAH he was a player... HA HA
BUT in any case it was such a stark example of how one SHOULD address an issue in a relationship, reading how my ex who I did date for four years until was done
I mean I was done with the relationship and then he wanted to step up to plate.
IT was too frustrating to me.
I met him for coffee to talk shop about work opportunities, this man I did love who I did let go of.
If I see one, I would pitch it.
BUT He is happy working on the contracts he is landing with his boss who had project work and keeps him employed.
BUT the main point I wanted to write about was that FAULT OF MINE
and I do work hard to not interrupt my partner when I talk and want to process and I do ramble.
I do better of course WHEN WRITING
I can't expect my partner to be my source of listening to me rant and work through whatever it is.
I mean I have to have another healthy outlet for processing.
BUT what struck me most was reading how I wrote of what good healthy communication that EX had WITH ME in OUR RELATIONSHIP
and he did. He had outstanding communication and interpersonal skills at dealing with conflict in our relationship, which did not happen much.
Maybe moreso than me.
Maybe that is why after 4 years I just broke up with him and was done
Maybe cause I did not work thorugh the issue that were there.
I get it being done
I get it that the DC guy did not want a relationship with me. That is not the issue. With him I didn't take issue at him addressing the one issue he did- but it was that he did so at a completely inappropriate time. That should have been raised NOT When I was raising an issue I WAS UPSET by but at another time with intention.
That is so childish
That struck me
But I really didn't want to write about that
Moreso that it was GOOD FOR ME to read the SAME FEEDBACK from that EX that I heard from the DB Guy
how toxic interrupting is.
And nonstop talking
How disruptive to relationship building it is.
REGARDLESS I need to work on this still- obviously
If I CAN
Or just find someone who it is not an irritant for AT LEAST! (if possible)
I am just not sure
If one does not SPEAK of their NEEDS then their partner can't ever meet them.
SELF AWARENESS is so imporant.
I think I need a certain amount of SPACE
and I realize it may be more than many folks want. I NEED this space to write.
If I can be loquacious HERE
its part of trauma healing I think.
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