2023-04-24 - 9:08 a.m.

This AM I had an idea for a poem in head which did not get written down.

This happens often, and even though I don't go write the words that emerge it still brings me joy.

Maybe I will do so one day- but that takes work (after the fact)

If had a pen in moment it could be a 5 minute crafting , capturing the phrases in head

BUT LATER...
oh no... I need time to think and conscientiously recall and tweak with chosen words AFTER the fact.

I just thought of how I would edit this one.

It is a dog walking experience to be captured.

One change will be the finding of the McDonald's fries-
think can change that to finding discarded Taco Bell... small poetic license, suspension of disbelief needed (HA)
because, if you have not heard already
there is the Taco Bell Quarterly.

Heck some of the writers here should send something into them.

I am so serious.

Nothing would make all us DL community more proud than to see our fav cabbie writer to send something into Taco Bell Quarterly!
Just for kicks.
Cause honestly if the cabbie journaler is to ever be published I can think of no worthier publication. Title along makes it worthy.

I think it hilarious.

I awoke to find LONG Texts of my Buffalo guy expaning on the theme of how funny the FL visit to fam would be.

I was correct. Humor is funny because of the DELIVERY

It is timing, and delivery.

In the AM reading his texts they were not funny like when he was delivering them.

It was a Sunday night, I called back late as I had opportunity to talk to the two girlfriends not connected in a while... (had cut him short)
SO
It was hours later when returned the call.

It is times like that when we laugh and the talk is easy and so fun on the phone I wonder

if I were there, would it not be like this

Is he pouring the scotch as the time goes by that we talk and for some reason he has no issues of feeling badly about that when there is not my body language ( I must have my mother's inherited genetic strong passive aggressive communication! I MUST)
that he reacts to
as I viscerally, bodily react to the act of his drinking.

Although I don't think he was drinking ( necessarily) last night? Maybe not? He tries to reserve it for weekends so he says
he was in productive cleaning mode all weekend and on a roll cleaning/organizing tossing crap out.

He spoke of going to Home Depot to find out about renting a serious floor cleaner for his kitchen and how he finally called a plumber to come out and help with the plumbing projects he has. ( He has two. The kitchen sink clogs as well as the toilet leaks).

My act of visiting made him SEE the things he let go, and I decided, What the hell I may as well help him out and remind him since he welcomes that. ( I never want to be acting like someone's mother but figure this is what friends do. I do this for my girlfriends- and we do it for each other so why not for him? Why do I ASSUME that is a recipe for failure just cause I have seen those resentful husbands who hate their wives honey do lists? They are the ones who did not grow up! I see OTHER examples of marriages where it works! Where the guy says "Yes dear" without complaint and happily does the things She SEES that HE WOULD NEVER NOTICE or FIX! The real estate agent I hired from church and her hubby are a great example! So I am trying to be open to helping by nudging a bit and not assuming it is a bad idea. Our mutual friends say he needs a kick in the ass... I don't really want to be an ass kicker. I don't like that role as it feels like WORK To be giving the task list and then following up on it to do quality control check. But hell maybe that is a kind of work one has to do in a relationship too? for it to be successful?)

That happens for ALL OF US

If no one else around we ignore and get so used to our own bad habits and mess that at times it gets bad without the motivation of others

I think....
So this is just a quick 10 minute update before I work this AM.

I awoke recalling an awful dream.

It was just so awful.

I was excited to be in the city my kid lives in, and walking around with the old folks I work with at a retirement community somehow. We on the city street somewhere...
across the street and down the block
I hear music
and look to see street musicians, a whole band of four ( now that I visualize I realize it was the config of an actual band I saw on Instagram yesterday of a young woman who was a violin student with my oldest way back when!! Now she is a musician as well- still musicians both. She has her folk originals, a departure from her classical training, but not surprising as her parents were these wonderful very 70s hippys... a touch older than me, she was their youngest, both teachers who homeschooled for a bit on their family farm. They were another host family for the International musicians, and that was the party house one wanted to be at! Seriously fun- some of my guests went to hang out there a bit... I think my oldest two may have been allowed to go there as well as the parents were really responsible but best of all they were folk music types so the classically trained kids got to jam with them and their friends. It was a highlight along with me taking them out to see the old guys play old big band jazz. where they rehearse at a little pub in the larger town near us.)

So in my dream it was my oldest playing her music
and I was so proud
SO VERY PROUD
And the folks I was with , some walked over while I was helping others kinda away
across the other side of street
where there were chairs and we sat along with some of the residents-
a particular man ( who no longer lives there but who I spent much time with and who I thought of just last night actually before bed when talking with my one girlfriend- I was telling her how this one man had family that actually sadly abandoned him. They ran out of money to pay the bill and all just disappeared. I mean disappeared. The guy's family who had placed him in this facility for care was going through divorce and lost the support of the now former spouse who had been paying the expensive monthly private pay bill. I mean it was a super wealthy family married into,,,,and whatever happened...it resulted in the family member who was taking care of this old guy being there , MOVING out of state , without income or money of their own, and they just LEFT The guy there! I mean I guess if you are not sure how to take care of self and your small kids and you know that your parent is at least being cared for..... I get her position. I suppose she somehow knew that this facility would not be heartless. I mean most pay... some places would kick someone out right away. He had literally no one to care for him and no where to go and he remained as long as possible. I was wondering how he was doing as at some point he had medical issues and became a fall risk. This is Assisted Living. We don't have enough staff to care for those needing more supervision, so in case like that he ended up sitting with ME at the front desk where I would strum my guitar as he like that. It kept him happy and content and he was my desk buddy for MONTHS until there was a way to get him into a nursing home with greater care for his needs. He was very strong willed and did not want to be in a wheechair but had fallen and was at risk of a fall if he got up - which he wanted to do but would stay when happy chillin with me or someone he liked.

I was saying to my friend I just wondered what happened to him and how he was doing. I could ask if anyone visited him and I could go visit I am sure as well... but I added he was an interesting guy as from a deep south state and RACIST in his views and he was Republican to the core... yet interesting as he was so kind and treated everyone respectfully and nicely so unless you asked and talked to him about that directly and were WHITE one would never have known.)

BUT in my dream.
the guy basically went over to meet my kid playing music

then ranted all the racist crap

It was an awful dream.

And I guess I was confronted with the fact of the evil he would spew which YES I found appalling and had to be respectful in hearing and then talking to him about - I mean I would dialogue with him at times
I would point out how he was appreciative of the care aides and the laundress who were black
*oh the conversations started with politics HA HA
YEAH I Would listen and if he said something just blatantly racist I would point out that generalization was not kind and I would point out his FRIEND

I mean he was friendly and LIKED chatting with a particular black resident, a sweet, sweet lady
and he was so kind and it was so freaking weird to me

how he could say these ugly things he was taught for sure

and then act different than the core beliefs

So I would challenge those beliefs as I had enough repoire and respect and he was OK with that dialogue

But he would always turn it to focusing on MEN

and he was big on his mantra of how a man should never hit a woman
and a real man would treat me with respect
and he would go on about men who beat up women

HE had married a woman who left a guy that beat her up

And he had helped others

It was a thing that got under his skin

and he was a non drinker and would go on how should never trust a drinker

He was an interesting character

and his pro Trump rants were all about God and Country

and it was "you can never trust the blacks" he was so deeply distrustful

So it was a bizarre and wild dream to have my kid at the other end of his rants.

I would most often re-direct and NOT talk about this when he started except the few occassions when it made sense to point out how he did trust his friends THERE (Who were black or brown skinned!) That was years ago as he was there for a few years before he started to medically decline.

OK off to work now.
I just think how awful it has to be for those service workers who deal with this. We know when it happens. At least I have a workplace where when this stuff happens we address it.
We don't avoid the conversations. We had another old lady- again the SWEETEST LADY

but figured out if a black aid came to her she would scream
and it was actual fear

This lady had a legit FEAR of black people LEGIT in the sense HER FEAR was REAL in her body

Of course unfounded that she should be afraid

BUT that is a very different issue
The issue at hand was we had to care for HER
AND her fear
The daughter was so great (this was a private aide)
She helped her mom understand this was her aide and the aide was a nice lady who was there to help her.
I talked to the lady as the lady likes me
and I introduced the aide
and that aide was the kindest

But in the end honestly I think the solution ended up being finding an aide the lady would respond to without fear.

Because we are not going to change the 90 yr old lady and the job is to care for her.

(And they COULD do that- could reassign. My grandmother had to learn to get over her racism which I swear she did- unless she didn't and the few folks she liked at end of her life were the "Exceptions" To her racist "Rule"? Like that guy in the dream? IT is so hard to fathom how folks can hold those inconsistencies in view

YET I guess we can believe two inconsistent things as truth at times.

Because we are so imperfect to begin with, we humans.

It is at least helpful when a place does not IGNORE the issue of racism and pretend that is not happening.
I was happy my workplace would deal and address it.

But none of this was what I intended to write about ( as usual).

I started my day with the walk, then cleaning my room as well as picking up downstarirs and ran the robo vacumes.
In straightening I had to put some photos back on a high shelf, and in the box of them there was also an old journal. I opened to a random page as had not idea what TIME FRAME Of life that was from.

and there I read

"I awoke next to the body of XXXXX. He is such an amazing, loving man.
We awoke then talked and he told me that he was upset with me. He said I did that narcissistic thing of non stop talking, and then when he wanted to speak, I interrupted him and he felt like he was vomited all over. HE said his ex wife used to do that to him so it really made him feel awful."

So that was back in- I am going to guess 2009/10 or 11 IDK I THINK I broke up with that boyfriend in 2013? It was after four years when I realized it was a bit fucked up that I had not MET HIS KIDS AT ALL and we had been dating for four freaking years.

I got so disenchanted and was done
I mean I was done... and it was just not that; but that was like the icing on the cake for me
There were other things-
his non committal
hurt when he slept with someone else
(I mean it was an open relationship so I should have been OK with that and truth be told WOULD HAVE BEEN but for the fact I discovered it and he never disclosed or talked about it and that lack of openness was the breach! I mean in an open actual relationship that is STILL CHEATING
when you are not HONEST AND OPEN about other lovers

Come on fuckers
don't cheat

I TELL My lovers when have another lover UNLESS THERE IS A CLEAR AGREEMENT AND REQUEST NOT TO

* I have had only two men SAY "Don't do that." Verizon was one- he would say "Did you just talk to me about another man?
Don't do that"

He told me "That just RUINS THE MAGIC- come on now? Why do that?"

* YEAH he was a player... HA HA
He did not want to hear about other men nor did he want to ACKNOWLEDGE the other women in his life. SO he is a bad example as he too lied to me. He was the one who said he was SINGLE when he in fact had a freaking life partner for the past 12 years with two kids and when confronted said "You know common law marriage is not legal in Virginia"
Asshole
(Asshole who had a Birthday and therefore his pic popped up on my FB and I was like "Damn this man is still sexy" And apparently according to his profile content STILL a freaking player and ladies man. He can work it.
SIGH.....too bad....)

BUT in any case it was such a stark example of how one SHOULD address an issue in a relationship, reading how my ex who I did date for four years until was done

I mean I was done with the relationship and then he wanted to step up to plate.
I was hurt by too many things over the years I think
and knowing in the long term I would not have been happy with a man who deals with depression to the point of not making the changes in his life he wants.

IT was too frustrating to me.

I met him for coffee to talk shop about work opportunities, this man I did love who I did let go of.
I mean we could have gone into business together YEARS BEFORE but he did not feel confident. SO I was doing it myself but couldn't help but think if he wanted to we were a good team working togther. I figured maybe we could be friend and work together at this point.
He is working same job he has had before. I know it is not paying as much as he is worth in the market. I saw his paychecks. Unless he has some top secret job he has been hiding.. HA HA (A few around here do)... I know that my billable rate I set for self cause I value self, for my contract management work is twice what he was a making per hour working for someone else. SO I KNOW if I see and RFP for a role HE Would be good at I could find a role for him and increase HIS INCOME

If I see one, I would pitch it.

BUT He is happy working on the contracts he is landing with his boss who had project work and keeps him employed.

BUT the main point I wanted to write about was that FAULT OF MINE
that need to VENT and RANT
is one I suppose I have ALWAYS HAD

and I do work hard to not interrupt my partner when I talk and want to process and I do ramble.

I do better of course WHEN WRITING

I can't expect my partner to be my source of listening to me rant and work through whatever it is.

I mean I have to have another healthy outlet for processing.

BUT what struck me most was reading how I wrote of what good healthy communication that EX had WITH ME in OUR RELATIONSHIP

and he did. He had outstanding communication and interpersonal skills at dealing with conflict in our relationship, which did not happen much.

Maybe moreso than me.

Maybe that is why after 4 years I just broke up with him and was done

Maybe cause I did not work thorugh the issue that were there.
BUT I felt like they were not mine to work through

I get it being done

I get it that the DC guy did not want a relationship with me. That is not the issue. With him I didn't take issue at him addressing the one issue he did- but it was that he did so at a completely inappropriate time. That should have been raised NOT When I was raising an issue I WAS UPSET by but at another time with intention.

That is so childish
to not be able to hear a concern of another without attacking the person.
Inability to hear criticism of self.

That struck me
so many good reasons the DC guy and I are not a good match in a realtionship ( I mean not to mention just don't seem to actually have chemistry- but I was figuring chemistry not everytihng and not the most important thing. The REST was good! The friendhhip and shared values and priorites etc..)

But I really didn't want to write about that

Moreso that it was GOOD FOR ME to read the SAME FEEDBACK from that EX that I heard from the DB Guy

how toxic interrupting is.

And nonstop talking

How disruptive to relationship building it is.
My toxic trait for sure!
Sigh---- aware of it; will try to work on it in the next relationship where that is an issue ( it is not always an issue I think and not sure why. Maybe others don't feel badly cause they do it to so it doesn't bother either of us? I am not sure. But most of my girlfriends' don't complain of this- yet one does. Maybe it is the opposite? The one who complains DOES IT TOO and this guy who got upset by it I think might also at times do it too? NEED TO BE HEARD Maybe that is it some feel needier? The higher the feeling needing to be heard after a bad relationship of NOT being heard the more one will take it lightly the ADHD lack of impulse control?)

REGARDLESS I need to work on this still- obviously

If I CAN

Or just find someone who it is not an irritant for AT LEAST! (if possible)
Maybe be sure I find someone who allows me SPACE TO JOURNAL without feeling insecure and feeling abandoned. (I still wonder if when I went to the store to buy stuff to make a nice breakfast if DC guy felt abandoned- whether identified or not. If I stayed in and made love to him first thing that AM would the relationship have moved forward differently"? Was it wounding and his needs not met?)

I am just not sure
BUT KNOW THIS

If one does not SPEAK of their NEEDS then their partner can't ever meet them.

SELF AWARENESS is so imporant.

I think I need a certain amount of SPACE

and I realize it may be more than many folks want. I NEED this space to write.
That is how I process.

If I can be loquacious HERE
I am sure I am a MUCH BETTER PARTNER then the rest of the day. The writing is what I do if I don't have a partner to talk to who cares to hear my thoughts.

So yeah
I feel like that is why I have the part time lover...! I need alot of ALONE TIME

its part of trauma healing I think.

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