Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2023-06-03 - 4:17 p.m.

I got home from work; took my dog for a walk, on which she had the messiest poop that stuck to her butt.
I used newspaper to pull off what I could but had to give her an emergency butt bath.

So then changed into more comfortable clothing ( shorts/TShirt for the day is hot , high of 82 leaving th house warm at 78 degrees. My bedrrom hotter as heat rises.)

AND I can't find my cell phone ANYWHERE.

Ironic as the last message I drafted was to my new gentlman friend ( on behalf of my bestie he helped her out and sent the message" Please check to be sure you don't have her phone"

I checked. NO, I don' t have her phone

is the last message I wrote on mine. They had dropped me off at work this AM while went on to join the Walking for Water fundraiser this morning . ( Pretty cool org! A local high school started a group and raised money to build wells in places that need them.)

I then did also send a picture of a Tardis blanket which was hung with lights behind it and blue light in front of it, which made the walls AROUND it look pretty splendid.

I mean it was the coolest geek house I have ever been in and I felt compelled to send a few pics to my one kid-the one who wants to be an engineer who lives with me! ( LOL)

Of course the guy who lives there, my new gentleman friend is a geeky techie.

I right now have absolutely NO IDEA where my phone it. I used it to call for a Lyft which came.
BUT I am afraid perhaps I left it in the bathroom at work? OR The mercedes benz driven by Brian of Lyft?
or something?

My hunt for phone at home did not result in the phone found yet.

This guy had said he doesn't know how ANYONE maintains relationships.

I would modify that to say, I don't know how anyone with ADHD maintains relationships!

I have to take a nap and look for it when I wake further. The guy is the sweetest and patient- cause he is in the club. Its such a comfort to meet someone who resonates and gets it at such a level frankly. I am not going to write more about him yet. Will see where it goes ! Perhaps this time will try to write more of the good and not vent only when have to process something upsetting or challenging. I think I don't write about the postives as much as the negatives ( or maybe I do, but wonder. I mean what we focus on should be the postitives surely? Lets' take a tip from Tina Turner, right?)
This may sound silly; but her story of finding love later in her life who treated her like the queen as she deserved to be really gives me hope it is possible to actually fall in love like that and have a relationship that is fully present with someone that is willing to emotionally connect with authenticity and actual attachment long term. Maybe it is not about a man being able to do that as much as it is about me being able to be open to trust at that level. I just need that feeling of safety ( which Art could not give me with his Italian temper that was too much- too triggering, and not even triggering of past but hell actual control abusive tactics.) And Buffalo guy.. I mean damn I love him but he is in NY and I am here and he never was willing to enter my world. It is all on his terms. That is really something that is the bigger block than the drinking in a way I suppose. I mean of late I keep considering the men I fall for, and the pattern of alcoholism in them, and look then at my Uncle and my Dad who kicked the inclination and know a good man can be a good man and stil drink if he doesn't let it get the best of him. My Uncle in hindsight, drank but I don't think let it get the best of him. It was ancillary to his core and did not define or impact his core of who he is in the way I see addiciton to alcohol do to some others. The trouble with this is I think of this in relation to Michael and the constriants of why we could/would never have a commitment other than see each other a couple times a year IF There is no one else that can offer more; or if we never want more.... and chose this. This kinda long distance THING HA "Option of first refusal" BUT the fear of commitment and inability to make a plan and include ME by him with any investment and always that caveat.. "We might not even be in realtionship by then" IS such a BLOCK, I mean an emotional block. Micheal is planning some travel in the Fall. He and buddies are going to an overseas Bills game. I am excited for him. He had this airline voucher and there will be funds leftover and he has to book something, use it or lose it in the next couple of weeks. NOW what is weird he that , I think it was just last Sunday, that as we talked and as I heard the clinking of ice cubes in the Scotch glass, and as I heard the slurring get mor over as he got drunk while talking with me....(That thing he does which is somehow fine on the the phone and I know it is like then he is not bothered by thinking I am judging him, and then I am not judging him and I am not bothered by the clinking- so it is something in the BODY Language of either him or me or both that changes that dynamic when in person and he is drinking and does not/cannot stop.... I am sure has to do with me needing to sleep and laying down for bed and him feeling somehow guilty which he should not , but somehow does, when he is still up as if there is something important to do but it really he can't stop the pull of that scotch. He wants my company, to have me dance and listen to music next to him/with him, be fun and cheeful and happy and playful and for some reason he gets irritated when my prioritization of sleep is made.) So what is weird is that he was again having trouble to commit to something far away FOR US Heck I was thanking him for his offer as he basically asked "Is there anywhere you would like to go? You can use the refund" and he made it clear he meant Use it or Lose it- at the wire of the expiration of that, so he was ready to just let me use it for whatever I want if there is something I want to do. I did say "I would prefer we plan a weekend somewhere and we BOTH get away and spend some time together. That would make the most sense." I was pitching the idea- "How about bring me to Europe too? The flights are not that expenive. You go to the game and do your guy bro thing, but fly me and we stay a couple days and do our thing." He said "Oh but one of us might meet someone and fall in love and be ready to marry them by then." I laughed and said "Not likely- Hell know not possible for you as if you meet someone and fall in love it would be a good seven to ten years before you would even consider thinking of that as an option." He did laugh: I mean I don't think he felt I was putting him down but knew I was joking and it was funny as it was true for him. He had a 12 year relationship with a gal he cheated on whenever she stared expressing desire to get married. He is not proud of this. Far from it. It was definately a fear response; a panic at thought of losing his freedom; and for him that is tied into being in control in some way. Yet he does this weird thing of carving out excuses of why he realized he could not marry her. Dude it doesnt take 12 years to figure out something like that. And choice to not commit can be made for so many reasons.. Ahem... or excuses .... Its easy to find a list of them if you have some other internal unresolved issue or lack of understating. I just appreciate those who are more clear in what they want and say it. Like say "I don't want to ever get married" I respect that so much more. I just say he is obviously never going to get married and he is not the marrying type. OK so all this to say it was heartbreaking to let go of the deep love for him, and we both do this dance and are ok with it. But it is still somewhat hurtful that after this many years he has such trouble even planning a weekend six months ahead of time. I mean come on now. AND THEN there is this- My response to him blurting out "One of us might fall in love and be ready to get married to someone met" or some such "Come on now, not likely..." and then I went on about "Heck we don't have to even worry cause if you do fall in love it would be seven years before you are ready to even commit so that means we could still go..." and that was so genuine as I thought it such a remote and improbable possibility. And then BOOM I meet this man who I connect with and just resonate with and it is so very different, and unique and I don't know so hard to even explain the absolute surpise, unexpected, yet real connection that can be palpable with someone who was a stranger just moments before. I mean I have had deep connections happen quickly before. ( like the theater guy- the mentor who coached me and was in such JOY and delight working on that piece with me. ) but this meeting this man, this quirky engineer friend of my bestie that she has told me of over the years, who I first met last April when she visited ( or the April before I forget now). It is just so delighfully surprising and fun and opens up possibility. I mean it is so wonderful and surprising and so different from the men I have dated with intention to have companionship. Its not like I was looking to find someone to share things I enjoy with. I mean I am content with wanting to and enjoying doing those things I enjoy ALONE. But when enjoying his company along with my bestie and he NOTICED and was ATTENTIVE to the little details, but I don't get narcissist controlling vibes. I don't get chameloen let me wear the skin I think you would find attractive ( and I will shed it and wear a different one when with someone else, in the color they like- I mean DC guy feels like that He feels a bit, hell no, much like he is going through motions of USING people for his agenda and along the way pretends to be someone he is not. I mean he would go to theater and be like "That was good" but somehow I felt was not FEELING it or connected to the experience... I don't know other than seeking the CONNECITON and that is OK, he wanted to socialize with the neighbor for example who owns the theater company PART OF THIS IS My GEEKY INTENSITY OF PASSION and GETTING REALLY INTO WHATEVER IT IS I DO and wanting that same kind of energy to enjoy things with- but in a postive way and in the past those with that energy also had an imbalanced negative energy equally strong. SO I don't look for intensity as much as actually ENOJYMENT and wanting to be PRESENT WITH ME at these moments. No matter what it is. And I was not feeling that from DC guy, it was so ulititarian for him. I swear he is just so worried and concerned about carving out a good sex life. Truth be told I can take or leave sex- hell it is marvelous if it is loving and an expression of love. And I can enjoy a good romp just all for the fun of the good sex- the problem I had with DC guy was his confusion of whether he wanted just sex or was looking for an actual partner and what he wanted from ME as he was VERY unclear. And there was the issue that I never fell for him. I mean it is clear we did not fall for each other but enjoyed each others' companionship. I have written all this before. This is just to say; one week ago I was thinking Heck I think I can enjoy planning and going somewhere with Buffalo guy in the Fall. It was more like discerning I can handle that without feeling heartbroken that there will never be a more fully committed relationship as worked through that But the thing is grief is an ongoing process. So with he and I there is the dance of time together then the separating out of need to not be so very attached so that it would hurt to not be- and therefore there is the willfull separation emotionally, the pull back and creating space for the singular letting go, processing that grief/heartache which is there and moving past it- back to distance that is "SAFE" and back then to reconnection witht he friendship first and foremost as always ( it is the foundation, right?) and then it is OK for us to spend time together and do the whole dance all over again. (If we choose) UNLESS someone happens to manifest in either of our lives. It just feels like possible someone did manifest for me. Will see Relationships ARE HARD they need work, good communication and steady nurturing. So of course ADHD does make that more challenging! I mean last communication had was the request I send the nights off work as the gentleman expressed interest in taking me on a date, out to the theater. I said "YOU pick" As he asked if I would like to head to DC, Kennedy Center. For real. So funny as the new cataloge came in the mail and I almost saved it and in the moment of looking at it THOUGHT Of him saying when my bestie and I were picking show tunes the other night "I think next time you are in town ( to my bestie) we should all go to a show-seems you both like musical theater." SO the last communication ( verbal) was he said he would like to take me out; and he offered a nice meal- asked what is my favorite restaurant Truth be told one came to mind but it was a past favorite. It was a place I went with a love and I don't want to go there. I want US to find a spot that is for US in the now. I don't want to live in the past. I want us to go out and create a present, and a future too for as long as it is good and working for us. I want him to pick and surprise me for this one. He is someone who would say how hard relationships are and how he has not had many and they have been challenging and didn't work out- who also strikes me as absolutory a romantic. It was just the sweetest- as we were talking and enjoying the conversation and there was such palpable energy. Hell sexual energy. I met him and could not freakin SLEEP I mean we were up all night talking and then I came home and worked etc and the next night had the worst insomnia and it was like this crazy kinetic energy and joy and anticipation and oh my I could not freaking sleep a wink until perhaps 5 am finally doze... And I swear my bestie, God bless her, the early riser WHO KNOWS I am also an early riser is the one person who would dare call at like 7AM and say "Let's go for a walk" or "Let's go get breakfast" ( or when the time was right- "Let's go canoeing" or "sledding" etc... HA HA This is what I LOVE about her! Her absolute lack of understanding of normal boundaries is also her very best gift in so many ways. She is irritatingly controlling but at the same time loving and adventurous and brings out some of the best in people- others. It is something of a wonder to see her in action. I mean events like that Walking for Water some years would have many folks show up to participate cause she invited them! The old jazz cats who had no audience, suddenly do when she picks a night and invites her friends/acquaintances and 20 of them show up. She is the most effective social connector I have ever met.) OMG it is just so so surprising and marvelous to fall just out of the blue for someone when don't expect it; or see it coming and to have it be mutual So I laughed as my Bestie called to wake me up and I answered the phone, literally in a half asleep dream like state with this man on my mind and I was thinking how GENTLE is he. There is this absolute gentleness in his manner. Now this is a BIG GUY. I mean really tall and large boned/figured with an imposing frame. He is a beast of a man. I mean for real- Towers over others. How to describe I mean it is so funny but with long auburn hair and beard, with a bit of grey therein I just think of Gandalf OH but he had shaved the next time I saw him- this weekend, he was freshly shaven. He does that just grows the beard then shaves it off about once a month so he said. I guess his hair grows fast! Heck I think I can't come up with another psudoname That is the one that keeps coming to mind Gandalf. I wanted somethign more unique- less pop culture It keeps bubbling up so I guess that is it. So he is a wizard. I was christened a witch ( HA HA) by the one restaraunt /bartender owner as I did not know his name and he said "Guess" And I named his two brother and his father. That was kinda funny then his uncle and he declared I am a witch I never guessed his name- funny one of the four was the name of young lover- who was on my mind as I was thinking how he does not follow through much of the time; (cause he texted asking if I was free Mon night and suggested he come pick me up but then he did not follow thorugh! He was tired; had a migrane so I get it.) I invited him to come over and have dinner Sun night KNOWING he would not come. KNOWING he is avoidant of actual relationship. I figured give him opportunity and see if he would step up to plate to that but he did not. Does not want to. So go figure as I am with this gentleman is the time he reaches out again- right after I said his name actually in the guessing game. He is the clear it is what it is, and lets just have some good sex once in a while without relationship UNTIL moment (if happens) of either of us finding a relationship. When I dated Art he was so good at that boundary. I told him I was dating someone and trying for a commitment with monogamy and he was so respectful then (HE IS Good with boundaries). The thing is sex for just good sex has such a shelf life. Truly- if a realtionship is all about sex it isone of those things you can't indulge in all the time of it loses the excitement. I truly believe this for sex without commitment. That choice is really just one I enjoy when NOT in a space where WANT a commitment. It is good for being "it is what it is", when there are reasons in life to not want an actual deeper relationship and all its commitments. Even if not married make no mistake relationships demand a commitment to some things for your beloved. Some are completely Avoidant of such commitments; OR as in my case have OTHER PRIORITES that must come first! (Obvious- KIDS most often!) I realize I could never commit to a man who could not also love my family. YET I did not fall in love with the one man who actually DID Love my family! YEAH of all the dating I have done, the one man who proposed to me truly is the only one who really invested himself in loving me and my kids. He truly loved them. I COULD HAVE Married him but I never fell in love. So So This is the new chapter and will see where it goes. This sweet, sweet man The alchemist wizard Gandalf is what I am going to call him here. Gandalf and my bestie and I planned another slumber party, for my benefit, to help me out and not have me have to bike innane amounts of miles. I acutally have a bona fide injury I believe in my left leg- kinda from thigh stretching all the way down through the shin, and my hip hurting too- some long muscle connected that is sore from too intense use - too much too fast... I love that this man is gentle and thoughtful and considerate and intentional. There is no impulsivity and he is not seeking self serving, self gratification. There is such a different energy and interest and mutuality. So we planned basically Slumber party #2 at his place. My bestie was planning on staying with me a few nights and then with him a few nights. She usually does this! He is on her crash pad list. They have been only platonic for years and he made it clear there has never been interest EVER for either of them In fact it was super sweet how he addressed that. I mean cause I said I would never date another man she dated before. This is different thankfully and that means the world to me as I don't want that kinda dynamic. She did say she is really happy for us that we clicked and that she of course will have moments of being jealous.. and then deal with it. HA HA ( I know her, I get it!) OH he addressed that only cause in one of our pow wows OF COURSE she had to tell our whole Henry/June/Anais like triangle ( but for the part missing that we have never been lesbian lovers! HA HA Anais fell for June... nada... that is not an analogous part of our story. Our story is more I joked of doing a fake civil service union just to give this gal/friend of mine health insurance when she was having health issues and busting her butt as child care provider, house cleaner...) No matter how manipulative my June was in ENCOURAGING Me to date Henry ( and I swear it was cause she wanted him to be in her life still- she wanted to still be in the lives of his kids and I think she thought that would enable that)- she still was WOUNDED by the fact she found out we DID get involved but had completely cut her out of that knowledge. Its a deep wound, so she will always bring it up once in a blue moon, regardless of having said that was the last time and she needs to forgive and move on. I am used to hearing her tell the story and it does not bother me. It is sometimes quite helpful if a 3rd party says that it sounded like she was being manipulative. (Gandalf did say that) Anyway.... I realized I fell for this guy when I woke THINKING ABOUT HIM after the night of insomnia. So I was so happy that June suggested instead of us both crashing here she come into town with me when I went to work and we both crash at Gandalf's. So last night was our 2nd fun gathering/slumber party. He again of course was an absolute gentleman, we did cuddle as watched the movie. He did ASK Me if we could go for a walk in the morning to watch the sunrise and he said he wanted to kiss me but was vowing to NOT and with intentionality to take things slowly physically. He said he is demisexual and doesn't feel attraction and enjoy sex unless already deep emotional connection of being in love. . So he wanted to just enjoy each others company with the clarity he was finding me attractive at some level- but sexual union for him is special I mean he is very thoughtful and we just cuddled and enjoyed laying there to try to sleep ( which I swear was an impossibility for both of us It made no matter if I laid there in his arms. We did move up to his bedroom- but were just cuddling and he said with clarity this is our time with our friend and he wanted a bona fide date He asked if we could walk to watch the sunrise and he asked if it was OK that he did not kiss me but waited for that moment. It was so lovely. We enjoyed a walk to the park and he said "So is this our first date you think?" I said "YES ! This walk to the park to watch the sunrise" It was so beautiful. And then we kissed on the bench in the park and it was so funny as the kiss is so important to me and it was just magical I mean he is a Wizard after all, and I the witch- I will embrace this alchemy. ( It was funny the folks out- as we all were socializing in the larger group, did nickname me the witch- after a few moments, not only the naming thing- but a couple other moments of 'synchronicity". Well those moments happened a few times with Gandalf. Just small and seemingly silly things like both blurting out at the same exact time "I love caramelized onions" and other silly small moments. It is so lovely and surprising and I am just delighting in the unexpected joy. I look forward to a date this week ( either one of two nights I have off- before I go into surgery). I did not intend to even mention the surgery. I mean he did not need to know. But then I chose to as it was comfortable, and I mean just so comfortable in talking with him- no awkwardness, and he was cooking preparing a meal for us, and I grabbed a drink- something, but realized I have pre op instructions of no caffeine, no teas, even herbal for seven days before... so couldn't drink that. And was being careful but said I have to be mindful for a medical procedure. He said later, after we cuddled and kissed he is sorry he can't be there to offer support the day of the surgery if I would have liked. He is heading out of town with friends next weekend. I love that he has deep friendships ( mostly for many years- from college, or even high school or growing up; then the newer ones are the work friends, like the fellow we had such fun with. He and this other friend, a gal who moved to Fl call themselves the Silly friends and get together literally to just do silly fun things as a nice outlet. It is so great to hear of the three of them and their fun. They are all engineers- software developers. He calls her his feminist friend and he had mentioned her a bit as wel talked and topics came up- as over the years she has educated him. He had this great shirt he happened to be wearing the night we all met up and went out- and this is kinda cool to me. I mean its just so important that this is who he is- a rainbow with READ BANNED Books in a crumpled well worn T shirt. Its like its not being worn to be cool or trendy but because it is important to him if that makes sense. He stays up on late calls with his bestie gal hashing out world/our nations crazy issues when they are not getting together for silly fun when she is in town. So cool things he likes to do- Kayak and again not like the gear head dudes trying to be cool with pic of kayak on their social profile along with a dog HA HA But Gadalf has a lake house he bought with a couple his is friends with and they share it half and half. Its pretty big and they literally divided the space inside and sometimes they go together and invite mutual friends and other times one or the others just show up and are there- most often separate times randomly but sometimes together. So I look forward to going Kayaking with him. He asked if my kids would be interested, I explained they don't go much of anywhere but maybe if they meet him and like him they would consider it. They did enjoy when I took them Kayaking ( except the youngest. She did not want to go. I also realize now she did not want to go horseback riding when we went. She consistently did not want to do new things. I am seeing it more clearly now that she, the youngest, who had full meltdowns when going to kindergarden was on the autism spectrum but it was not picked up on as not as overt as some of the more reactive behaviors of her older siblings.) I think this is impacting her ability to transition not just in small things but even more obviously in large transitions- like this one now. From high school to the big world out there. She is having a hard time taking the next step. So, as I got ready for work and then to be dropped off after kissing - It was so remarkable that at our ages, we were savoring this first kiss and so enjoyed it , I mean there was a vow to not do anything else... to temper other inclinations/desires and just kiss, that in the morning I looked in the mirror and LAUGHED at the chaffing, and red dot on my nose and chin raw. I swear I have blistering now. HA HA on my chin- that I was grateful for MASKS at work! Most are not wearing them anymore but I was happy to wear my mask today for sure! HA Ha Cover up works but it is better to let the air get to tej It made me wonder. "What is the world record for longest kiss?" Here you go- just in case you were wondering:

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

Doing some things at home til tummy feels better. It is feeling off... - 2023-06-04


OOPS don't want to appear ghosting anyone, especially Gandalf! - 2023-06-04


Darn, OK wrote too long. WAS going to be on time but recalled forgot to mention the music producer. He should not be omitted!! A crazy talent! - 2023-06-04


Darn off to find my dog on her morning adventure. - 2023-06-04


Oh yeah I think I just fell in love. I mean like that POOF it's magic-AND ADHD Moment of this week SURELY That I can't find my cell phone so temporrily LOST CONTACT with new love. - 2023-06-03