2023-06-11 - 5:02 p.m.

Disappointment my Buffalo guy basically did not recall things we talked about on our last conversation.

Sigh

Such is life.

I just re-told much.

I wanted to also mention Gandalf but did not yet.
But I had told him with specificity when my operation was and he did not remember. I think he did not remember my dead car required that I had to bike weekends either.

It's just disappointing. 😞

He did not remember he told me to pick where I woukd like to travel with him. I wanted to just first get an update then talk to him about that. I mean no reason to not make plans. Gandalf heard all about my relationship with him and is OK with that. I mean it's kinda a prerequisite that when I date a man I am honest and expect the guy to accept that there are other people in my life I love too. There are many different kinds of love and we have a great capacity to love.

Love is truly an infinite resource.

When you have kids it is crystal clear you don't love any existing kid less because you have birthed a new child.

I swear this is the nature of love.

We don't stop loving one adult in our life because we start loving another and letting another in. We make ethical choices of what those relationships loom like when honest and agree upon viundaeies abd rules of engagement.

Michael and I have clear rules of engagement. I prefer we talk about who we are dating
He prefers to make no mention, at least at first it seems cause he seems to mention after a while.

But the rules are no need to mention unless serious.

But I prefer the ongoing conversation.

But I just met Gandalf so can wait a little.

Yet I want to celebrate my new love so want to post pictures etc
I post them of friends after all, so figure should be posting of the man I am dating now that started seeing someone as well- but wanted to TELL him about the guy before I do so.
So I want to do so now.

OMG I so want to post the Hadestown pics.

I want to share those with transparency.

But it was not that which made me stop the conversation, I mean any discomfort in the disclosure of telling Buffalo guy I am seeing someone new. NO,

it was moreso I have to process the hurt that he forgot about my major surgery and forgot about some key things we talked of. That same pain that this is what happens in relationship with the alcoholic who does not recall conversations had when drinking.
Cause I am sure
he was drinking when I talked with him last,
So why would he recall telling me to pick where he wanted us to travel?

I was thinking Jan for his Birthday perhaps we could celebrate it by going somewhere..

But,

He did not seem to even remember he posed the offer and question to me to figure out by first week of June where I want us to go.

I can call him back.

But first just to process this disappointment for a minute.
I mean I was EXCITED to plan a weekend somewhere. But both disappointment he too forgot a major surgery. ( DC paid absolutely ZERO attention to the significant things going on in my life as well. In fact that was one of the things I wanted to talk about when he gaslit me and just lit into me about interrupting him. I mean he was self absorbed and THE WORST listener and RARELY Asked me one fucking question about the things going on in MY LIFE. It felt so freaking one sided that I paid attention to his every medical issue- his carpel tunnel, his back pain and assessment of how to treat it, his concern over a skin tag- when I was talking about worry of possible CANCER and he not once freaking expressed concern or asked me about it. SO I was ASTOUNDED at his "Trauma" at being felt not heard at the interruption. I felt like he needed such emotional support of his anxiety and his occassional feeling down but he was emotionally very unavailable when I was dealing with anything and just enjoyed a good time when we went out and had fun. and SURE we WERE good together at that- as had shared interests. But the one thing there was clearly not mutual interest in was in development of any deeper relationship. That was just disappointing then. And this now, my long term friend and yes romantic partner, is just not able to really hold space for me much cause of his own deficienies. Now he is one of the MOST emotionally supportive friends who will be there for any one of his friends. I do give him that! But just not if the conversation was had when he was driking. And that is unfortunately apprarently the issue- that I had the conversations at night after he had been driking. So I was , after the last conversation EXCITED to plan to see him again.

Gandalf did not change that.
Cause it was not with the pressure of a so called "anniversary" celebration of a non relationship. I couldn't do that. I just could not do that.
But I can absolutely enjoy seeing him without wanting more at this point.

I had to distance for a bit. I had to process the heartache and letting go as this is a man I cannot ever have a deeper committed relationship with despite how much we do love each other, and it is in fact frankly in large part due to his alcoholism- whether he acknowledges that or not; and my choice to NOT be involved at that deep committed level with an alcoholic. But I am good with "It is what it is"

And so is he.
It's all he really wants too.

So it still kinda hurts he seems to have completely forgotten what we talked of.

I mean like completely.

Was he really that drunk?

I guess so...

Just makes me sad.

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