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2020-11-15 - 11:40 a.m.

I am enjoying being home.
It's actually probably not healthy how much I enjoy throwing myself into work with focus once I get over a hurdle to start.

It would be healthy if I were doing so with more balance, for things that benefit MY growth, my creativity!

But for now happy when I do so for the work paid for as that provides for my family.
Time will come when I can do so for my interests.

I had plans to walk a park with a friend, a former co worker, yesterday morn but cancelled to get work done. In my professional work sometimes duty calls.

I missed an old dear friend of mine who used to meet me for a meal , going back 10 yrs now or more, when he and I both found weekends filled with tech RFPs. We'd send texts and break from the intense work for a meal in town. He has moved.

This work is honestly not nearly as complex, just takes time.

Got the project done so that felt good! It was great to also be home and have time for chores (which even when working from home during the week I find it hard to find time for).

Last night as I awoke from a dream I had so many ideas of things wanted to write in my head. I did not capture them! This morn I had a story idea re-formulate as was cleaning my microwave.

It takes energy for the ADHD person to be disciplined. The benefits are well worth it! Someday I will get there with my creative pursuits! I envision being as disciplined with my creative writing as I had to be with professional writing.

I have worked hard with intense effort and focus to BE THERE professionally!

I sm super proud of that!!

Even if it means to be successful sometimes must I work a Sat, or a near manic Hamilton like frenzy of work like running out of time for 15 hours straight as I NEED to do so to quell anxiety and KNOW nothing is left undone anyone else may have a dependency on!

EVEN IF I can't get my job done in 40 hrs, or am a minute late for a meeting, or have a typo or the mistakes in email recalled and re-sent (as I check and re-check work) I KNOW in the end my quality is as good but likely BETTER than others as my mistakes are more obvious so scrutinized by ME (and others) and corrected.

Studies show the ADHD employee tends , in the end, to develop a perfectionism attitude. It can be a challenge to overcome that and know also sometimes perfect is not necessary but good enough is OK! Moving a process along to get it done is critical.

Challenge for me in current space is it seems to me someone cares about metrics as the end all be all of measure of succeess. I am a big fan of metrics actually! Turn times of responsiveness to internal or external customers SHOULD be paid attention to! I am not a big fan of gatekeepers who have power to say what is good enough to go out and use inconsistent standards to allow some performers work to be sent out while blocking other's playing the game of their manipulation of metrics.

The sad thing is I think when someone plays the manipulate data game it is really obvious. At least to ME it is! I hope it is to others as well.

I never fixate or focus on games people play out of their fear but rather focus on doing the best work as timely as I can meeting needs of others' to best of ability.

I do prefer to be proactive but find sometimes I have been more reactive when someone for some reason finds me a threat and starts attacking. Maybe its my own ego that creates a blinder so I don't see it coming.

Thing is, if criticized because my efforts are not actually good enough, I can graciously try to contine to learn, work hard to understand and improve, and accept honest criticism and move on.

It is however disappointing when criticism is so obviously not grounded in reality. When it is not REALLY about my ability or lack of abilities and skills, knowledge or experience, it is truly difficult to work with someone's discontent when I am clueless about their motivation and intent.

And sometimes if it isTHEIR survival that is the intent its a pretty futile effort.

But then react I will.

I just hate the game.

I enjoy my job but someone is going to great effort to create a perception I am not capable in the role I am in.

It makes NO sense as I get it done! Every time!

Will judt keep doing my best and also job hunt. Might be time for another step up.

Each moment of change is ALWAYS an opportunity to rise to something even better!

I belong in a leadership role where my creative gifts are an asset. Sometimes the disruptor personalty who sees process improvement opportunities is not apprechiated if not in a leadership role. Heirarchical companies do NOT like natural leaders who could possibly influence a team in a way not congruent (whether intentional or unintentional) with management vision. I have unintentionslly bern that visionary disruptor in jobs before. As an INTJ/ENTJ ( I flip with really low I or E over the years- kinda like in the middle and that changes based on what focused on in life!), I need to be in a space where my natural leadership is valued and not seen as a threat!

Damn I try to NOt write about work!!

But its #1 worry now. For some reason I found myself on the space I am in after months of trying to parlay into the Disability Advocacy space. I tried to pivot to non profit leadership without success as of yet. So I figured I am where I am for a reason. Time will tell...

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