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2022-05-26 - 2:46 p.m.

FUNNY how life works.
I listened to an awesome podcast.
The thing it captures is a decent into mental illness.
One reaction I had that I shared with my oldest when they were here was that when I felt like I was going mad at work years ago when in throughs of divorce and I wished I had somehow saved the writing I did at that time. I literally had to write to survive in the moment. It was absolutely essential for me as I had to be present at work professional and "on" and focused and performing and the only way I could do that was to take breaks to let out the anxity of the emotions: to DEAL with them, process them and remain functional! I was NOT going to talk to anyone at work about my personal world! HECK NO.

Going through an old email address looking for something completely unrelated, I found the few documents of writing done at work during that dark time.

It confirmed something for me very clearly.

I was NOT mad.

The world is mad

As cops literally ignored abuse when I reported it.

And they dismissed and assumed It was some feigned imaginings of me from an unwell mind.

We wonder how horrific things happen like the shooting at the school.

It's because folks ignore all the signs when there is someone really off, when someone IS violent.

It's so startling and sad to have found and read some of my writing from 2010.

Seemingly randomly just after I said I wished I had saved it.

Truth is I was happier NOT remembering certain events.

Like receiving a phone call threat to kill me.

Yes it happened.
Wow

I HAD forgotten that!

I forgot some of the things thst were captured in the docs written while at work and emailed to myself.

I wrote in order to manage
and to have evidence if I had "mysteriously" disappeared at that time.

WRITING is what I do to cope when stressed.

Of course that is what got me fired after almost 5 yrs I am sure...
Nothing was NOT monitored at work and I knew it well. But I HAD to cope regardless of risk of being fired. Survival was more of a priority!

So happy to NOT have the stressor of that crazy time of being ACTUALLY hacked and of being terrified because of very real threats authorities dismissed.

They were dismissive.

In any case....

I captured some of the events in writing REAL time ( or shortly thereafter) back in 2010 and I thought it would be ...IDK....
Helpful to read?
Thought the unique description of living through something like that might be insightful? Helpful to others?

But honestly the reaction I have in the unexpected finding and reading words captured as near as real time as possible in the moment of being a victim of actual abuse that was terrifying is not validating as it provides evidence

Is that it is depressing.

It does little to read what I found and be relieved there is some evidence , dated, captured by email of time and place and authenticity with some evidence of tge reality of my experiences...
I mean the threatening phone call was actually a voice mail. It was recorded and despite the tangible nature of it STILL disregarded....

But the capturing if the context 🤔 and facts of it

Somehow does not feel vindication

Or validating

Certainly not comforting; Anything but.
Recently I have remembered some things I prefer to forget about thst time. Lack of memory is a coping and survival mechanism that serves well at times.

IdK why thought of this of late other than any time there is SOMETHING, anything at all that requires me to have the security folks at work check my system that will bring the past back into the forefront of my mind

When I did have the SOC guy monitor my computer for safety

Is it weird my next door neighbor to where I moved at thst time was an employee of the SOC where I worked? Synchronicity?

What I don't recall is if he and his family lived there before or after I found thst rental....not that it matters.

Ok comments like that make me sound paranoid

But paranoid is NOT actually paranoid when the interference of one's normalcy of life and actusl hacking REALLY HAPPENED.


I think I waa reminded of tge past simply cause I dud not get my tax return cause one kid fired already by Dad.

It made me think of the past....

Made me think " How did I NoT see that coming?"

And simultaneously think " Well good thing I did not see that coming as I don't have to live life like a chess game anymore. Don't have to anticipate move of adversarial opponent."


But finding the docs I found was frankly not freeing
Not validating
Not helpful

No brilliant writing thst could help someone else or give great insight

It isn't tge kind of writing I think anyone else would ENJOY the way I imagined as I so loved hearing the podcast I heard of the gifted writer as he decended into bipolar illness

No it was just
Depressing

Sad

To read the FEAR
Of the state I was in

Not mad rants of illness

No. No bipolar paranoia

Just the real coping by knowing there was no help so wisely venting in the ramble of writing so as to NOT have not have any anxious oversharing at work.

I recall the one time I was so terrified that I talked freely in the moment of absolute fear to one co worker

I still can see the tears in the eyes of that lovely and kind then young attorney

And know she spoke to the boss and thst was the beginning of the end of that job. She thought me unwell.

I was for thst brief moment. Yes I was unwell. My friend the winery owner I am STILL friends with had driven to my office to drop off borrowed car seats as mine were in a car they were moved to that for some reason I fid not have. My car therefore did not have car seats and it was a Wed and I had to pick up my kids at the designated hand off point.

I was freaking out that this friend was helping me. Not trusting him or his motive.

I remember her saying " Maybe he is just a nice guy" as I was having an absolute break down moment of freaking out with fear.

So the finding of the evidence of the death threat and hacking and things forgotten remind me why I was so terrified that had trouble trusting newfound friends

Cause it had been my husband I THOUGHT I knew and loved and trusted who turned into the horrific abuser and terrified me with continued mind games

No wonder I had trust issues.

The thing is reading SOME captured moments as they happened
Just was sad.

I don't know why these writings were found now.


Maybe they have some purpose but it doesn't feel like so for me in particular.

Maybe I can be a conduit of something created and they will be useful.

Finding the record of the past just made me sad.


What does sadden me of late most if all is that one of my kids was gaslighting me and being abusive ....

Echoing tactics learned by observing them.

Just a moment that passed so won't dwell on it but for this dump. Understand I write and dump them move on without thinking of it. This it the purging of the worry and works pretty good. I tend to not perseverate. But in the fight we had this kid of mine literally said I am known to have had paranoia
Mental illness
And memory issues

I could not believe how nasty that was , thst my kid would be so ugly

This kid was freaking out cause I dared move a bag of water bottles out of the living room and had full blown freak out screaming " Don't tough my stuff."
Their trauma due to to boundaries not respected is real.

Thing is I do respect their boundaries ( within clear parameters of necessity of maintaining a healthy environment).

But that argument will bubble up when there is stuff left in the living room and I move it in straightening up to clean and vacume.

It was just sad this kid tried to discredit my reiterating expectations as if we never talked of the house rules by attacking my memory and calling me mentally ill.

It was a sign of thst kid not right! Something is SO off to freak out at a small thing then use such dramatic narcissistic gaslighting tactics.

It Just made me sad.

Narcissistic behaviors are be learned.

That is what makes me most sad. When some of the learned behaviors are repeated and emerge In my now grown children.

I left the abuser and spent years working hard to provide a peaceful safe home yet at times the past seems repeated

At least not the worst of it. I just hope for my kids they learn to NOT be copycats of the un healthy.

It makes me sad in face of societal violence as violence begets violence.

It is so hard to undo
And difficult to unlearn.


Trauma can not be unlearned. Only coped with.

Can unravel the complexities and smooth out some of the resultant kinks but the tangle of generational and societal trauma is a complicated tangled web.


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