2022-06-07 - 5:30 p.m.

Its actually nice to hear my guy tell me he thinks I am so much more stable than I was 15 years ago!
HA HA HA

Absolutely true

I worry about his being well... and I needn't worry likely at all. Its just that when there is great sex with great energy in the beginning of a relationship ( I mean how long can that last?)
my brain goes
Is this person bi-polar with hypersexuality?

Hypersexuality is a trait.

Some of us do have that but don't get into trouble with that trait as we are inherenty responsible and have such discipline of being rule followers ! To add, it is also seemingly manifest ONLY when in relationship but for me at least can go LONG periods without any thought of sex! Or desire...or interest, like it is not in realm of conciousness. For me interest in sex is either a) awakened by a relationship with a bonafide PERSON or b) at times very hormonally triggered,,, absolutely... and that changes , ebbs and flows based on where one is at biologically. But as far as being responsible and not getting into trouble with trait of hypersexuality when the desire is awakened-

It is so true that trait is NOT problematic for some! Definately more of a gift!
Some, like me, are just clear rule followers and would NEVER cheat when in monogomous relationships; and have to make really CLEAR rules for relationships.

I do think polyamory works for some ... if have a high libido and hypersexuality. Just being freaking honest...

I mean when I could not commit I just dated multiple men consentually who all knew about each other and then my needs were met. I have said before (years ago) "I am too much of a mess and too emotionally and phsically needy to expect any one person to meet my needs!"

IT was fact.
and a good thing I knew it at the time...

IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE I am in a stable place now...
like night and day from 15 years ago!!

Heck I was like a scared deer trying to survive. I I have said it before that for some sex is so soothing that is really calms down an overactive nervous system. I think that for some sex is kind of like self medication. But back to the me of 15 years ago... talk about fight or flight mode and not being stable...
I was living at the bottom of Maslov triangle trying to not be destroyed and scambling, hustling for survival. PTSD had been a something I was living with for so long it seemed normal to be in a constantly anxious state.

SO... for me..... Darn, why the heck did I end up writing about SEX again??

Oh yeah... I have the bipolar diagnosis and was parsing that out how some of the symptoms don't really look so bad ( as they aren't that bad) but the concern is if you have these you MIGHT be prone to having the BAD symptoms!

I wanted to talk about the traits of bi-polar and why I get nervous about Art- because he has had periods with ZERO energy, then alternating with such high energy at times I worry that his matching my energy and our amazing sexual chemistry which is unparallelled ( in my life) and his sometimes really big ideas, and the fact he seemed to be on a shopping spree and eating out alot..make me worry a little
( is this manic shopping? Are his ideas grandious? Impractical?? Or grounded in reality? ) I mean anyone that matches my hypomanic state makes me worry if they TOO Are like me. And if so, would that be a BAD Match if we are too much like each other? I assumed so in the past... now not so sure if my worries are warranted or based on my fears and projection. Then again, what if the fear of him being bi-polar IS TRUE? Is it really something for me to worry about if he, like me, has not had psycotic episodes of the nature that make some people really lose touch with reality? I mean I am very grounded in reality and always have been. For me it is more that I sometimes have intrusive thoughts that I can regognize are not reality based and then I deal with them.
People told me some of my ideas were not realistic but then I worked toward them until they came to fruition! I DO believe in him so don't think having expecation of a well paying job using his skill set and education is a stretch...)
The thing about the bi-polar person is that hypomania can be a GIFT if you don't overdo it... if you carve out time to
GET SLEEP
EAT WELL and
EXERCISE
I do think it really funny how so many don't understand that diagnosis itself is not really one that means you are bat shit crazy.

No....
I don't really get bat shit crazy.
(I really just get paranoid a little !)

I think the thing that makes those with bi-polar spiral is when there are stressors, triggers, trauma,or an unhealthy lifestyle of not getting the essentials the body needs to be balanced.

But the intense dopamine and endorphine hits of falling in love can also TRIGGER a manic episode in one who is bi-polar!

I know someone who dated a man who was very stable but had that diagnosis and when they fell in love their illness suddenly manifest and they became really unwell! The relationship then was not healthy with drama.... and was not sustainable.
It ended ( and when I heard of this to be honest knew it was a healthy choice on the part of the other person who ended it.) The person in that case with bi-polar illness was very unwell and a relationship was not sustainable long term.

[Where did that phrase "bat shit crazy" even come from? BATs are freaking cool creatures. Art mentioned that in some Native American lore the Bat sympolizes positive change; a re-birth.]

I do think deeply spiritual persons do come across as absolutely crazy in relation to the rest of the world.
That is fact.

It is a PERCEPTION of crazy as deeply spiritual persons are SO DIFFERENT and just SEE and UNDERSTAND the world so very differently than others.

Truth be told I would like nothing more than to see Art productively painting again. He had periods of great productivity of creative works and then my observation- when NOT in realtionship with him as an outsider looking in, is that when he was in relationship he subordinates his desires for his loved one.

I think HE gets codependent.
I am less worried about me being a codependent person but worried to not recognize that he could do that and lose himself in a relationship then feel resentment.

He needs to have clear boundaries which I do not think he is particualarly good at. But THEN as my girlfriend I was talking with said

"SO, let me get this straight-
you are worried about his boundaries;
but this is the guy who would not talk to you at all when he was in a relationship with someone else? That to me sounds like he has VERY good boundaries... hmmm "

SEE PEEPS who worry about their person talking to other friends about their relationship. IT IS HEALTHY To shoot the shit and parse out issues of concern with your other friends!

IT gives perspective.
It helps one see other sides of a worry or issue... and OFTEN
Helps you realize what are YOUR own internal issues and fears
that you might be projecting.

Hmmm...

Yeah Maybe my worry is really about MY boundaries? My need to carve out safe and healthy ones and my need to know they will be respected moreso than fear of him having boundary issues? Art DOES have exceptional boundaries of protecting his relationship.

I know that about him! HA HA

The thing is I think he also has trust issues. That is HIS issue to deal with. But not mine to take on.

The thing is I feel less worried when I have all day to do my thing and then enjoy the call from him

I worried ALOT when he showed up unannounced after I had gone out without him one night! THAT FREAKED ME OUT as that is not a good sign!

When he gave me space and I got my stuff done... and I missed him... well then things seem OK;

yet when I spend too much time together I DO get that fear I am being encroached on and won't have space for my own growth.

and in his mind there is no such thing as too much time together!

I do think one has to protect and honor oneself and its important to be sure to not forget to do the things for self that are important!

I COMPLETELY FORGOT a commitment I had for church on Sunday. It was not a BIG deal but made me realize that in spending time with him I had been completely not mindful of my schedule and very distracted! Art also told me he left me Sunday as I went off to go to church that he ALMOST forgot he was signed up to usher at his church!
That scared me in a way-
that forgetting of something I commited to do that I LIKE to do for myself!

I just get so worried about losing myself in a relationship. That is what happens when in a relationship with a narcissist.

But when we went out to eat this weekend I noticed the interaction was SO VERY Different than it used to be when out with my narcisstic ex husband. There was so much more consideration of me.
There is so much more consideration of me in EVERY way.

I just want to remember if it was this way in the dating years of my 2nd husband... and I don't think it was. I think then I was deferring to his suggestions and opinions and I had little input as I was so easily pleased. Even when we had gone out to dinner I remember THEN being unable to look at the menu and order as the cost of the entrees ( when flew out to meet him) let me know the damn bill for four of us out to dinner was going to be darn near my monthly rent in the Buffalo apt. That was the differnce in lifestyle between the world I was living in and the world my 2nd husband lived in.

And I just could barely justify the amount being spent on taking me out to dinner in that moment...

So realize those were My ISSUES with money
and it was MY ISSUE with fear
and basically
when feeling encroached I decided I need to parse out what are red flags
OH YES I KNOW The showing up at my house unannounced is a BONDA FIDE RED FLAG
and what are MY ISSUES to work on...
so finally

because I guess I have a motivation in the fact that I am submitting to the love of Art and accepting the love of Art and feel like we HAVE to at least give this a go...

finally

I was motivated to make a theapy appointment.

I met the therapist today. Virtual appoinments are SO GREAT!

I seriously think having virtual mental health care will perhaps be the best shift to have happened in our world in the past couple of years. It think it will become destigmatized to get self care and that our world will become better because of it.

I am grateful I have money in my HSA account that I am going to use on therapy.

It will be very helpful I am sure!

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