2022-06-22 - 4:10 p.m.

Thank God my credit union refunded two of the three overdraft charges for the one mortgage payment that kept posting before it would clear.

WHEW
$65 deposited back in my acct! ( Charge was $32.50... not $35 for each overdraft insufficient funds fee).

What a relief.
I had exactly $200 in the account today and the water bill that is to be paid in a couple more days is slightly more ( I think $206 for the past two months).

Its a bit higher than normal! We ran out of dish detergent for the dishwasher so I have been washing dishes by hand. Its no joke the difference in the amount of water when using a machine rather than washing by hand.

Also- its summer and the season of washing loads of laundry more than once! HA At least for my teens who TRY To do their own laundry but fail to always follow through;

OR ME as I try to help them and fail to remember to move it along...
I was the most recent culprit of laundering the SAME load twice!

So now I am on the phone with my mortgage company asking them kindly to put a stop payment on the transaction which they are going to keep posting!!

I made the mistake of not realizing they would keep posting the same transaction until it cleared!
When it could not be paid due to insufficient funds, after moving money I accidentlly authroized a payment. Meaning I put in a 2nd payment of the mortgage when the first transaction had not yet succeeded.

DAMN I should have KNOWN Better.
I DO know how this works...
I am not clueless but honestly just forget these things I know.

If you ever have an overdraft on a mortgage just MOVE MONEY To cover it- as the mortgage companys WILL keep re-posting the same transaction until it goes through.

and you WILL Get MULTIPLE overdrafts and bouncing of other bills if you are literally paycheck to paycheck and the fees affect your ability to pay other things. So when I moved money and set up the payment that day, I disregarded there was already a payment being sent. So the first goes through and is cleared and immediately after that I see ANOTHER transaction bounced! DAMN

It is so by design so the mortgage companies will get paid that if there is insufficient funds the transaction doesn't just bump back and get cancelled. NO they will KEEP posting it. I KNEW THIS. So the shame of it is in my anxiety to pay on time I ordered a transaction a 2nd time FORGETTING this knowledge I have from having worked in the damn mortgage finance industry at one point!

WE all agree to this ability of mortgage companies to repeatedly continue to withdraw a scheduled payment if it has not yet gone through when we sign those contracts.

I know that well

I just don't worry about it til it hits me and hurts!!

I still know investing in the business web site was a wise decision.

I just have to do some marketing.
I am thinking to take a tip from the web designed who has done work for MANY businesses in my area. He sets up shop in a local coffee shop as his office. He socializes with everyone that comes in and guess what-

IT is business development.

HECK He likely expensed all that coffee too!
HELL I WILL
as I don't go out for coffee. I am too frugal and truth be told PREFER To enjoy my cup of joe quietly at home!

I Am secretly a home body so I am learning.

I mean I guess that is why when dating I am perfectly happy seeing a guy I am really into just twice a week. More is too much if it interfers with my ability to be fully present for my family and make progress on the things I NEED TO GET DONE.

I just can't focus when distracted.

I apparently have not been great at my own boundarys either as the only dates that Art ever asked me to ( other than dinner at his home or going to the picnic at his sisters where he brought me as a date) were going out to breakfast!
MOST OFTEN RIGHT WHEN MY WORK DAY STARTS TYPICALLY

and I went.
I did just happily carve out the time with him to try to invest in the relationship.

I think that is the thing that I don't understand him not really getting. I have not been selfish with my time and put our relationship before other goals at times thinking in the end work is not as important as the relationships we have with those we love. SO I worked some days and logged only two hrs cause I went to breakfast instead! I mean if I didn't have time later that was a loss of my income to go out to breakfast with him.

YET I HAVE to increase my work and to do so I really do need to network.

How can I POSSIBLY build a business if in relationship with a man who is going to act jealous and make those comments constantly about any interaction I have?

I mean the comments when I went to volunteer: "Is there some hot guy wanting to ask you out?"

I just really recall that one as it was so fucked up.

I don't think it flattery.
Its delivery was not as a compliment.

Come to think of it Dr. Faucci used to say shit like "There are probably so many men in love with you"
and I took it as flattery but now that I think of it, knowing how anxious he too is- that was not an expression of a compliment but one of anxiety and worry when we were involved.

Its amazing that men do not see what a turn off it is when they are controlling.

Today I got a call from Art who said he thought about it and decided to try to talk to me rather than thow in the towel-
(He sent a text saying basically "It's over" yesterday in response to me saying I was getting ready to go out and would be out for evening and could talk to him today.)

It was such an odd conversation that we did have today when he decided to call after last night's reactive text he sent saying I was free of him.
I mean I tried to just text more the day before yesterday and the day before I think as well- to have more communication -
as he was talking about how he needed more communication and wanted to know how my day was.
SO I texted.
I know friends who do text all damn day

I HATE DOING THAT

I fucking hate being tethered to a cell phone. I find it a PIA and an interruption to being fully present.
BUT I TRIED at first for a couple days of late. ON the call today he clearly did not apprechiate the efforts of the past few days.
I figured maybe with flooding of communicaiton which is what I thought Art would LIKE he would be reassured and not himself anxious. Apparently that did not work. HE just took it as me being neurotic. ( I mean I saw how Faucci and his lady did that--- on the occassion of us going canoing one time last year, when he was texting her back and forth in the car - then pulled over to talk to her- and when I spent time at his home on occassion and saw same--) HE seemed to LOVE the constant text updates she gave. I thought it FUNNY he complained he found her distant when she was communicating all the time. ( HE meant he had not slept with her in a week and it was driving him batty- all about his SEX drive not other communication!!)

So I figured if Art really wanted more communicaiton I could try,

IT was fasinating to me today when he did call and I picked it up he was like "WTF was that texting? You were spazzing out neurotically"

I was like
:What?
I was not neurotic.
no spazzing ( just mispellings My texts need deciphering as I quickly texted and there is no spell check. I don't re-read- but I texted and put the phone down to be back at it... whatever happen to be doing, cooking, or cleaning or hangin with teen)

I didn't quite realize they were not that clear. My few friends I text know my crappy text style. I know NO acronyms or modern text speak.

I misspell

Dyslexia is clear

Nothing neurotic about the fact I write ridiculously fast and therefore can send a sting of texts.

SO ....
ART REALLY did not want the more detailed communication of my day.

I suppose maybe there was passive agressiveness come to think of it in me sending the play by play of what I was making for dinner when I texted NO I am not coming over.

I THOUGHT it was to let him courtesously move on with his night and not be waiting on me as he ACTED like in past he was WAITING expecting me to come over-
so I was trying to BE CLEAR not coming over
but also COMMUNICATIVE
so if he has anxiety he knew what I was doing.

Me Nuerotic? NO
Perhaps passive agressive!

SURE as in
here is what the fuck I am doing when you are so fucking paranoid and need to know my every move.
But the funny thing is I didn't even GO THERE- I think I just went with the communication intended to CALM him the fuck down and not be feeling abandoned when I am home doing my thing... something like

"Hey making potatoes that take 40 min to bake
diinner nor for another hour
so definately tired and won't want to go out tonight.
Thought I should let you know now so you can plan your evening not coming over"

Neurotic?

No. I was actually really calm when texting the mundane details of my life. OH maybe it was the play by play when I got home Sat morning that he was like WTF.
Neurotic? NO
PASSIVE AGRESSIVE-
OH YES now that I think of it.
I did want to let him have a bit more visibilty as to what mom responsibilities I had. I am sure there was angry undertone even if I did not consiously realize at the time as I was trying to increase communication
thinking " You are wondering what the hell I DO? Here is a window into the mom job"

I texted some of the morning shit I was doing.
The BORING normal responsibilities
Fucking boring ass texts which he did not like blowing up his phone I guess with the communication of the mundane chores I have to do...

Passive Agressive yes-
Not neurotic. Passive agressively calling BS that he gives a fuck about how my day actually was when he is upset I didn't call at night. That was plain BULLSHIT. So giving him details of my day real time the past two days basically calls that out as he had no interest and was irritated by it. SEE he found it irritating to be interrupted I bet! The fact is he really was pissed I didn't call at night at end of day is because he has an overactive libido and in his hypersexuality he can't imagine a parter that meets his libido is not itching to fucking get laid and ready to jump any willing man if HE is not around. In other words- he objectified me. I feel like he really was not trusting and so looked at me like a sex object that he could not fathom that I could go anywhere and not be tempted by OTHER MEN looking at me as an object of their sexual desire. Well other men actually DO respect boundaries and not push them. OTHER MEN are not all thinking with their dicks! Newsflash other men actually interact with women in the world NORMALLY and don't only look at them as a piece of ass. I am angry as his insercurity of worry about my fidelity is all that drove that anxiety and need of his to hear from me for his emotional stability because HE IS RELYING ON SEX to sooth his own overactive system and calm the fuck down AND HE IS OBJECTIFYING as well as perhaps showing bona fide addictive behavior. He was fucking jonsing if he could not see me. I was his fucking fix. That makes me freaking angry as it makes it far less likley he was ever in love with me and much more likely he just is not at all self aware of his own issues, needs, and has no idea how to accept self responsbility in learning how to meet his own needs. It just makes me feel used frankly.

Angry at his wanting to know every move perhaps fueled that kind of increase in my communication which I was thinking might help him calm the fuck down.

I wasn't even aware at the time I was angry

I thought they were attempts to communicate after listening to the podcasts that give advise on how to help an anxious partner be calm and head off their full blown anxiety. I honestly was thinking if I texted tons the two days before my next solo excursion to D.C. he might have had enough of me to not even think twice when I said "talk to you tomorrow. I am not calling when I get home as way too tired". But then when I delivered the phone message the anger just bubbled up in my voice and I said something like "I AM NOT Going to be doing that. Do not expect me to call every night and freak out if you don't hear from me. I don't need that drama. I'll call tomorrow" ... or something like that- and yes it sounded and really WAS very angry I realized right after I hung up. And I thought- GOOD as I just communicated more freely and let him know how I really feel. That is what he is asking for after all. I was pissed to even be making a call as it was time to get ready to go, but I TRIED to do so out of concern for the feelings of this man. I mean I was calling but then thinking it was fucked up I NEEDED To call to let him know not to be waiting to hear from me that night. I just DID NOT want a repeat of the LAST time I went to a show solo and he was barradging me wanting me to come over after (Even after my clear NO) and showed up AFTER it was over at my door when I arrived home. I am STILL finding it hard to NOT be angry at that behavior. I am angry that he does not acknowledge it is controlling behavior. I think that is what pissed me off most of all. That kinds of stalking is fucking SCARY. It is in fact STALKING. How can a guy not get that? Not to mention The nerve of someone giving me a fucking hard time for needing to SLEEP after a drive. I mean it is fucking EXHAUSTING driving and moreso at night and the last time it was fucking RAINING and the guy gave me shit about not wanting to talk to him on occassions WHILE I was driving home. HE really did go into that BS> Like "Why didn't you WANT to call me on your drive back from voluneteer work?" SAME As he gave shit about me not calling the night I last went out solo and was driving back from DC in a fucking rain storm. WTF WHY NOT? Because I have ADHD and don't want to DIE? Isn't it fucking obvious? What part of "I don't talk when driving" do you not understand? To be upset I did not call you during rush hour just outside of DC?? WTF?? I mean I felt like this dude has not paid attention to me whatsover to understand some basic fundamentals of WHO I AM. Did he ever catch the part of narcolepsy like history and exhaustion when driving; that it takes me LONGER to get places just now as my car has some shitty trouble and can only accellerate to 60MPH). I think that is why I found the insecurity and lack of trust so damn offensive. Moreso than even threatening I just find the behavior self centered and sad as he seems more into himself and his needs than any concern for me. It was not like "Text me when home please so I know you are safe" I mean I HAVE gotten that kind of request. The tenor is VERY DIFFERENT> I have no issue doing that when the request is out of concern for me, when the request is out of LOVE. BUT that request comes out of concern for me not NEED for affirmation and dependency on ME for one's emotional regulation. Its like Art has no ability to have self management of his emotions and is putting the responsibilty of his emotional well being ON ME when he does not hear from me! As if it is My Responsibily how HE feels. As if I am somehow responsible for his bad feelings when I am busy and not with him. NO That is not healthy and not my issue. I am not insensitive when I communicated "Busy talk to you tomorrow". I KNOW this as I HAVE dated many HEALTHY men who say that or recieve that without anxiety and without shifting self responsbility onto another. I am reminded of the dude I went out with three times. I didn't talk to him for something like two days then got a call and he asked "Are you going to break up with me?" to which I then said "Yes, I am sorry I am just not interested." TRUTH BE TOLD I had not intended on breaking it off yet- but that insecurity was enough to make me not want to explore the relationship more. I suppose I just have little tolerence for some things. Perhaps it is self centered of me- but I have so little patience for insecurity. That may be a fault in me- but honestly I just don't have patience for it. My life is too busy. I AM TOO BUSY And will remain busy with connections to organizations, responsibilites and a full schedule of community outreach beacuse I LIKE DOING THAT kind of thing. I work part time so I can devote time to my kids and to advocacy. I don't need someone who agrees with me on everything but a relatioship will not be sustainable if my time spent with others is seen as threatening or if one is insecure if they don't hear from me for two days. Heck that is not sustainable FOR ME.

So in hindsight I think my attempts at greater communication to appease and head off worry of Art's were veiled angry passive agressive texts too.
as in rather than being DIRECT in saying " How can you be do dense? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM DOING when not with you? I am already so angry at your fucking comments worried about interaction with other men! I am fucking home making a plate of food for my kid who has not eaten all day so HOW DARE YOU act so fucking needy like a child and judge me for having to leave you in your lonesome and not being sensitive to your emotional needs cause I am a mother that feels compelled to go home and ensure my depressed teen eats one balanced meal today. Stop being a goddamn child and be responsible for YOUR OWN emotional well being and figure out how to manage your OWN emotions when I have LIFE to do!"

NO I just texted the details of my mom life.. oh so mundane...
but also maybe startling in the stark realtiy of my family needs. Because I pretty much gave a snapshot of WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO BE A CARETAKER OF DISABLED FAMILY. Make no mistake, Art is not in a caretaker role. He lives with his Father who is very self sufficient and in fact who is doing most of the meal prep. I witnessed this- his Dad is quiet well and capable. Not to say he did not have a spell perhaps in the past where he was not doing as well. And not to say Art's presense is not tremendously valuable to his Dad! OFTEN people thrive when they have someone to care for! But the reality is that Art's Dad does not NEED him there and that Art is choosing to be there and enjoy that time with his Dad but is not in any way responsbile for care of one disabled or infirim and seems clueless to what it is really like to be challenged with serious health issues. He is very dismissive of his sister who is disabled and judgemental and frankly abelist. The Bullshit "If she would just lose weight' I won't even start on that topic other than to say it is one of the most abelist things said to folks who are disabled. Just go on instagram if you want to be educated about what it is like to encounter abelism and comments about weight when suffering the pain of chronic illness ( which hits all body shapes and sizes, and weight is not its cause and often losing weight will not make chronic illness which most often is genetic just disappear. SURE it might help a person but it is not something that a person can control if they are chronically ill and already eating healthy. Weight gain is often a RESULT of chronic illness! So to be disparaging about ones weight when they are ill is just one of the most insensitive things. I have a fucking pet peeve about men who comment on women's weight at all. I have just been irked by things Art says and I know I am being childish to rant about them all but this is one way to let go and move on and this is a perfect space to do so- better than paper journal as the only few who will read it are strangers ( or virtual distant sort of diaryland friends! Some don't feel like strangers after this many years!)

I guess I am pissed that I had to EVER justify my decisions about my time
and moreso that I had to fucking justify caring for my family and not being at all understanding of me not letting him into this space immediately
and not being willing to spend all my time in his space immediately.

I am ranting as yes a bit pissed that when he called he said he did not know how broken I was
the depth of my PTSD and acted like it is all my unhealthy response to being triggered BECAUSE I have PTSD.

NO DOUBT he triggered PTSD.

But that is becuse he exhibited controlling behaviors. YUP That was clear when I woke up at his place after he had cajoled me to stay in the middle of the night and I felt the absolute panic attack and just had to leave. I literally felt the tightening of my chest and could not breathe the night I left the note. It was a full blown panic attack. YES he triggered it- the thing is his behavior WAS CONTROLLING and SHOULD BE FEARED-

I just KNOW what those controlling behaviors that show up early in a relationship are now! AND YES They escalate!

OK
So today I did get shit done.

Its been a good day regardless of the one phone call. It did just make me annoyed at his childishness. He did hang up on me.

HE said he is disapppointed.
Well I am too.

But life goes on.
This relationship is certainly not serving either of well. I am not getting the emotional support I NEED ( despite his acting like he wants to provide that- he of course started YELLING on the phone. Sorry dude....and Italian with a hot temper losing it is not emotionally supportive to ME. He says "I tell it like it is and don't hold things in so they can be addressed" and sure that has some benefits but if one can not control self from NOT yelling in doing so it will not work well for me. My passive agressive and then directness was not helpful either.

I have been there and done that and WILL NOT maintain a relationship with a yeller.

YOU who yell out there may not agree that is abuse but it CAN BE.
and it IS if it is SCARY. (Maybe some yelling is not abusive. I am not sure about that but open to the possibility) But I know I DO NOT want to stay in a relationship with a yeller.

I don't need anyone in my life who is sending my nervous system into a state of hyperarousal !

I think tonight I will watch something fun and relaxing like Bridgerton. MAID is so fucking good but it just hits too close to home. I think I NEEDED To watch it to be reminded not to accept less than what I deserve in a relationship.

The timing WAS helpful.
And it reminded me I am not done with my writing of the project I was working on (am working on) of dating advice. WOMEN DO NEED TO BE AWARE OF EARLY SIGNS OF ABUSE. I know I am not wrong about this. Art exhibited abusive moments 15 yrs ago. I was open to the possibility he learned skills and grew and did not assume he was the same person he was 15 yrs ago. That is why I thought I would date him and see where it goes- because when he did have his moments in that past- I just kicked him out of my house and HE STAYED out at the time. I still have the distinct memory of the times he was at his worst. I was not judging them; but he ALSO shared more recent moments where his anger got the better of him. So I KNEW this was and is possible for him to lose his emotional control. But heck I wanted to not assume he didn't overcome and grow so thought give it a whirl. He thinks I am just projecting fear based on my Ex husband. NO So the recent dating of him just ends up being another chapter to help impart wisdom to others. Not intended that way at all. But I did not EXPECT the red flags of an abuser to be manifest in Art. I likely recognize behaviors he exhibited in the past that at that time when I feel in love with him first I did NOT know enough to recognize! BUt they are certainly in him NOW. He exhibited them. He also shared and I think he FORGETS that he shared details of the angry abusive episode that ended his last relationship two years ago. He KNOWS he was wrong and I didn't even judge him for that as in hindsight he was taking accountability when we spoke as friends about it two years ago. He confided, was contrite and acted like he wanted to learn, was open to learnign from the moment he messed up. But I think the person who has problems with anger, I have said this before, is just like the addict. UNLESS seeking ONGOING support and constantly challenging oneself to grow in learning how to be healthy in communicaiton and relationships and anger management, the hot headed person will continue to have trouble due to lack of ability to control their anger and express it in a constructive manner rather than a destructive one. I have written a bit more longhand for that project on dating advise for the adult women new to dating and will eventually figure out that Dragon software to bring the project to completion! I always said my bestie could write a dating manual on how to meet men to date- She also exhibits many things NOT To do, but some of the things she does would actually be GOOD advise on how to be genuine in connecting and developing Friendships and dating as FRIENDS to explore possibilities of more. She does that very well initially... she just stays in the platonic dating relationships far too long from my perspective once she KNOWS the guy is not for her. That is where we disagree- as I call that manipulation and USING men in a narcissistic manner and she is quite OK with that thinking no time spent with her (or money spent on her) is wasted as she believes she brings VALUE to the lives of the men she interacts with. Her confidence is something many women can learn from! So in my writing I have tried to capture that which I think is sound and will serve women weather they are looking for a long term partner or seeking ethical non monogamy and want to jump start their love lives. (Either choice VALID!) Funny as I have NOT WANTED a long term partner in the past- yet that is precisesly WHY I am suitable to guide other women as I have received a number of proposals WHEN I DID NOT WANT THEM. So there is something there that I can share to help the women who DO want that to have the opportunities I have turned down which THEY WILL SAY YES TO! There is an art to dating. That is the topic of the writing which I was doing as I have learned a thing or two worth sharing; and have said for years June could write a dating manual so at some point just took on the project after realizing I have had many really truly fulfilling dating relationships as one who choose to DATE without marriage as a goal. Interesting how for me I think I addressed my FEAR of commitment and AM open to marriage and decided I want a monogomous relationship so there has been growth in me. I had not trusted there was a man out there who could handle the complexities of my family and me. But now I am confiedent there ARE Men able to do so. I KNOW This as DID have a couple in my life-but I was not confident at the time to trust either of them could handle it. I think NOW should have have a relationship as good as the ones I had in the past I would be more open to confidence that we are, as a family, not TOO MUCH for a man. But fallin in love kinda made the writing of the project far less fun. I mean it made me not in the space of wanting to write more for benefit of those seeking non monogomy. My head has not been in that space. So it felt like the project was of my PAST. It felt like it was DONE and just needed to get edited and out there in the world as I have grown beyond it. For the fun of it was moreso in the how to date and be fulfilled and honest WHEN NOT looking for marriage. That was the thing I know well- in addition to what I did WRONG that resulted in proposals which would be what a woman can do RIGHT if that is in fact her goal... Anyway. About two months or so ago I was wondering if I would ever want to write a thing more on the project. I felt like it was an artifact of my past. I lost complete interest. As I was in love and open to the possibility of an actual bonafide commited monogomous relationship with someone I intended to grow in relationship with with openness of actual consideration of marriage. Yes falling in love will make one reassess goals.

Maybe tomorrow I will work through the challenge of that darn software and get more done on that writing project. This chapter will be more directly on the red flags of abusive men to avoid.
Setting that intention now that did all I could regarding finances, and have bought replacement guitar strings and gotten some other things done on my TO DO list today. ( Thank God again for AMEX!! It keeps working...) I faxxed off a letter I wrote today to the insurance company for an appeal of denial of medical charges.
Glad I got it done today.

Not going to discuss details as it is a kid issue but for
DENIAL OF CARE due to being trans IS against the law in VA.

AND YES trans folks DO have a hell of a hard time receiving decent medical care. If it isn't their family refusing to cover their insurance due to transphobia, its actual transphobic policies.

BUT our VA rep Danica Roam has addressed this.

https://equalityvirginia.org/what-we-do/make-equality-real/trans-health-insurance-protections/#:~:text=At%20the%20federal%20level%2C%20the,gender%20identity%20or%20transgender%20status

So I reminded Anthem of the VA LAW today and expect medical bills to be adjusted and COVERED by our insurance. Honestly I think that is what also plays into me ending this relationship. All I have to say is every time I hear Art misgender someone, anyone, it breaks my heart a bit. I venture to say it was easier to duke it out with my winery owner friend with a trans kid (cause we were not romantically involved) and I have little issue with friends who are not yet undertanding of those who are different who I think just need more exposure and education. I mean I KNOW people grow and DO overcome their own homophobia and transphobia in time IF they really maintain a loving relationship with someone in their world who is gay or queer/ trans. BUT Only if they are open to LISTENING My winery owner friend will argue tooth and nail but THEN show behavior shiftsover time. They ear subelt.. but the thing is, even if someone doesn't want to GROWTH HAPPENS. I swear it is part of life. So over time he submitted and stared to call his child by her name and correct pronoun. But while I can accept having friends that require exhausting conversations over things like racism, sexism and homophobia/transphobia I just can't be in a partnership with a man who has many issues surrounding those areas. It will not work for me. I mean I am going to keep going to the NAACP meetings. I can not be in relationship with one who is going to be disparaging about the course on How to be an Ally. That is a deal breaker for me. Plain and simple. I was encouraged and open to dating Art as he is VEHEMENT on how our democracy was on the brink of disaster with the election of Trump. So those conversations were a breath of fresh air from this artist I had fallen in love with yEARS ago but had not talked politics with. At June's birthday party it was SO WONDERFUL To hear his conversations with others on the topic. WONDERFUL To hear his comments on the racism of our culture that some were oblivious were problematic. BUT later he scoffed at my mention of the Being an Ally series. I didn't want to attend this round of it frankly because I was TIRED and felt needed a break from the intensity. But I will do so again as it will be run again. I hope to convince my church to HOST it for our whole community. ( I pitched it to the National Presbytery so they can offer it to various church communities.) I would like for our church to host in person groups for our parish. Hell I am a Deacon in the Presbyterian Church in large part BECAUSE of this church's prioritization of social justtice needs, including race issues. Check it out- CONFRONTING RACISM is part of the call of this church https://thepresbytery.org/mission-highlights/being-missional-pastoral-prophetic/ I belong to a church with a current LGBTQ pastor! She is a gay woman who is married to another gay minister and they are both wonderful leaders. THOSE Are the issues MOST important to me along with standing up for rights of disabled. I mean that is the fucking CORE OF WHO I AM. So if someone is not aligned with those core values- Can they really be in LOVE WITH ME?? I MEAN they are WHO I AM. I do not expect that I must have agreement on every issue. But there has to be baseline of understanding of ME to beleive one LOVES ME. If there is not alignment on the main core values that are most important to me I question one loves me and think the guy really is just loving having some great sex and is being motivated by his physical needs. That will die soon enough and if there is no foundation much deeper there is no hope for a long term relationship that will stand the test of time. The problem I see with Art is he wants commitment before developing the foundation of the relationship, before allowing the unpeeling of the layers of a person, before he KNOWS and LOVES the person fully and before the person can learn who he is an know and love HIM fully. Long term relationships don't become commited and solid overnight. YOu can't expect your date to be your partner and there as they would be in marriage when you are only dating a few months! AND you HAVE TO DO THE WORK to get to know the person and to build the FOUNDATION of the relationship- which is indeed TRUST, COMMUNICATION and YES LOVE. But that can't be demanded. It has to be OFFERED and given. I don't read him as having offered TRUST to me. I don't see him as having felt trust. I feel like he was frustrated things were not solid and he was not seeing the manifestation of a commitment which can't possibly exist in a nascent relationship. HE WAS NOT COMMITTED TO DOING THE WORK TO BUILD IT. That is the truth. You have to do the WORK to build a relationship with commitment. That requires TEMPERENCE and also dating requires actual courtship Taking out on actual dates! Surprise, surprise! If you don't plan dates ahead of time, with commitment , and try to do things last minute fly by night and expect a lover to just come into your space to meet your physical needs- the message you are senidng is that YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF COMMITMENT! That is fear of commitment to scheduling plans ahead of time! I think it so funny as me carving out time for myself was also about me expecting him to PLAN AHEAD and I did articulate that. I did say - PLAN AHEAD , make a date AHEAD of time and not assume last minute. I don't think he even heard that. I think that request got completely Lost on him. YET I planned ahead and asked him ahead of time to be My date to events. Other than going to breakfast- last minute- day of; Art never planned a date. He has not taken me out. Anytime we did anything it was my initiation. [Except the spending time at his place and the one time he took me to a family event at his sister's] He seems to be oblivious to that. I think it really funny also as he talks of wanting marriage yet all I see BEHAVIOR wise is fear of commitment and AVOIDANCE of responsbility. I am not seeing long term partner potential. I don't see FOLLOW through on ideas. I don't see ACTION and any sense of PURPOSE and planning to meet goals. I see a man who has been coasting and adrift and who is exceptionally talented and unuieuely gifted who has not embraced his passion with any sense of purpose. He has spurts of creativity and he DID have work with purpose that he found fulfilling in the past. That is why I was willing to date him- as he DID that for some years. But now he is searching. He has been stagnant and is in searching mode to find out his next thing. A relationship is not the way to find that. One has to find that in oneself! A relationship can be naviaged while one grows into self if you have a healthy partner supporting your growth I was happy to do that BUT NOT if he could not support MY growth as well! That is essentially the deal breaker for me. Controlling behavior thwarts both my ability to thrive individually as well as immediately KILLS any possibilty of a relationship. It was a quick way to end it; before it had time to even germinate roots and start growing. But at least it did not escalate to violence. Art may be in denial but he already shared with me that both his past long term relationships DID end with violence. The first he was the recipient of it as well as actor of it. The most recent it was other family members who became violent as well, in the family system he was in of his partner- but then he exhibited angry violence and her last words were "I am not going to be abused" as she walked out the door. He said "If you leave, don't come back." He did share that with me over the past few months. LADIES you have to listen to what men share about their past. If they disparage their Ex it is a huge red flag they will have similar view of you too once the early falling in love phase ends. If they have jealousy issues, or say they think the ex was not faithful, they will most often have those same issues in relationship with you. These are internal things one has to address themself and until they do so intentionally and honsetly- if they dont the only possible outcome is for anger out of fear to grow and eventually for violence to bubble up. AS no one can stop a cycle of violence but for one who recognizes they learned such violence and wills to stop repeating it. So once you see it present. There really is only one response. LEAVE I really believe that. I didn't used to. Its perhaps sad to have lost faith that there is much hope for women in situations where their partner gets angry and agressive. But I think it the truth. Unless an abuser WANTS to change, it is not possible; and WHEN an abuser wants to change it may be possible but damn hard and more often than not there will be relapses. Such persons can come a long way and have better relationships at some point- but I can't believe those are ever abuse free. Some love enough to chose to stand by one undergoing such change with faith the relapse won't harm them and resiliancy to love their beloved through it. But they do accept a certain level of abuse. maybe not often, but once in a while at the least, that they judge they can handle. I am not one of them anymore. I used to be, but not anymore.

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