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2022-06-28 - 8:44 p.m. $50 no show fee cause I missed therapy. Ce la vie ADHD is expensive and that is something I have known for a long time. I rescheduled for tomorrow morning as my therapist is then on vacation for two weeks so I really do want to have a session with her. Glad she had one spot opened. I hope it is enough to help and don't need to call my Psychiatrist but honestly if I am not feeling better in one more week I WILL go to my Dr. again and get some pharmacutical help. and once triggered
SO I can't say did not see this coming. In fact I GET it that when not given attention one wonders if still loved! AFTER a layoff it is the same fear of being rejected, sort of Layoff PTSD that when work gets slow there is a fear of not being valued and needed in a job and fear of stability of work. I just really need to succeed at business development as need more work. BUT I can't imagine working full time just now at all. I need to rest, go to sleep early, and start exercising regularly I actually should just schedule an appointment and not bother waiting another week as not sure if anything can re-set the overactive system once I am in hypervigilant state. The thing I don't like is the persistant feeling of being in this state. IT is not the SAME as a panic attack but it is really close. I honestly have not felt this bad in YEARS That time when my boss loved me and my work (I even won a damn award one month before being fired); but there was tension from the post merger/acquisition , an outsourcing project I supported for EIGHT Months for my company came to an end. and work was less, and the new gal in my same role absorbed by the merger was toxicly stirring up trouble talking shit about my boss... and creating an unhealthy climate... but then UPPER management was going through motions to prune the company... obviously... so we all knew firings were coming.... I KNOW IT and my whole body goes into fight or flight mode. I KNOW I should just job hunt and find the next thing. This is different as I PLANNED on the new company having more clients - so I don't WANT a full time job HECK 3 to 4 appointments a week WItHOUT them in therapy.... just to deal with the physical medical but honestly I wanted them to take care of all physical needs/issues and then see if some of the depression resolved. The low level kinda BLAH not being motivated kinda depression Its been a long time. I tried to get both in therapy in the past, but they resisted- and honestly just getting the physical testing done for POTS and then treating allergys and specialists for MCAS testing, etc... there are articles out there on that. Because after some illness that affects autoimmune, with inflammation , there often is then depression. They seem related to me. I have never felt traditional depression, as in down depressive moments EVER but for short term after some clear catalyst. For me I am fortunate my issues are more this anxiety and paranoia in the down cycle, and if not taking care of my body can be full of unnatural energy in that hypomanic state. Thankful not feeling that hypomania AT ALL. Just anxiety, very reality based fears but the problem is those are triggers then do lead me to have moments of being more cautious and hypervigilant and I am concerned then start to feel paranoid. Although I have not had any weird moments thankfully- other than the pressure in chest and anxiety feeling. No bizarre moments of thinking I am going to be fired and "hearing" a whole conference call about that! THAT DID HAPPEN A GOOD 10 or so years ago!! That was a real psycotic episode. I don't want to EVER experience that again. Glad it was only a couple of times-- I think the recent finding of the writing of that time. SNAP I just realized this- BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR DAMN I heard a GREAT podcast in which a young man captured his own psycotic break and bipolar episode. It was really well done! SHIT Let me take that back... I don't know if the writing through it helps anyone else but I think it does but EVEN IF I could in some grand.. yes actual grand moment of brilliant grandiosity create the most MOVING and REAL and IMPACTFUL WRITING that would help others feel less alone , have greater understanding EVEN IF I could be the most persuasive writer EVER to CHANGE THE WORLD CHANGE the STIGMA I would not CHOOSE To have a psychotic episode!! I would rather remain an unknown who writes JUST FOR ME What fucking sucks most of all is that the fears are not unreal. Was not accepting me leaving in a normal manner. He got abusive and manipulative and controlling. I just found this TWITTER feed in which a lady asked " Have many women experienced hetero men whiney and childish and cajoling and not taking no for an answer when you don't want to have sex with them?" YES How could I have fucking FORGOTTON That and then gotten involved with him? I think finding the damn writing of what happened in the past- I MEAN I found those old emails capturing stuff I literally had forgotten ( way back when I left my husband and then there was all sorts of crazy controlling behavior he engaged in, and acts of violence I honestly had forgotten. Reading the state of mind I was in was really sad and I suppose stirred up some things I had not delt with) , so yes those emails found WERE in fact triggering, then spending time with Art and HIM doing that same bullshit So happy to have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I will call the Psyciatrist tomorrow as well as it just occurred to me it might be some time before I can even get an appointment with her. Sooner the better so I can focus on my work. I did work really hard tonight actually tweaking some things on my website myself. Yesterday I spent reading EVERY decision of the VA BAR regarding Professional Ethics on the topic of unauthorized practice of law. I think I am going to re-read ALL those deciciions one more time- skim them all and carefully re-read the few that are relevant to me to the work I do. I needed to update my website also as the email associated is one I don't have access to, so I updated it to one I do use regularly (My hosting provider had issued me an email that I don't use and don't know how to log into! It is easier for me to use my business email but for some reason the invite to confirm email NEVER was received by my business email! SO FINALLY I used an email I use for personal use to be the one leads from the web site go to. NOT OPTIMAL but I did have to fix the issue so I GET leads if I am going to generate any work from web traffic. I also set up google analytics. I was surprised my web designer did not turn that on. I also tweaked a few other things. I appreaciate the great work she did do!! She did an awesome job. I just wanted a few further changes to ensure it is REALLY CLEAR I AM NOT A LAWYER. At least the work I do has a professional organization and there are credentials and accreddiations and clear work that is business operation normal course of business stuff I can do with my skill set! Unlike working with immigrants, there was no wayto do that kind of paralegal work WITHOUT a supervising attorney! That was impossible to make a viable consulting business. I had SO MANY People contact me or sometimes just show up where I lived as I had helped one lady when I had a supervising attorney so the word got out! I had so much work I could not take that I referred to a random lawyer ( the only one in the phone book at the time), 40 minutes east of me after the last attorney I worked with got divorced and moved from my town!! DAMN That was 20plus years ago now. Heck I had a good run... did good work... interned at one of our highest courts. I had a nice work situation with a supervising attorney ( two actually- one then another) and did good work along with them for a bit. THiS NEW business WILL be successful as the difference is I have 20 years of experience now from when I shifted from immigration work to support of businesses. I will be able to ROCK this company and rain make enough business to support this household PROVIDED I am healthy. Which I KNOW I can be. I know the formula that results in my good mental health. It includes NOT OVERWORKING , adeqate sleep, hydration and exercise, and a healthy diet without too much sugar or carbs. It is not a hard formula to get down with dicipline! I DO have little trouble with developing healthy sleep and eating habits. Exercise is harder but I do alright! I have the Zumba class to go to twice a week now. That will help. I am just going to go and will have a chat with my friend that teaches and for once in my life ask for help. I will ask him if I can show up and pay him later when money comes in. I NEVER like to ask for help. There is often a cost associated , some return that the person wants. That sadly is how I feel - So hey I just realized I DID tackle items on my to do today I wrote the other day! YEAH almost... I need to put in a help desk tix as for some reason the site is not allowing me to change the associated email with my business web site. It is with some assigned email and the change to my personal email ALSO did not work. The autogenerated email I am suppose to click to APPROVE the associated email update did not arrive there either! I thought that would solve the problem. My lead generator is not working on my website. If anyone interested in my services puts in their info it is supposed to send me an email. This is not the fault of the code and the programmer who designed my site. Its that the site has this funky email address I never used that I presume the hosting site assigned... AT LEAST I Got some done tonight. 1.Therapy I have had that part time job for over six years now. The kitchen manager has asked me no less than half a dozen time... maybe that many times over each year more like it! HA HA ... if they were old enough to work yet... when were they going to come work for him in the kitchen as he always needs help !! SO, as I told her today- She said "I don't need it" I Said "YES YOU DO... for starters YOU HAVE AN ADHD BiPOLAR Mother and that alone is enough of a reason to need therapy!" (YES I know I have lost my keys and been late to drop off or pick up kids, had trouble leaving work on time cause obsessing to get things done to completion... and at times FORGET commitments-so it is a very real stressor that I am not the perfect parent.) YUP as a young mother both my parents and my husband's parents (2nd hubby) were of the belief don't jump to soothe the infant as the baby will figure out how to fall asleep. TRUE I DID respond to my son all the time as he had colic... well really was lactose intolerence so had awful pain; but point being he was not to be ignored. So even though he was in distress he was being HELD and SOOTHED but he had trauma later too.. Sure I was very attentive most of the time! ( When they were awake as babies!) So I said- So will see if she will go or not. But I have to try for her. The eating the salad she was vehement she would not; and going to the allergist she argued and said did not want to go to make me hopeful I can get her to go to therapy and somehow get a resume done. Needn't mention the other obvious trauma. There was SO MUCH. This youngest is the one I thought would be alright and spared cause I left when she was two. I left BEFORE age three so I figured one year of peace out of the first three years of life is better than zero! The oldest of my 2nd marriage didn't even get that one year of peace. Six to eight months... then the yelling became a norm. I left the first time when her father slapped her. Before that he had hit me and she cowered and hid and I dont' think he knew she was in the room. It turns out he had been hitting my oldest two and I had not been aware of it. I have to have faith that all things happen for a reason. OH NO not the hitting.. I am not thinking of that just now... I am thinking of this time I have for therapy. This job I have had which has been part time, and think that it will work out that I have enough income to continue to provide this safe home and this year of continued healing for the two recent grads who obviously still need to heal and grow before ready to move out into the world even to go to college. They will get there yet. The oldest one told me she did not apply because she was not sure she was going to be ablet o graduate. The moment it gets hot her POTS slide starts. More like once it is hot out she can not funciton. I mean literally. This is a very physical reality- and then again in the FALL there is always another with the season change and barometic pressure changes. Storm seasons are challenging. The body does not regulate well to dramatic weather changes when one has dysautonomia. BUT SHE DID NOT have any slide this Spring! Her health reamained stable ( albeit with POTS- but with care and getting rest and eating well she is OK!) She is not energetic by any means, but she is FUNCTIONING. She is showering regularly and out of bed and up every day! She is not bedridden and not able to function at all as she was for well over a year or two. POTS can be so debilitating that even getting out of bed to take a bath is overwealming, Showers are untenable- the water hurts the skin for some MCAS patients. Literally hurts! Today as I was in my office and not home my youngest had to walk to and from the Orthodontist. She told me she nearly fainted once she got there and had to sit and have someone get her water as she did have a POTS reaction to her rushing there. This is the kid who was in marching band so she had been getting regular exercise which I think HAS been good for her, She has not over the past few weeks and I know deconditioning does happen- but my kids don't want to try to get regular exercise no matter how much I encourage them.They have to figure it out on their own. This kid lived for marching band. It was what brought her joy and got her out of bed and back into the world and brought a smile to her face after a couple years of depression. So I hope she finds a college with a marching band or drum line ( she also played in that ) and goes off to school to be active and joyful and her health remains stable. These kids will be living with the chronic condition of POTS. It is a lifelong disabiluty for most that doesn't go away. It is genetic. The thing is I am SURE my mom and I are the carriers of the gene. I am sure my disagnosie of idipathic hypersominia that I received years ago, was related to POTS. My excessive tiredness, and neuropothy, and cold extremeties, and mental fogginess that would happen... My health got better when I started intensely running. It was the training for a marathon that I swear somehow re-set my whole system. The dysautonomia symptoms subsided. So my kids will figure out what works for them in time as I can not force them to try anything. But I have suggested Aquatherapy- PT in a pool, as there are some with POTS who have been helped by that. As for me, this is just a good reminder to get on a disciplined exercise regime. YES that has to be on my TO DO. ZUMBA 2X a week; Swimming 2X a week That would work great as I do want to keep my energy up, which ironically, exercise does for me. � � |
I decided Full time may be my best option now. Cause I am not going to pull from 401K!!! (UNLESS NO CHOICE) - 2022-06-30
%%older_entries%%Bedtime- I binged watched Greys Anatomy tonight ( OK two episodes only but that is a binge for me!) - 2022-06-29
%%older_entries%%YEAH fixed my web site issue for contacts! - 2022-06-29
%%older_entries%%Losing a job sucks - 2022-06-29
%%older_entries%%I am being fired. (Technically) but offered transition to 1099 - 2022-06-29
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