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2022-06-28 - 8:44 p.m.

$50 no show fee cause I missed therapy.

Ce la vie

ADHD is expensive and that is something I have known for a long time.

I rescheduled for tomorrow morning as my therapist is then on vacation for two weeks so I really do want to have a session with her. Glad she had one spot opened.

I hope it is enough to help and don't need to call my Psychiatrist but honestly if I am not feeling better in one more week I WILL go to my Dr. again and get some pharmacutical help.

and once triggered
I do have the symptom of feelings of paranoia.

It sucks as it is almost a self fulfilling prophecy when that happens! Having been let go in a job I swear once I get stressed one of the biggest stressors is the constant fear of being fired.
NOW since my boss has not been assigning much work to me
I mean that is the telltale sign someone is going to let you go.

SO I can't say did not see this coming.

In fact I GET it that when not given attention one wonders if still loved!

AFTER a layoff it is the same fear of being rejected, sort of Layoff PTSD that when work gets slow there is a fear of not being valued and needed in a job and fear of stability of work.
Lesson learned-
I will negotiate for a fixed price for work over a block of time rather than paid by the hour when I can get that in consulting work.

I just really need to succeed at business development as need more work. BUT I can't imagine working full time just now at all. I need to rest, go to sleep early, and start exercising regularly
and go to therapy and handle these triggers
and likely see my Dr. Again as well.

I actually should just schedule an appointment and not bother waiting another week as not sure if anything can re-set the overactive system once I am in hypervigilant state.

The thing I don't like is the persistant feeling of being in this state. IT is not the SAME as a panic attack but it is really close.

I honestly have not felt this bad in YEARS
SINCE the LAST time I knew my job was vulnerable.

That time when my boss loved me and my work (I even won a damn award one month before being fired); but there was tension from the post merger/acquisition , an outsourcing project I supported for EIGHT Months for my company came to an end. and work was less, and the new gal in my same role absorbed by the merger was toxicly stirring up trouble talking shit about my boss... and creating an unhealthy climate... but then UPPER management was going through motions to prune the company... obviously... so we all knew firings were coming....
IT was very predictable and when I see stuff like that coming

I KNOW IT and my whole body goes into fight or flight mode.

I KNOW I should just job hunt and find the next thing.

This is different as I PLANNED on the new company having more clients - so I don't WANT a full time job
I want to be able to support the kids and myself and take time for therapy for me and I also think the two that just graduated should go through that now as well.

HECK 3 to 4 appointments a week WItHOUT them in therapy.... just to deal with the physical medical

but honestly I wanted them to take care of all physical needs/issues and then see if some of the depression resolved. The low level kinda BLAH not being motivated kinda depression
of not being engaged and excited about anything
that my two teens have been in a funk of for the past FEW years.

Its been a long time.

I tried to get both in therapy in the past, but they resisted- and honestly just getting the physical testing done for POTS and then treating allergys and specialists for MCAS testing, etc...
all just took so much that I felt like I could only handle SOME things at one time. So I kinda triaged
Physical first.
Hoping some of the mental health issues were informed by physical ailments that if treated would reduce inflammation and ALSO help mental health.
I do have a theory SOME mental illness is inflammation related-

there are articles out there on that.

Because after some illness that affects autoimmune, with inflammation , there often is then depression. They seem related to me.

I have never felt traditional depression, as in down depressive moments EVER but for short term after some clear catalyst.
Like after a break up.

For me I am fortunate my issues are more this anxiety and paranoia in the down cycle, and if not taking care of my body can be full of unnatural energy in that hypomanic state.

Thankful not feeling that hypomania AT ALL. Just anxiety, very reality based fears but the problem is those are triggers then do lead me to have moments of being more cautious and hypervigilant and I am concerned then start to feel paranoid.

Although I have not had any weird moments thankfully- other than the pressure in chest and anxiety feeling. No bizarre moments of thinking I am going to be fired and "hearing" a whole conference call about that!

THAT DID HAPPEN A GOOD 10 or so years ago!! That was a real psycotic episode. I don't want to EVER experience that again.

Glad it was only a couple of times--

I think the recent finding of the writing of that time. SNAP I just realized this-


DAMN I heard a GREAT podcast in which a young man captured his own psycotic break and bipolar episode.

It was really well done!
and I so enjoyed it and WISHED I had somehow saved the writing I did as I HAD to write to work though the moments I was having ten years ago!!

SHIT Let me take that back...
I DO NOT want to capture a psychotic episode!! I don't EVER want to experience one again.

I don't know if the writing through it helps anyone else but I think it does but EVEN IF I could in some grand.. yes actual grand moment of brilliant grandiosity create the most MOVING and REAL and IMPACTFUL WRITING that would help others feel less alone , have greater understanding
and feel like there is empathy out there and many who apprechiate that moments of mentally being unwell

EVEN IF I could be the most persuasive writer EVER to CHANGE THE WORLD


I would not CHOOSE To have a psychotic episode!! I would rather remain an unknown who writes JUST FOR ME
that even the most brillant writer and go through that
our of fear of course
that next time it would be worse
WOULD NOT be mild...
would not be of the nature that I could *See Myself* as if from afar in a disassociative state I suppose, but at the same time be able to CLEARLY identify
"Those thought are intrusive and not reality based and a manifestation of being ill just now"
THEY ARE UNREAL FEARS so don't subscribe to them or give them weight...
just go to sleep and rest and see the Dr for care....

What fucking sucks most of all is that the fears are not unreal.
YET so many want to victim blame and shame.
I mean I am in this state of terror
state of hypervigilance because of very recent actions of a very real man who was not accepting my NO.

Was not accepting me leaving in a normal manner.

He got abusive and manipulative and controlling.

I just found this TWITTER feed in which a lady asked

" Have many women experienced hetero men whiney and childish and cajoling and not taking no for an answer when you don't want to have sex with them?"

That is really what the control has ALWAYS been about when it comes to Art.

How could I have fucking FORGOTTON That and then gotten involved with him?
Cause our chemistry was always really good? DAMN that is powerful I suppose and that just stinks that the pull of that physicality and compatibilty would be so strong to overlook abusive communication and actions. No.. I think for me it is his spiritual nature which I don't want to discount- as that is a real part of him.That was what most attracted me to him, and how his spiritual beliefs are captured in his art.But hell after the recent experience I miss the atheist who treated me well. Ironic the one guy I said no to marriage to- wasn't someone I wanted to marry because he was atheist! I didn't think I would feel fulfilled if my partner did not share the same faith in some respect! I said no becuase he was atheist and because there was not strong chemistry and I had not fallen for him. So I fell for Art who is deeply spiritual yet deeply flawed in his relationship/communication skills and definately has family trauma that is generational and ingrained in him I believe.

I think finding the damn writing of what happened in the past- I MEAN I found those old emails capturing stuff I literally had forgotten ( way back when I left my husband and then there was all sorts of crazy controlling behavior he engaged in, and acts of violence I honestly had forgotten. Reading the state of mind I was in was really sad and I suppose stirred up some things I had not delt with) , so yes those emails found WERE in fact triggering, then spending time with Art and HIM doing that same bullshit
of getting angry when I was ready to go home AFTER SPENDING ALL DAY WITH HIM was undoubtedly triggering ( along with his other jealous and manipulative childish comments worrying about other men in my world).

So happy to have a therapy appointment tomorrow.
Going to bed now as a good night sleep will help much.

I will call the Psyciatrist tomorrow as well as it just occurred to me it might be some time before I can even get an appointment with her.
I will see her as soon as I can.
and I am feeling like medication is needed.Not going to wait til on the brink.... severe anxiety and this hypervigilant state I am in are good enough reason to see her and get a new prescription for the medication I KNOW works for me.

Sooner the better so I can focus on my work.

I did work really hard tonight actually tweaking some things on my website myself.
I needed to remove any reference to "legal" and switch that to "business".

Yesterday I spent reading EVERY decision of the VA BAR regarding Professional Ethics on the topic of unauthorized practice of law.
NON LAWYERS may NOT give legal advise and decisions have spelled out what that constitutes.

I think I am going to re-read ALL those deciciions one more time- skim them all and carefully re-read the few that are relevant to me to the work I do.

I needed to update my website also as the email associated is one I don't have access to, so I updated it to one I do use regularly (My hosting provider had issued me an email that I don't use and don't know how to log into! It is easier for me to use my business email but for some reason the invite to confirm email NEVER was received by my business email! SO FINALLY I used an email I use for personal use to be the one leads from the web site go to. NOT OPTIMAL but I did have to fix the issue so I GET leads if I am going to generate any work from web traffic.

I also set up google analytics. I was surprised my web designer did not turn that on. I also tweaked a few other things.

I appreaciate the great work she did do!! She did an awesome job. I just wanted a few further changes to ensure it is REALLY CLEAR I AM NOT A LAWYER.

At least the work I do has a professional organization and there are credentials and accreddiations and clear work that is business operation normal course of business stuff I can do with my skill set!

Unlike working with immigrants, there was no wayto do that kind of paralegal work WITHOUT a supervising attorney! That was impossible to make a viable consulting business. I had SO MANY People contact me or sometimes just show up where I lived as I had helped one lady when I had a supervising attorney so the word got out! I had so much work I could not take that I referred to a random lawyer ( the only one in the phone book at the time), 40 minutes east of me after the last attorney I worked with got divorced and moved from my town!! DAMN That was 20plus years ago now.

Heck I had a good run... did good work... interned at one of our highest courts. I had a nice work situation with a supervising attorney ( two actually- one then another) and did good work along with them for a bit.
BUT it was not enough to live off of! NOT enough to provide for my family.

THiS NEW business WILL be successful as the difference is I have 20 years of experience now from when I shifted from immigration work to support of businesses.

I will be able to ROCK this company and rain make enough business to support this household

PROVIDED I am healthy.

Which I KNOW I can be.

I know the formula that results in my good mental health. It includes NOT OVERWORKING , adeqate sleep, hydration and exercise, and a healthy diet without too much sugar or carbs.

It is not a hard formula to get down with dicipline! I DO have little trouble with developing healthy sleep and eating habits. Exercise is harder but I do alright!

I have the Zumba class to go to twice a week now. That will help. I am just going to go and will have a chat with my friend that teaches and for once in my life ask for help. I will ask him if I can show up and pay him later when money comes in.

I NEVER like to ask for help. There is often a cost associated , some return that the person wants. That sadly is how I feel -
my kids feel the same way I know. I think it is a result of abuse.When the one who was in the role of provider acted like it was a burden and ignored needs, one learns to not trust there is anyone who could ever provide ones need but themself.
It is the only thing that feels SAFE.

So hey I just realized I DID tackle items on my to do today I wrote the other day! YEAH

almost... I need to put in a help desk tix as for some reason the site is not allowing me to change the associated email with my business web site. It is with some assigned email and the change to my personal email ALSO did not work. The autogenerated email I am suppose to click to APPROVE the associated email update did not arrive there either! I thought that would solve the problem. My lead generator is not working on my website. If anyone interested in my services puts in their info it is supposed to send me an email. This is not the fault of the code and the programmer who designed my site. Its that the site has this funky email address I never used that I presume the hosting site assigned...
and I have to figure out how to get into it as the site is NOT changing the email! My web designer DID put in the change weeks ago when she discoverd the problem and when I went into the site today it said new email "pending" and showed my business email ( where I wanted business leads to go!). So she did her part.
There is some issue with the site itself-
so a help desk call in order tomorrow.

AT LEAST I Got some done tonight.
Tomorrow is another day- and for tomorrow's to do:

2. SCHEDULE Psychiatrist appt ( Why feel unwell when there is medication that can be taken that improves well being ? ...and also keep me from losing it...I will not descend into paranoia! Nothing to be afraid of as I have provided for my family thus far and will continue to do so!)
3.ENT appt for one kid ( the one who said did not want to go to therapy and said "The only Dr. I want to see is an ENT." This kid likely has a deviated septum which her Dad has too, which affects breathing, and contributes to snoring and likely also sleep apnea... not wonder they are all cranky and depressive... if you don't get sleep that will happen. See... this is why trying to take care of ALL PHYSICAL stuff before medication from psychiatry... as long as a mental health issue it is not critical that is. For me mine is now critical...)
4. SCHEDULE THERAPY APPT FOR KID ( The fact my kid ate salad multiple nights I placed it before her over the past three weeks- I mean we had FIVE heads of lettuce to use and beggers can't be choosers... so the kids ate salad; let me know to at times IGNORE protestations , even of the 18 yr old, as she is a bit emotionally immature and she will comply when I make it NOT optional and likely get something good out of it. She is still complaining EVERY TIME I take her to the allergist! YET she goes....and actually I am not hearing her sneezing or noticing runny nose and non stop allergy symptoms in her like we are all used to as her normal come to think of it!), so hopefully she will GO to therapy if I find a therapist available. (On line might be best option just now!)
5. Talk to OTHER kid ( older almost adulting one) about therapy. This kid said they WANTED to go... some months ago...and did go to a counselor and a psyciatrist last year. But they need a regular ongoing therapist that is not in DC now as our health insurance did not cover that one and she was too dang far away anyway. The kid doing really well, just graduated and is in better spirits overall I think than the youngest just now interestingly. Still physically exhausted but doesn't seem depressed. Happy to cook and bake and engages with siblings and me more than they had in the past which is good. A friend occassional comes over and my kid occassionally goes to best friends house too so that is nice. Challenge of very fixed thinking " I need car to get a job. You are not reliable, I can't rely on you." I said "Take the bus. And you CAN rely on me! Hell for years I have gotten to work and back and during some of those years I took the bus. Look for a night job and you can borrow my car. It makes NO SENSE to buy a car until you save money and can afford one. It also makes no sense to throw money away on a car if there is alternative transportation and we live so close to the bus line! Fixed thinking that any exercise is not tenable is also a problem so this kid thinks most jobs would be too physically demanding with their POTS. (True.... to be honest that MANY jobs may be too taxing and cause health to be worse but this kid has to LOOK to find what is out there and then there is hope to find a good fit they can do well without it causing POTS Flares! POTs flares are a very real thing... but my older two with POTS who work have learned to manage them and still work. It is not easy but the "I Can't" is I think as debilitating as the acutal dysautonomia frankly in some.
6. PROD kid to get resume. The youngest who says wants a job- and in particular wants to work at the retirement community I work at. There was a job fair last weekend so I said get on it! Get a resume together and give it to me- even just emailed soft copy; as I can't apply for you! YOU NEED To take inititive and get it done cause the jobs will be filled soon enough and you will be out of luck if you KEEP procrastinating!!! I am afraid this kid assumed that job was theirs- but it will likely be filled this week, So if they want to work they best move immediately of their life will not get much better any time soon!!! I think once in a job my kids perspective will shift as there is something great about the first time you work and earn your own money to save for your own goals. My kid DOES want to go to college and wants to work and save for a year then apply ( so she says).

I have had that part time job for over six years now.
The first three I brought my kids with me WHENEVER I could so they could volunteer playing games and keeping some of the older folks company.
The management loved that as they were older and really well behaved and good company.
Pre-teens, and happy and sociable and engaged with the older folks ( except my one kid who is the autistic one who would have headphones on doing their own thing). I always had them bring homework and do their school work and then play games. My one older one would sing and read poetry at snack time. That one was really into it then! Some of the residents STILL ask about them, one in particular asks about my youngest ALL THE TIME as she played many a game of Rummycube with him.

The kitchen manager has asked me no less than half a dozen time... maybe that many times over each year more like it! HA HA ... if they were old enough to work yet... when were they going to come work for him in the kitchen as he always needs help !!
He just hired three new staff in the past month!
My kid seriously better move on it! OR she will have to hustle and find something else. She doesn't have much hustle... even this is hard for her... just like how she never finished the college application for the school she said she wanted to go to.

SO, as I told her today-
I think she and her older sibling should BOTH take this gap year to go to therapy and unpack some of the trauma and crazy experiences that they have had.

She said "I don't need it"

I Said "YES YOU DO... for starters YOU HAVE AN ADHD BiPOLAR Mother and that alone is enough of a reason to need therapy!" (YES I know I have lost my keys and been late to drop off or pick up kids, had trouble leaving work on time cause obsessing to get things done to completion... and at times FORGET commitments-so it is a very real stressor that I am not the perfect parent.)
I then also mentioned that she should read attachment theory stuff as she has every reason based on her upbringing and HOW WE RAISED HER... based on how my older parents, and my husbands older parents raised us ( We both had parents ten years older than our peers... so a true generational difference to be honest in parenting!); and our parents had not yet gotten the memo that you really shouldn't be so PROUD that your baby sleeps solid through the night because you taught the infant to self soothe
cause you left the child in the crib to cry.

YUP as a young mother both my parents and my husband's parents (2nd hubby) were of the belief don't jump to soothe the infant as the baby will figure out how to fall asleep.

babies DO figure that out
and then they sleep through the night
BUT they also have been trained to be self reliant, to ignore their body signals for hunger, and learn no one is going to come to help them to feel secure and safe...they should do so themselves...
and there are studies on this... how it affects attachment to parents, and others throughout life!

I DID respond to my son all the time as he had colic... well really was lactose intolerence so had awful pain; but point being he was not to be ignored. So even though he was in distress he was being HELD and SOOTHED
so interestingly I think that he fared better than the others....

but he had trauma later too..
but that is where the first trauma begins AS AN INFANT

Sure I was very attentive most of the time! ( When they were awake as babies!)
but still...
that was all I mentioned to my kid. That everyone has issues to heal from where we parents did our best but unknowingly at the time fucked up.

So I said-
"You seem very avoidant. You don't get things done you say you want to get done and I think therapy would be very helpful to you."

So will see if she will go or not. But I have to try for her. The eating the salad she was vehement she would not; and going to the allergist she argued and said did not want to go to make me hopeful I can get her to go to therapy and somehow get a resume done.
I offered to help her if she needs it. I can find a template and send her one-Give some tools.

Needn't mention the other obvious trauma. There was SO MUCH. This youngest is the one I thought would be alright and spared cause I left when she was two. I left BEFORE age three so I figured one year of peace out of the first three years of life is better than zero!

The oldest of my 2nd marriage didn't even get that one year of peace. Six to eight months... then the yelling became a norm.
I had a memory of that little girl with her long golden ringlets hiding behind the couch in the living room when her father was raging. The image came to me when watching MAID which depicted the hiding spot of a child.
I remember sittting in marriage counseling and telling the marriage counselor of the moment; when the oldest little girl of ours was hiding..

I left the first time when her father slapped her. Before that he had hit me and she cowered and hid and I dont' think he knew she was in the room.
I wonder why it wasn't enough for me to leave; why I only left at the point at which I saw him hit her.

It turns out he had been hitting my oldest two and I had not been aware of it.

I have to have faith that all things happen for a reason. OH NO not the hitting.. I am not thinking of that just now... I am thinking of this time I have for therapy. This job I have had which has been part time, and think that it will work out that I have enough income to continue to provide this safe home and this year of continued healing for the two recent grads who obviously still need to heal and grow before ready to move out into the world even to go to college. They will get there yet.

The oldest one told me she did not apply because she was not sure she was going to be ablet o graduate. The moment it gets hot her POTS slide starts. More like once it is hot out she can not funciton. I mean literally. This is a very physical reality- and then again in the FALL there is always another with the season change and barometic pressure changes. Storm seasons are challenging. The body does not regulate well to dramatic weather changes when one has dysautonomia.

BUT SHE DID NOT have any slide this Spring! Her health reamained stable ( albeit with POTS- but with care and getting rest and eating well she is OK!) She is not energetic by any means, but she is FUNCTIONING. She is showering regularly and out of bed and up every day! She is not bedridden and not able to function at all as she was for well over a year or two. POTS can be so debilitating that even getting out of bed to take a bath is overwealming, Showers are untenable- the water hurts the skin for some MCAS patients. Literally hurts!
So I am grateful that this kid is well and not so chronically ill as had been. I am grateful they have graduated and are hopeful and DO aspire to go on to college.

Today as I was in my office and not home my youngest had to walk to and from the Orthodontist. She told me she nearly fainted once she got there and had to sit and have someone get her water as she did have a POTS reaction to her rushing there. This is the kid who was in marching band so she had been getting regular exercise which I think HAS been good for her, She has not over the past few weeks and I know deconditioning does happen- but my kids don't want to try to get regular exercise no matter how much I encourage them.They have to figure it out on their own. This kid lived for marching band. It was what brought her joy and got her out of bed and back into the world and brought a smile to her face after a couple years of depression. So I hope she finds a college with a marching band or drum line ( she also played in that ) and goes off to school to be active and joyful and her health remains stable.

These kids will be living with the chronic condition of POTS. It is a lifelong disabiluty for most that doesn't go away. It is genetic. The thing is I am SURE my mom and I are the carriers of the gene. I am sure my disagnosie of idipathic hypersominia that I received years ago, was related to POTS. My excessive tiredness, and neuropothy, and cold extremeties, and mental fogginess that would happen...
all the same symptoms of POTS
that my mother ALSO had . She had the common accompnaying migranes and chronic fatigue.

My health got better when I started intensely running. It was the training for a marathon that I swear somehow re-set my whole system. The dysautonomia symptoms subsided.

So my kids will figure out what works for them in time as I can not force them to try anything. But I have suggested Aquatherapy- PT in a pool, as there are some with POTS who have been helped by that.

As for me, this is just a good reminder to get on a disciplined exercise regime. YES that has to be on my TO DO.

ZUMBA 2X a week; Swimming 2X a week

That would work great as I do want to keep my energy up, which ironically, exercise does for me.

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