2022-06-29 - 11:36 a.m.
No therapy today.
The job that is winding down.
So she said they discussed and want to transition me to a 1099 with my company.
I had intially wanted that to be the terms of work.
I tried to negotiate that but they felt for the role and work I was doing more approritate to be employee.
Truth is I am not the type to be nitpicking and legalistic and look to screw people.
FACT I WANTED part time so I could manage all the health needs of this family.
(My health needs at the time were few- I was quiet stable. I FELT quiet good. FUNNY that the only time I had any issue was when we had our company PARTY.
NO I KNOW
I had an actual stress moment sorta panic at NOT FINISHING A TASK
I mean it was the very end of a negotiation of an important deal and I did not want to show up to the PARTY til the work was DONE
I reviewed ALL the proposals and edited for most sound business language addressing any possible hmm *legal* ( yes can dispense advise on business legal issues in ordinary course of business if you are an SME and hold a JD AS LONG as it is no legal advise of any litigation matters or other legal ACTIONS... but just limited to business , ordinary business issues.... AND A liscenced attorney *technically* reviewed my work... ha ha ... although I was the first line reviewer of the work of the three attorneys from an outsourcing group in INDIA who sent me their deliverables to arrive in my inbox every AM. HA HA I assigned them work and reviewed it and THEN the corporate counsel signed off... YEAH ALL INTERNAL BUSINESS MATTERS... or negotiation over business agreements. I stay in my lane)
But I digress--- the OCD like WORKAHOLISM triggered by some panic at not doing something well enough, on time , or to satisfaction
From back in the day when I had a boss somewhere that acted like EVERYTHING Was URGENT and had to be done RAPIDLY
* enough to make anyone get nervous and start making mistakes
OH I had such GREAT work environment for years... til that Director who hired me moved on... and then my immdiate boss got promoted elsewehre.....
and I reported to a Director who apparently resented me. ( Pretty sure I got her fav admin/legal assistant fired unknowingly; unintended by sending a work product I thoguht would HELP someone on their project! IT turned out that ADMIN was in that same working group the attorney I sent it to was leading and had been passing MY WORK off as her own. So that whole debacle... not even intentional... and I didn't even KNOW IT until later when that gal was fired and I WAS TASKED with cleaning out her desk...
OK Water under the bridge
BUT that was the most toxic of all being fired. Cause it was months of me knowing my work was good
Maybe I have never been capable of masking.
Maybe that is where I am wrong.
I was doing SO WELL at my job UNTIL
The stress of that one damn party.
To which I was late for.
about how she and co worker were on time.
And then I was nervous and had a foot in mouth moment OK TWO...
I know the DUMB things I said.
One was too loud and not appropriate to blurt out.
The boss was talking of his son's boyfriend who works for him. SMART GUY and of course he has the solid education needed.
YES hired by her then EX husband's company.
And you know I HONESTLY WAS TOUCHED by the actual CARE and COMPASSION and hell if you START a company - your own SMALL PRIVATE COMPANY
I have no problem with FAMILY OWNED
I made a too loud joke about "That is what I love about small companies; wonderful nepotism!"
BUT THE thing is I was NOT intending to be flippant or throw shade or express anything other than my ACTUAL DELIGHT at the care and compassion of this man who started his own company and uses it YES FOR GOOD IN THE WORLD
BUT ALSO FOR GOOD IN HIS FAMILY
I mean it was SO OPPOSITE my experience of MY divorce where my EX did anythign to THWART my professional success
and frankly was no lie- causing so much emptional harm to me.
BUT the blurt was of course cause I was overly anxious and should have been there on time
For God sake I was dressed and ready to go an hour early
But I was like
FUCK I should have GONE TO THE OFFICE and OFFERED TO HELP THE ADMIN CARRY STUFF and set up TWO HOURS EARLY
AND I think the only thing that made me kick into that mode was the fact at 9am I went to my guitar lesson
Just try to play guitar with a stright fitted knee length dress.
For a man who is your teacher ( cause I didn 't want to be late for the party!! I PLANNED on going FROM MY LESSON to the party!! which was at noon but was an hour drive away....so I was done with lesson at 10 and made the dumb mistake of loggin in to sign one damn thing that was due to be executed.)
MAYBE it is no really over?
The boss said very sincerely I think
That they talked it over and they want to help me out by offering work on an as needed basis through my new company.
Transition me to 1099 through my company.
She said "of course you have a consulting agreement ?"
Now the thing is I just hated being screwed by the last company when the did the BS of pretending it was performance based when it was not.
In this case I think there WAS Performance based issues
The quirky outburst
Then another-- at the table with VP Directors etc...
a Director announces he has a disability with specificity. I blurted "Oh you didn't need to tell us that" and it came out WRONG
it was because when my FRIENDS said that to ME when I disclosed my disability it made me feel better they all ALREADY KNEW and accepted me without judgement!
so it was like my brain said WHAT I FOUND assuring
Maybe I think about these moments too much and give too much weight,
BUT my social mess ups made me self consiouse then. And then my negotiation skills were greatly affected by a VERY REAL mysogonistic awful encounter with a dude who was rude to me.
What the hell
Maybe they saw my social media profile. Maybe it is not a good fit PERSONALLY as in a small company you have to really be able to gel...
Maybe I just talked too much, too openly and there is not a good fit as it is a very small company and YES in a small company you best all work well togther ( WE DO) but some prefer to LIKE EACH OTHER ( I like them but maybe they just never really warmed up to me).
I like, genuinely like the folks I am workign with.
I am not sensistive that they have different views from mine as they are really respectful and keep discussion of anything that could be diviseive just plain out of the workplace.
But for the one owner.. HA HA
But yes it is clear to me they are not on the liberal side of viewing the world as I am. I don't think any of them were crying tears over the overturn of Roe.
But for some reason I don't mind the guy who is so straighforward with no filer. He is so direct
But he likely is the one who doesn't want me to work for them.
Ce la vie.
Whatever. Its also been fun to work there and get to know them a bit.
I just wanted to be authentically myself so I DON"T Mask when I go into spaces. I feel like I am just too old for that level of insecurity. Because I KNOW I do a good job! I know I have added value.
I do think it was a kind and compassionate way of telling my I am fired.
Transition July 15th...
I am not going to present a consulting agreement until I get a termination letter.
I mean legally you have to TERMINATE and employee.
That is the sneaky shit
I asked "Is this optional? Because I do have the benefit of the 401K and if it is optional I would prefer to remain an employee."
She said no, we already discussed and decided July 15.
So I am being fired, techinically.
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