Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2022-06-29 - 11:36 a.m.

No therapy today.
Woke early and put in some work time for my job.

The job that is winding down.
My boss told me they want to help me out
I kinda love the compassion with which I am being fired.

So she said they discussed and want to transition me to a 1099 with my company.

I had intially wanted that to be the terms of work.

I tried to negotiate that but they felt for the role and work I was doing more approritate to be employee.


Truth is I am not the type to be nitpicking and legalistic and look to screw people.

I ended up being needed more than 20 hrs per week, The intial ask was to work part time with willingness to transisiton to full time in a few months- but i they were ok with me remaining part time when the surge did hit. BUT the surge they needed help with has ended and it is just clear the CFO chose NOT to transition more responsibilites to me that she manages.
So be it. I am not hurt if I am not the RIGHT FIT for her to want to work with and believe this small company SHOULD be able to hire who they want as it IS like a family! . I hoped to be part time and it it worked out perhaps pick up my own clients, and if I DID Get these kids launched into adulthood would have LOVED ToLATER then be full time there if I did not have all the medical issues to manage for my family and still chose to make a life her for myself in Virgina. I WANTED the freedom of being part time with flexibility and did not mind that I had to pick up health insurance AT ALL. IN fact considering the law currently- only plans sold on state markets are regulated. So only those plans purchased may not discriminate in health care for trans people and since have my trans kid on my healthcare better that I have a policy I bought on the open market which can not discriminate.

FACT I WANTED part time so I could manage all the health needs of this family.

(My health needs at the time were few- I was quiet stable. I FELT quiet good. FUNNY that the only time I had any issue was when we had our company PARTY.


that was the demise of this job.)

I had an actual stress moment sorta panic at NOT FINISHING A TASK

I mean it was the very end of a negotiation of an important deal and I did not want to show up to the PARTY til the work was DONE

The OCD of not being able to stop work kicked in.

SAME kinda thing that happened when I worked at a big telecom years ago and we were on strike so the pulled me to do strike duty but I then stayed up ALL NIGHT to work on proposal review
as that WAS MY JOB
my responsibility

I reviewed ALL the proposals and edited for most sound business language addressing any possible hmm *legal* ( yes can dispense advise on business legal issues in ordinary course of business if you are an SME and hold a JD AS LONG as it is no legal advise of any litigation matters or other legal ACTIONS... but just limited to business , ordinary business issues.... AND A liscenced attorney *technically* reviewed my work... ha ha ... although I was the first line reviewer of the work of the three attorneys from an outsourcing group in INDIA who sent me their deliverables to arrive in my inbox every AM. HA HA I assigned them work and reviewed it and THEN the corporate counsel signed off... YEAH ALL INTERNAL BUSINESS MATTERS... or negotiation over business agreements. I stay in my lane)

But I digress--- the OCD like WORKAHOLISM triggered by some panic at not doing something well enough, on time , or to satisfaction

From back in the day when I had a boss somewhere that acted like EVERYTHING Was URGENT and had to be done RAPIDLY

* enough to make anyone get nervous and start making mistakes

OH I had such GREAT work environment for years... til that Director who hired me moved on... and then my immdiate boss got promoted elsewehre.....

and I reported to a Director who apparently resented me. ( Pretty sure I got her fav admin/legal assistant fired unknowingly; unintended by sending a work product I thoguht would HELP someone on their project! IT turned out that ADMIN was in that same working group the attorney I sent it to was leading and had been passing MY WORK off as her own. So that whole debacle... not even intentional... and I didn't even KNOW IT until later when that gal was fired and I WAS TASKED with cleaning out her desk...
and there the story lay... and it was just there for me to see ( I Wasn't even being damn nosy... but the open end of year review opened to the page where that gal wrote of her work on the project I DID and the sign off from her then boss... who I did not mean to BOTH RAT OUT when I sent my actual WHOLE DAMN RFP REVIEW HANDBOOK
a whole freaking procedure handbook I worked on for months to create and draft

and this co worker was passing it off as hers.

OK Water under the bridge

BUT that was the most toxic of all being fired. Cause it was months of me knowing my work was good
BUT ALSO navigating the challenges of PTSD and serious mental health issues and THINKING I was masking them

Maybe I have never been capable of masking.

Maybe that is where I am wrong.

I was doing SO WELL at my job UNTIL

The stress of that one damn party.

To which I was late for.
My boss DID call me out on that.
BUT I didn't think it was going to be a deal breaker. She was mad at me.
She made some comment calling me out ....

about how she and co worker were on time.

And then I was nervous and had a foot in mouth moment OK TWO...

I know the DUMB things I said.

One was too loud and not appropriate to blurt out.

The boss was talking of his son's boyfriend who works for him. SMART GUY and of course he has the solid education needed.
But then a PM telling me the great story of how the owner of this company tasked him with working with the owner's EX WIFE to find work she could do and get her up to speed
and this amazing PM essentially MENTORED and WORKED WITH HER to get her up to speed so she could have a good job-

YES hired by her then EX husband's company.

And you know I HONESTLY WAS TOUCHED by the actual CARE and COMPASSION and hell if you START a company - your own SMALL PRIVATE COMPANY

I have no problem with FAMILY OWNED
or family run
and hiring family

I made a too loud joke about "That is what I love about small companies; wonderful nepotism!"

BUT THE thing is I was NOT intending to be flippant or throw shade or express anything other than my ACTUAL DELIGHT at the care and compassion of this man who started his own company and uses it YES FOR GOOD IN THE WORLD

and he CARES about the well being of his EX.

I mean it was SO OPPOSITE my experience of MY divorce where my EX did anythign to THWART my professional success

and frankly was no lie- causing so much emptional harm to me.

BUT the blurt was of course cause I was overly anxious and should have been there on time

For God sake I was dressed and ready to go an hour early

But I was like
What am I going to do if I show up an hour early??

rather than suddenly have a freaking panic attack and then ocd like compulsion to finish the task on my plate as if there was urgency and someone was going to DIE if I did not do it.

That crazy imposter syndrome insecurity had not cropped up UNTIL that day of the darn company party WHICH
truth be told
until the day of!!!

AND I think the only thing that made me kick into that mode was the fact at 9am I went to my guitar lesson
the thing which is supposed to relax me
but I had the AWKWARDNESS of being dressed in this professional straight fitted dress.

Just try to play guitar with a stright fitted knee length dress.

For a man who is your teacher ( cause I didn 't want to be late for the party!! I PLANNED on going FROM MY LESSON to the party!! which was at noon but was an hour drive I was done with lesson at 10 and made the dumb mistake of loggin in to sign one damn thing that was due to be executed.)

I KNOW this was the day of the end of my career at this company as it has been.

MAYBE it is no really over?

The boss said very sincerely I think
I don't think they are actual BS self interested only jerks like the last company who have no soul

That they talked it over and they want to help me out by offering work on an as needed basis through my new company.

Transition me to 1099 through my company.

She said "of course you have a consulting agreement ?"

I said


Now the thing is I just hated being screwed by the last company when the did the BS of pretending it was performance based when it was not.

In this case I think there WAS Performance based issues
of me being late to that one public event.

The quirky outburst

Then another-- at the table with VP Directors etc...

a Director announces he has a disability with specificity. I blurted "Oh you didn't need to tell us that" and it came out WRONG

it was because when my FRIENDS said that to ME when I disclosed my disability it made me feel better they all ALREADY KNEW and accepted me without judgement!
THAt was how it was received

so it was like my brain said WHAT I FOUND assuring
in the wrong delivery
in the wronng moment
to someone who it made no sense to and it came across as rude to the rest of the table I am sure...

Maybe I think about these moments too much and give too much weight,

BUT my social mess ups made me self consiouse then. And then my negotiation skills were greatly affected by a VERY REAL mysogonistic awful encounter with a dude who was rude to me.
MY MISTAKE THERE Was telling the VP about it and using that term.
I should not have
In this place of consertative leaning folks... I flagged myself as what they would view as a "snowflake" I am sure..

What the hell

Maybe they saw my social media profile. Maybe it is not a good fit PERSONALLY as in a small company you have to really be able to gel...

Maybe I just talked too much, too openly and there is not a good fit as it is a very small company and YES in a small company you best all work well togther ( WE DO) but some prefer to LIKE EACH OTHER ( I like them but maybe they just never really warmed up to me).
Maybe they are nervous cause my actual moments did show a red flag...

I like, genuinely like the folks I am workign with.
I think they ARE really nice people.
I LIKE that they can be themselves and they tell it like it is * they have worked together for most part a LONG TIME.

I am not sensistive that they have different views from mine as they are really respectful and keep discussion of anything that could be diviseive just plain out of the workplace.

But for the one owner.. HA HA

But yes it is clear to me they are not on the liberal side of viewing the world as I am. I don't think any of them were crying tears over the overturn of Roe.

But for some reason I don't mind the guy who is so straighforward with no filer. He is so direct

But he likely is the one who doesn't want me to work for them.

Ce la vie.
I read the room and he was the one pissed I was late I think.

Whatever. Its also been fun to work there and get to know them a bit.

I just wanted to be authentically myself so I DON"T Mask when I go into spaces. I feel like I am just too old for that level of insecurity. Because I KNOW I do a good job! I know I have added value.
Ce la vie.

I do think it was a kind and compassionate way of telling my I am fired.

Transition July 15th...
but still work...
as a consultant.

I am not going to present a consulting agreement until I get a termination letter.

I mean legally you have to TERMINATE and employee.
I have no intention of resigning.

That is the sneaky shit
and I HOPE that is not the avoid firing me.

I asked "Is this optional? Because I do have the benefit of the 401K and if it is optional I would prefer to remain an employee."

She said no, we already discussed and decided July 15.

So I am being fired, techinically.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

I actually do love job hunting once get into it. NOTHING More exciting than new possibilities for growth in my book. - 2022-06-30


I decided Full time may be my best option now. Cause I am not going to pull from 401K!!! (UNLESS NO CHOICE) - 2022-06-30


Bedtime- I binged watched Greys Anatomy tonight ( OK two episodes only but that is a binge for me!) - 2022-06-29


YEAH fixed my web site issue for contacts! - 2022-06-29


Losing a job sucks - 2022-06-29