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2022-06-29 - 4:28 p.m.

Bummer found out I had an outstanding bill from my psychiatrist office from LAST JUNE (The last time I saw her). They had sent it to collection. I never received any bill or call from the collection agency (likely as it was $112 so they expend energy and time on bigger fish to catch... I just called and paid the bill from the Healthcare spending account. I did use that account this year and last for co-pays the few times I saw a medical provider myself. I called to see what my balance was and it was $185 prior to the payment of the bill. I could not schedule a new appt until that was resolved. I need to re-think going to see the Dr. I mean it is a good idea but I may be able to just be sure to get sleep and rest and eat well and start exercising and this NORMAL depression after a break up may abate in a few weeks and also the ABNORMAL PTSD might abate if I keep doing what I know works for my own self care. First of all, I need to find out if this Dr. accepts my current insurance. Then I have to figure out if there are co-pays for the three therapy appts I already went to. I did get charged the $50 no show fee for the one appt I did not go to- but no other charges of late so need to be sure there is not some insurance claim pending and then get slammed with a surprise copay bill for a BUNCH of therapy appointments. I have to be sure I can AFFORD therapy to continue with it. The therapist is out for the next couple weeks so I have until the next scheduled appointment to figure that out.

When I went back to the Psyciatrist it was not because I was symptomatic. I honestly saw her for an hour to meet and have her assess and discuss the likelihood of receiving a security clearance for govt work a year ago. I had been taking medication again due to the stress of work (before being fired!) but after I was home for a couple months just chilling ( Then I had SAVINGS for four months of not working so honestly did not want to jump back into a job immediately as needed the break to re-set after the unhealthy work environment I had been in. I talked with two of my former, actually all three- even the one who was stirring up trouble as she was herself in a survivor mode and "fight" kicked in . Her gossip was honestly really anxiety driven and I can't say she was WRONG at talking about how awful our boss was. I called her the toxic one as she made it WORSE for me for sure... but I have to acknowledge she was RIGHT in her condemnation of our boss. She just unfortunately was herself in a no win situation. I mean our boss had issues... but I think the three of us who worked for her were OK with addressing them with our boss directly! We didn't really gossip about her. It was a different dynamic in that somehow we all still respected her. Two out of three of us LIKED her. ( Not the 3rd! NO Fan as he was at the end of HER actual abuse. OH no mistake she was undoubtedly abusive to him. I heard her yelling at him and HEARD the awful things she said. I just reported it to HR rather than gossip.) But I digress again as I came here to edit a misspelling or some such and my brain keeps going with thoughts in response to something I read so I EDIT to add MORE detail. Which of course makes this likely have NO flow as I know I go all over the place! Mind under stress-- so forgive me. Back to the topic of my psychiatrist-

She said unequivocally, without ANY QUESTION that I would be cleared for certain work. I never disclose DETAILS about anything confidential.

But at some level I think my reduction of work and the current boss not considering me for a security clearance or to transition to full time (which is what they initially said the intention was) may be because in the initial interview for the clearance I did say there was the nastiness of the crazy divorce. I did say it was MESSY and I had to answer YES to all those questions "Involved in any legal suit" etc... That time of life is also the time I was SO STRESSED I kept getting speeding tickets! ( I am a MUCH better driver now for sure!)

The interviewer said "Maybe just wait a year" as you have to discuss anything in the past 10 years but the final legal nonsense was to be from 10 years ago as of September. I think that is it- after September I get questions to which I just answer NO and then don't HAVE TO discuss the absolutely INSANE lifetime drama of living through abuse soap opera I had preferred to try to forget and move on.

I think it was when I spent time with my oldest kids it became apparent there was so much trauma I had not delt with- and it just bubbled up I suppose as I HAVE to deal with it at some point.

Its like after busting my ass and working two or three jobs and not having a break I pulled back and scaled down to focus on healing and family and nurturing my kids here- and then my own shit bubbled up to be addressed to.

IT was encouraging a year ago my Dr. said "No issue being cleared!"
Wonder what she would say TODAY to that question! My confidence is a bit shaken.

She knows my state of mind and knows the moment I start to have hints or feeling anxiety that is welling up and not abating, or the moment I start to have ANY paranoid thoughts that are fanciful...

I go see her and get care.
Which is why she said there would be NO Issue me being cleared as I remain functioning! HECK I have NEVER had a hospitalization or any massive episodes that are debilitating.
The closest disruption is the current need to write alot frankly! This therapeutic emotional dumping.

FUCK those who discriminate against professionals with diagnosed mental illness that TREAT them.

I mean there are SO MANY Folks that work capably with mental illness.

We are not the ones that pose RISK.


Those who obfuscate and hide their challenges most of all deceive themselves and never get any help.

Those who are too prideful end up spiraling and hurting self and others and making more errors at work and their performance plummets.

I realized the funny thing when reading about ADHD symptoms one of them is
"depression when not enough to do"

For me it is anxiety when I don't have enough to do, then paranoia... maybe a certain manifestation of a down cycle? Could that be a kind of depression even though not the typical negative self-talk and feeling suicidal? I NEVER have once felt suicidal in my whole life. I have never felt self-hatred or self-loathing which is part of some folks depression.

I notice however that the last time I started to feel unwell I made a conscious choice to prioritize my health and the health of my family.

So I INTENTIONALLY reduced work, stayed home more, and carve out time to just BE HOME and DO NOTHING to LEARN how to re-set my overactive trauma informed nervous system to learn to be STILL and be OK with having nothing to do.

Funny my kids also needed to reset and recharge, and it was essential to their healing to learn that it is OK to do nothing.

I can't state this enough: How unhealthy it is to have a real need to always be in motion.

To keep busy because one CAN'T Sit with sel

Because then the trauma emerges

YET even though I don't have classic depression, when the work stopped being assigned to me to support, I then started feeling anxious. Seriously anxious. (I don't really believe there is no Business Development going on at my employer but rather they are not pulling me into the process like they did before)
(Wait was that a paranoid thought? OR spot on intuitive knowledge?? I mean that is the problem right there.... it is real .... the work reduction and fear of loss of income OR is it paranoia? Well every time I have the intense worry at work there is an outcome I was afraid of... but how much of my worry and thoughts then affect my work and inform the outcome? OR was I already picking up on a reality not yet shown that was inevitable and I just intuitively knew it?

here is the thing I notice. When I have a reduction of work
THAT is the #1 TRIGGER to my mental wellness at work!

I get so paranoid that I am going to be fired. That it is not about the work flow but about whether I am valued in providing support.

I mean in a large company it is so easy to then find a project to work on. Folks in large companies LOVE process improvement. Not the same in very small company as there is only so much process improvement that can be done when processes are already simple!!

I tried to have added value beyond the simple tasks allocated to me. The work I was given ownership of did not include some of the responsibilities I held in my past two roles but that didn't bother me as I am part time. BUT I did think at some point my boss might WANT to hand over more to me, and I thought I WOULD be willing to transition to a full-time role in another year or two. I mean I was thinking long term.

So I am disappointed. She did not want to do that obviously. And I don't in my gut think it has to do with the quality of work but rather who I AM. That is the gut punch feeling....
maybe it really is they just don't need more support. She at least was kindly in her conversation with me.
Framing it "We want to help you out."
as in give me what work they have.

I am trusting sincerity in that. I hope it is genuine and I am not being played as they are worried about the bottom line and don't want to outright fire in avoidance of having to pay unemployment insurance.
That would suck. I hate when employers play those games.
$1200 in support from unemployment insurance was denied last time around as my former employer lied and said I resigned.

SO I know better. I am not going to resign or sign any letter saying I agree to do so. That is just BS. I couldn't believe my one friend was naive enough to fall for that from the last job. (OH I was in good so many were let go. The company needed to prune which I get. I respect that. But what I don't respect if lying to people and manipulating them for your gain. Its just wrong.

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