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2022-08-08 - 10:20 a.m.

OH snap.
I hate when I promise to do something then don't follow through. I told the CFO I would send on Friday's to help her be ready for her executive leadership Monday morning meetings. OOPS! I literally thought there was nothing for her to report for last week as forgot I did any work so thought I was going to send a report of ZERO hrs and no work! OOPS <

Any time I work I ledger the time REAL TIME then and there.

Good thing as I plum FORGOT I did a document review last week!

So I just emailed my Weekly Status Report. Under my contract it is due COB on Monday the following week following work completed. So good with the contractual obligation.
as I normally like to do -
it is my ADHD managment technique

I not only set an EARLIER deadline


But I make the PROMISE to deliver earlier than required by contract. /p>

OR earlier than required in a proposal.

I ALWAYS Plan this way so that whomever ( Whether ME OR SOMEONE ELSE) has the burden of the FINAL review/ document or deliverable prep or final sending of the final deliverable WHATEVER IT IS Can do so WITH peace and time to do quality work
AND HAVE A BUFFER if somethign comes up so that a deadline is not missed.

It works really well for me.

It is necessary for me with my TIME WARP brain that honestly doesn't PROCESS TIME

like AT ALL.

Except when I go to sleep and say I want to wake up at a certain time.

I DO have that uncanny awareness.

HMM I need to focus on that and perhaps retrain my brain to tell itself a different story.

I wonder if TELLING Myself I have no sense of time harms me?

In any case; today will be a good day!

I honestly wish my kid was not so adverse to the idea of working full time as I swear I saw the PERFECT job posting that I think that particular kid would just rock!!

It is with a company I LOVED supporting. I mean I freaking love their leadership team. I love their actual integrity.
I wish every company were as honest and direct and transparent as they were. That is beacuse of their CEO who I swear is herself neurodivergent!
SHE just rocks!

That lady is a force to be reckoned with. In any space she is in- just tremendous energy and smart and motivated. OH yes a type A but such POSITIVE energy and she intentionally carves out time to relax and fosters work life balance while excellence is delivered.

She is my professional hero ( now that the Dr. I loved watching work has retired!)

The job happens to be IN PERSON in Buffalo.

I texted it to my kid... with all the encouragement as to WHY It seems like a PERFECT low impact ( physically) desk job my kid actually had rocking background and interests that are a good fit!

I mean this is the kid that was in Civil Air Patrol, and proud of the FEMA training achieved (took a couple basic emergency services classes offered by FEMA to act as a volunteer); then also volunteerred with TSA with me at the airport.

Its an admin job requiring only HS Education and ability to navigate a system with integrity.

My kid could ROCK it!

And the company is actually inclusive. There was an openly QUEER Project manager highly valued. The they pronoun would not be looked at oddly at all.

My kid could BE THEMSELF and also ROCK this job!

I mean living in a city- in particular the city of Buffalo itself would perhaps do wonders for my kids health. COOL is WAY BETTER than HOT for the POTs!

I just hope the suggestion is well received.
I get yelled at when I make suggestions most often. "Leave me alone"
"Mind your own business"
"Stop being abelist I can't work"


which is all frankly just BS and I think FEAR Speaking.

Disabled people CAN and DO work.

Hell siblings with POTS and other chronic illness are working. They are working their asses off and SURE they will not be physically ABLE To work like other folks to. There is a REALITY They may need to go on disabilty at some point
or retire earlier than some

or find work that is professional white collar that does not demand physical taxing AT ALL.

I mean joints wear down when have EDS which is a collegen disorder that only gets WORSE with time.

BUT when young your body YES EVEN YOUR CHRONICALLY ILL BODY Will be functioning better than it likely will later so to be defeated BEFORE making effort makes for an even harder life I think.

I look at Art's sister who is disabled. She refers to herself as an invalid. And that is largely accurate and true.

BUT she has been disabled with chronic pain for years AND she still worked full time and ROCKED IT providing not only for herself but also as I observed uplifting her BROTHER whom she found work for.

I mean I listened to his actual abelist views and his criticism of her thiking he was so clueless at his own neurodivergent and actaully bipolar reality- and his own sense of grandiosity but never acting and DOING anything. He was in la la land
and his SISTER was GROUNDED and worked her ASS OFF.

My relationship with him was over the day I went to her house and saw her having cooked this incredible Father's Day meal and saw the mysogony of his sense of entitlement

THEN as we were walking along a creek I think I lost ALL RESPECT FOR HIM
when he said "Maybe I will apply for disability"

YOU FUCKER YOU basically have done nothing but put your actual disabled sister down who has worked with her disability and chronic pain for YEARS and acted like she does nothing to help herself
when we just ate a meal she worked her ass of to prepare for her father on Father's Day in an impeccable clean home
which POOF did no clean itself
as she SAID she just did the deep cleaning

and all you can do is see the part of the porch that is broken and not fixed, and the unfinished house project and instead of jumping in and offering to help and working WITH HER husband ( who is older and has health issues ) to get it done all you can do is judge and critize and see the imperfections and not SEE all the work and good and MARVEL at HOW SHE DID THAT??

I was freaking marveling at her accomplishements in life.

His only good job in all the years I knew him it turns out is the one SHE GOT
HIM in the place she was the office manger or. The prior one HIS COUSIN offered by giving him part time work for HER company.

He is so clearly neurodivergent
so sure he likely is ACTUALLY A disabled person too

BUT the fact of his comment was not out of any awareness and did not come AFTER WORKING HIS ASS OFF TO TRY TO FIND WORK and having no options manifest

and it did not come from a sense of not being ABLE to work

But from this sense of entitlement and judging "Oh hey not a bad life to not work"
and from this sense of that being OK to seek help cause you are LAZY

hell I will call him lazy as that was what I saw. Maybe not fair of me
but it just pissed me off when there are folks who are seriously ill and have such trouble and he COULD get up and about

He is fucking ABLE BODIED and was spending all his time doing very PHYSICAL things and it was feeling GREAT for him - but he was spending no time looking for work as he said he did not want a physical job and WANTS the high pay he saw me getting and others his age. But buddy those of us getting the higher rates have CONSISTENLY BEEN IN THE WORK FORCE FULL TIME until now

I am not being fair but that fucking reaction pissed me off big time.

It just hit so fucking hard as I have a kid who I WANT TO NOT BE LIKE THAT
To now be viewing self as NOT able to work

And I watched Art get opportunities and not EMBRACE THEM. I mean if he wanted to work as an artist- fucking take the work you can as an artist. We went out to breakfast and the owner offered him a mural painting job. He never fucking followed up. He wants to see work but he is too good to sell for less than highest prices. That is not how it works. You have to sell first at what the MARKET allows and build a reputation

Ch 8 of the Artist way was just completed and basically it sets forth the dillusion of the frustrated artist who never makes it.

The truth is they don't make it because they don't do the CONSISTENT WORK.

The ones who make it ALWAYS WORK . That doesn't mean for free but SOMETIMES YES for less than monetarily worth in exchange for the connections, the relationships the networking and building of brand to then have other clients and meet those who WILL VALUE and pay premium.

It was so disappointing to watch him squander opportunities raised. He said he wanted to find a step up facilities management job but NO FOLLOW through on taking a professional certification class; and would not reach out to my contact A FACILITIES MANAGER who could mentor him cause of his mysogony.

He was like I am not going to be mentored by some young girl.

ASSHOLE THAT YOUNG GIRL is in the JOB YOU WANT and is rocking it cause she has skills YOU DON"T HAVE YET
and she could help you learn them and she has connections
she could land you interviews
she knows some hiring

But he was an asshole not worthy of that help.


I am just so disappointed in him.
And I guess myself for not having seen who he was well enough.

Live and learn.

OK I need to dump this and move on rocking my day.

I DID have a wonderful weekend! It was SO NICE to get some things done on Sat and then head over to my lovely guy friends in DC.

I mean it was so relaxing and comfortable hanging with him. Then it was uplifting to attend a beautiful church service where the sermon felt like it was speaking TO ME DIRECTLY.

I mean talk about being where you need to be when didn't even plan it.

It was kinda a last minute decision to leave my friends' place and go to church! We talked about possibly swimming but honestly he is getting ready for travel and had some things to do I kinda felt like I did not want to be a distraction from him focusing on what he needed to get done before a 2pm commitment he had Sunday.

It was not that I did not want to spend time with him ( I was so enjoying it and going with the flow!) but I said "kick me out whenever you are ready!" in all sincerity wanting to respect HIS need for space.

I hope he didn't take that as me being eager to get out of there! HA HA BUT Truth be told I ended up being exactly where I NEEDED to be to nurture myself alone!

Main theme: God does provide and love and care for each of us and we are called to do the same; even when such acts of love require great sacrifice to the point of not even making sense. AND forgive not seven times... but seven times seventy seven...."

and this The shepard may ignore the 99 sheep who are doing OK; and invest all in the one that is lost to return him to the fold.

SO be it...
that is what we are called to do

EVEN when the other 99 are not understanding. IF THEY end up being the one ever- then they may understand that is the kind of love we are called to give.

But until then they won't get it.


Even when it seems against reason.

For me it just validated I am on the right path of being HERE to support my kids WHO NEED ME now.

I know it is holding me back from other things I COULD be doing. But those other things are not as valuable. HONESTLY
even if that means less income
thus less spening money on pleasurable things and less overall quality of life

I mean if all I can provide is NECESSITIES for my kids BUT AM PRESENT here with them I am STILL THINKING for now that is what they need.

I still am driving to Dr. appointments for them.
I still need to follow up and schedule MORE.

THERAPY Would be great! But until the physical are taken care of I can't see the ability to do that-
But I feel in my gut taking care of the physical is what is most important and will tend to that piece when it is time. It is never TOO LATE to address issues in therapy ( I think? I mean it is if there is depression that could result in suicide truly. I don't get that sense but I do know there are still weird cell growth that are unidentified in one that we need experts to see!)
So yeah I have to keep prioritizing finding medical doctors and getting kids to that care.

Other thing is taking them to their DMV appointments which TWO have now followed up on!! YEAH

Filling the form as it is called in The Artist's Way- taking the steps needed that are boring and mundane but necessary to move forward.

Doing alot of that kind of work daily of late.
Literally- Job hunting and unemployment filings and dmv applicaitons on part of my kids...

Its all part of growth. Which is happening; albeit slowly. Celebrate the small steps forward and keep moving forward EVEN IF a little at a time!

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