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2022-09-24 - 8:25 a.m.

My morning thought as I make a cup of coffee and pour a bit of milk in a cup to test it to see if spoiled yet.
No it is not spoiled yet but on the cusp. The container has that smell but the milk itself not yet turned, completely that is... something in the container started to or it would not have that smell. OK so the milk is turning, but still had a tolerable taste when I taste tested it.

Well now my coffee is tolerable as well but yeah there is the ok taste but then the aftertaste of sour.

OK so it has turned. But not awful yet and I know it is still better than no coffee and yes even better than black coffee in my estimate.

Last night I asked my kid "Why did you make two things of pudding?"

It made little sense as my brain was thinking one is enough. Ration the sweets in the house so can have a treat another time, one day next week.

My kids LOVE sugar. HA they likely have had a sugar addiction. I am sure one does. One noted that once the one college student went back the sugar bowl and bag in pantry are not empying quickly.

So my thought was to make two now will mean next week no day with a sweet treat.

But the answer then made sense
My smart kid said "That milk is still good but figured better do something with it before it goes bad."

Spot on.
The pudding was the cooked kind and both the chocolate and vanilla in there seemed like a good idea to have made.

So I chose the vanilla for breakfast. Simply as heard the other kid say they liked the chocolate better.

Then my kids had a conversation about which vanilla pudding was better. This brand ranked high. It was a surprise to them, as it is a store brand.

I had guessed Aldi before just confiming to capture this random info of best vanilla pudding we have had,
Bakers' Corner from Aldi

We don't shop at Aldi as it is not nearby which was why that was my guess, cause I did not buy this and the newness of it made me guess that.

It is the kinda fun thing that at least when unemployed and get food help that when I go to the larger pantry in the larger town a few towns over, that serves this county-
we get these random foods we would not otherwise eat.

The kids laugh when I refer to our 'Hand Me Down Foods'

But that is what they are.

The funny thing is that Costco will pack up baked goods and those are these massive sized items which sometimes come to us.

I have not been at the pantry since COVID hit until now. I had gone there on ocassion over the years and always thought it was wonderful the dignity with which they had everything set up there. They had an actual store set up and you would wait your turn, then they gave you a cart and you drive through and there were signed as to how many items of each category you could take for a family. They had some color coded system ( have to here as families here are ALL sizes- not just the AVG 2.5 kids!) So for example those large quiverfull fams might get a purple card and then be allowed 6 items from a veggie bin full of options whereas I might get some card that means 3 items. They had some system. Colors and numbers.

It was well done and clear enough.

And they were generous with certain things. If your family eats pre made salads for example , oddly ( I thought) those were not that popular. And they turn quickly- so I would always get a good number of those for us to eat. My kids also oddly will eat any premade store bought (or often even hand me down) salad (unless it has blue cheese!) YET they are not keen on salads I mix up. So would grab those and they would eat them.

Although I finally figured out the secret to encouraging my one now 18 yr old to eat a healthy diet. I swear this kid is just a YOUNG 18 and feels to me like younger. She just seems to need time.
Time to be nurtured and grow and also needs nudging. Not to be stagnant.

OK one more sip of the coffee... and after the sweet pudding I just ate... OH NAH

NOW I taste the sour milk more keenly
and am done... half cup good enough... had some. Dumping the rest.

Maybe I will bake mix up biscuits today. Likely will try the fun challenge of baking on a grill after it cools down and sit them out there to see what happens. I was reading about how to bake on your grill. Sour milk can always be baked with and the flavor ends up fine like using buttermilk or making sourdough.

Problem with those who are food insecure is you end up with all these cans and then also lots of meat and not enough access to fresh veggies.

I have lots of meat left in the freezer. We ended up eating ham with some canned yams and green beans last night. I was so grateful at how quick it was to fry up the ham and I was happy the kids actually ate it. I had forgotten I had thawed this ham and have been eating it and there was still some left. They are so funny as if I ask them they will say NO and not want to eat stuff not crazy about but I found if I just prepare the meal and take it to them then they will eat it ( usually). No one in this house really likes ham much but they ate it.

My kids ask me why I care what they eat. True I should let them be and not care. It should not be a personal thing to me whether they like and want to eat the food I have prepared or not! HA

I get that. But what the concern is for me is about their health. I do worry about the youngest not getting enough of a varied diet as she is really a picky eater and now as an adult when she can totally do what she wants I am even MORE worried about her nutrition and her health. She just is so childlike still in refusal to eat anything she doesn't like. That doesn't serve people well to be healthy!

I mean I think as adults we learn to eat our veggies even if not enjoyable all the time.
This kid ate only the ham last night.
She of course had other thngs- pudding. HA
Whatever else she got herself to eat through the day.

We don't have ANY junk food in the house whatsover which I think is good. But then I swear this kid just doesn't eat at all at times!

Well I can't worry too much about it. I did suggest that there are actually food counselors and that she is such a picky eater it might make sense to look that up and consider it. I did talk to her about this. One of my friends has a young adult child with autism, about the same age as my older kid ( the one diagnosed) who has food issues too. Much of the food sensitivities are due to texture and how they feel and a strong aversion to discomfort. There is a real increased sensitivity amoung some autistic persons.
So the youngest, not autistic like the older, has the worst food sensitivity based on texture and preference etc.

The Older kids have actual allergies to so many foods. This kid too might actually have some food allergies as well. I just realized she received the enviromental testing and she is the one I have been taking for the immunotherapy for her allergies but she might also have food sensitivities informing her picky eating.

I have to ask as I took her for the allergy testing almost as an afterthought , for the "just in case" as she never complained. I knew she had some seasonal allergies but thought nothing unusual and then her test came back THE WORST of them all. I just realized she may not have had the food allergy testing too. And maybe this is another case of her picky eating being medically informed by some allergy,

She is very non communicative and non complaining and doesn't ask for help and in fact balks when I try to help her.

I am glad that she will accept help from her Dad when he offers it. He is funny as I send emails asking him to help pay her medical co pays and he vollys back and forth and doesn't step up to plate to do it-
the good news is
he is bringing her a computer.

YEAH!!! She was not willing to go to the library the many times I offered to drive her to get he stuff done there.
She did not take me up on the offer to borrow my laptop to get stuff done.

I just don't have the means to buy her a computer just now. I finally got it out of her the hold up in getting a few things done that she said she wanted to do was beacuse she can't navigate sites on her phone and did not have a computer. The one she had was issued by school and returned upon graduation. It took a while for me to figure out what her seeming procrastination was. She just does not see and obstacle and ASK for help to overcome it.
She tends to just GIVE Up in the moment.
I feel like in time she hopefully will get better at not doing that.

OK I need to focus on the next medical to do. Some things I TOO have procrastinated on. I do it too. I get it .Its an ADHD thing...

SO I do understand (to an extent). Everyone is different. But I wish I was more effective in helping her push through the challenge of whatever the blocks are.

I can help by myself following up on finding a therapist I suppose!! I have not tried in a while as I finally did find one that takes my insurance- but the co pay was then bumped up to some ridiculous thing- $120 or $140 a session WITh insurance?? WHAT?? Can find private pay for less than that per hour for therapy likely.

So I gave up for the time being ...but here is where my ADHD kicks me...

That is My insurance, which covers me and one kid.

THIS YOUNGEST was not YET dropped by DAD! I know he threatened it. So we all kinda assume at any time he will pull support and kinda forget about being able to rely on him.

He is not realiable long term in the eyes of my kids.

BUT they also do not view me as reliable for some things! (Like my older one claims she won't get a job as she does not have reliable transportation and in thetr view blames me. Its fucked up transfering of her fears into excuses and shifting blame. There is a bus. It is a freaking block away. So that is just BULLSHIT I call it bullshit. I tell the kid stop blaming and finding excuses and just act and be open to the possibility it WILL work out and be managable and feasible. I say TRY and if you fail so what. try again. But the NOT trying and claiming 'I can't' is just BS. But I dont' nag... these kids will grow into their next phase when ready and a bit of their self imposed extended youth and avoidance of growing up is hurting no one ( but impeding their growth.)
Hurting only themselves in a way. Some day they won't want that to continue and will make a move, a change. I see small shift happening. Growth does happen in life. It is hard to stop it frankly though sometimes one can slow it down.

I had a few folks suggest I go ask for help from social services. I have not as was thinking I will land a job any day now. In part I also am reluctant as if I go in it only makes sense to seek support for my acutally disabled adult austisic young person living with me, my child. I kinda want to hold off and see if this kid applies to college and gets in and if Dad helps and my older brilliant child goes off to engineering school.
I mean once I seek further help the reality of status quo would kick in. I KNOW the social workers at that local office are frankly freaking rock stars. I KNOW They are amazing at getting support for people. I KNOW a neighbor , actually neigbors, who had teens and young adults that went through rough patches of depression.

One was mocked mercilessly and one of the few black students. She was taunted and called Harriet etc... and goaded til she got angry and defended herself and got suspended...etc... That young woman is now married with three beautiful kids of her own and runs her own business sewing the most adorable clothing for babies and children. She figured her life out. She is happy and a loving wonderful mother.

The other is a daughter of a neighbor living in her basement who had worked a bit at a vet, tried college and didn't hack it, had a period of depression, etc....

I know her mother said the office got her help. Whether the young adult daughter WANTED her to or not the office heard the reality and a social worker insisted on it.

SO I KNOW I could get more support. But I feel like hold out with the hope that my two kids here are motivated to aspire to get those applications in this Fall for college. IN hope they GET IN somewhere and have a dream. An aspration a goal of propelling growth in themselves, EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.

Well one does. One is very clear, My autistic kid is freaking brilliant no lie and will make an marvelous engineer or scientist. They have a clear vision of that educational path and that is enough. I just hope they are accepted somewhere as the schools on the short list they are applying to are VERY competetive. I don't think this kid understands how competetive. So I hope they get in and if not are not crushed by disappointment and can pivot to consider other alterantives.

That is the thing. Autistic people sometimes seem to have a harder time pivoting to a new vision. They stick with one so insistantly and have trouble envisioning others.

I get it.

Hell I took the Bar exam six freaking times before accepting perhaps that is not my path!! ( note the perhaps. Yes I am not yet settled with the idea of never studying and taking it again. I figure in my retirement... when I really can afford to actually retire and not work!)

I may not be autistic ( or fucking may be.. ha ha... it is interesting how it is finally understood that the autistic traits are found in people who are not non verbal and who just have different brains. More likley I have some "traits" so get it... related well to neurodivergent due to my ADHD brain.)

The lines between what nerodivergency one has seem so fuzzy to me. So many traits are found in so many different things.
Here is one of the many venn diagrams on this. It is clear to me that more than just the one diagnosed with autism in my family are autistic. ( Did I mention that already? HA HA Do I perseverate much? HA HA HA)

OK so back to an unfinished thought in this ADHD ramble that is cicrular and all over the place. ( I sometimes circle back to finish unfinshed thoughts).

So since COVID the pantry now makes appointments and one will go and complete a questionarie on line about what food preferences one has for their family. Then you go at a scheduled appointment time and pick up the pre packed bags of food and someone brings them to your car, just like shopping on line anywhere.

AND they gave us a MASSIVE COSTCO cheesecake and a MASSIVE COSTCO Apple Pie.

The last time I got help from the food panty I signed up for hospitality at my church.

YES I brought the massive COSTCO day old baked good to church on Sunday to the table where my church constituents could enjoy them.

It was the one way I could give back at the time.

Hey what goes around comes around.

And those were really good pies! At the time they used to also have this large container outside of the facility where they put all the baked good, bread and bakary items that were to be used that day.
Folks were encouraged to take as much as they wanted as those items would be wasted if someone did not pick them up.
SO I signed up for the Hospitality Committee and on did a run to that pantry where I picked up COSTCO muffins or pies for the church community.

I didn't even get food for my family then. I just knew that they had that bin there and that there were always more muffins or pies than anyone could possibly want. Those are items that get tossed if not picked up.

(COSTCO locally really should review inventory and adjust for those items! HA HA)

I had enough income then on my tight budget to take care of my bills and shop for groceries and contribute to my 401K and even donate to the church and other causes. I KNEW however how the pantry worked and that at the end of the day on SAT if there was baked goods left they would be tossed! So on Saturdays I made the trip to just that baked good section and stocked up for the after Sunday Service.

I think it was cause I first signed up for Hospitality without realized we had to then provide the food and when I first did that I paid all my bills and was like "OH crap I don't have the discretionary income for this."
So that was my solution.

It worked.

SO I Laughed when we opened up the provisions to find the massive pie and cheesecake. I did freeze some of each of those.

So not true no sweets- NO Sweets in the house BUT more of those in the freezer which everyone is sick of at this point as even with freezing a large COSTCO item for three people cut in half is STILL Way too much of any one thing!!

Nonetheless, it was truly apprechiated and a real treat. I did enjoy that cheesecake.

Ok enough rambling. Time to read and then fire up the grill in about and hour on this chilly Fall morning.

I also need to take my bike out for a ride to fill its tires so it is ready for me to ride on Monday when I take my car into the shop.

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