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2022-12-12 - 1:43 p.m.

I am just going to post this here.

Honestly it was in reading another Diaryland journal, written by a young woman from a war torn country who dealt with much abuse both in her family ( psychological trauma really based on conditioning of cultural norms- I mean it is ingrained in culture almost it seems to a degree based on roles of women and familiar expectations to live in the historical roles of the norm for women in the middle eastern country of origin) ; war zone; refugee
I mean each of those experiences ITSELF would be trauma inducing.

So I wanted to understand her use of the acronym CPSD

and did a google. (rather than assume)

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( she might have missed the t? I might have missed reading it?)
I found lots of fascinating articles.

And this

I still recall my best friend from law school telling me "There is nothing wrong with you but X " ( naming my ex husband)

What I did not know is that Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder can in fact cause moments of psychosis-

which sound, when I read of them. very much like the ones I experienced now about 15 years ago.

I mean I never had any before or since.

Those moments really were I believe the criteria used to diagnose me as bi-polar which I never really understood.

Can you be bipolar if you don't feel like ever have a low self esteem?
Or don't feel like actually ever experienced acute depression ? ( I mean sure maybe a few low energy days? Tiredness?? )
Is excessive daytime sleepiness really fairly characterized as "depression?" ( When it could also be low blood sugar drops? And fits some dysautonomia type symptoms? I mean was it really psychological or was there an underlying physical cause not detected?)

Can actual bipolar hypo mania be present only in excessive talking? (But not doing anything dangerous? No history of drug or alcohol abuse or binges of eating or shopping?)

I mean I would read about bipolar and think

SURE I get upbeat and high energy and perhaps am happier than most people at times

I can see humor and find things funny

But is that really unbalanced hypomanic?

The diagnosis never really resonated with me. I resisted it at first but then settled in and was happy to get help as SURE found Lithium did help me.

And also found that the stimulants had preceded the psychotic moment ( I was taking Adderall)

BUT Why was it considered mental illness because I biochemically responded to stimulants in that way
RATHER THAN considered a SIDE EFFECT OF Stimulants is indicative of bipolar? It is said that stimulants will cause someone who is bipolar to get worse- and induce mania. So the fact of me being unstable and having the psychotic episode on Adderall was in fact a reason for the diagnosis thinking that I had that illness. But what if that was just wrong?

The more I read, the more I think I just have complex PTSD and not bipolar illness.


Years ago I figured it really doesn't make a bit of difference -
just freaking treat the issues.


So there you have it
I don't fucking care

BUT I do think it a travesty if in fact in the end effective treatment is NOT the same. And this is where I am going with this. I have had counselors over the years. First starting with marriage counseling with my First husband when married. Then I continue individually. Then Marriage counseling with my 2nd husband when married. And I also then continued with individual counseling for a number of years, in conjunction with seeing the Psychiatrist. But to be honest it was counseling- not exactly what I would consider therapy when I went to that counselor. It was talking to her. I mean it was helpful but not as helpful to be honest when I then hired a Life coach! (my therapist best friend will CRINGE AT THAT!! She is appaled that some pay good money to "Life coaches" Who have very little education and can work without regulation when therapist have YEARS of higher education! YES Life Coaches are all the rage! BUT YEAH My FIRST Life coach was awesome! He know has a kicking practice and guess what- he has surrounded himself with a bunch of really well educated folks and now has 12 staff on his Life Coaching and Leadership Coaching team! (CRAP they do this weird stuff! I have mixed feelings about it- But he is into the "Science of Personality" and Leadership development as he figured out the money is in working with corporations and in our area govt agencies of course.. total aside... this is not his company but he COLLABS with them. Fascinating stuff but again they are using DATA ANALYTICS to measure PEOPLE and that creeps me out in a way... I mean it is Darwinism at best right? What happens to those less perfect?? BUT back to the main point. What if I am misdiagnosed and what I really needed all along was just actual THERAPY distinct from the kind of counseling I had for a short while in conjunction with a psychiatrist? Hmmmm I just wonder. And thinking of misdiagnosis-

The travesty is that people are being misdiagnosed on the basis of WHAT the clinician has to put down on their paperwork they file with insurance companies


That is truly fucked up.

When the insurance companies are the drivers of diagnosis.

That is what I find most disturbing.

Its not like we as a society did not know of this issue when I took a Health care Law class now 22 years ago.

SO yeah I suppose I have small moments of feeling really down.

Small moments of feeling depressed.

That fact is depressing.
BUT in good news it was easy to reschedule my appointment with the therapist I found and put it off til January when my NEW insurance kicks in.

I did confirm the surgery center the Dr. referred me to DOES NOT Take my insurance.

Of course my OB/GYN office was closed for lunch by the time I did other things on my to do ( some marketing for an org., I started off day with a 8:45 AM call from a recruiter I admire the "Go getter" attitude of so welcomed working with. She is clearly Indian and I said OK to her pitching me for yet another full time contract management role. This one at $130 K- sure I will take it if she can land it for me even though it is hybrid and may require an hour drive to an office once in a while!)

OK- Dog needs walking and attention! ( of course right when the office personnel are back from lunch and I could call now!! Hope to get that done RIGHT AFTER The walk! I need to request a Prescription for the procedure be written and sent so I can work at scheduling at the in network hospital as outpatient I think.)

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