2022-12-15 - 1:48 p.m.

My DC guy called and just feel so much better as we talked out all the concerns.
I am pleased he called.
I was going to sleep then call him back-

but of course the dog needed to move and eat

So instead I got some lunch and fed her and let her out

and then- after hydration ( headache STILL THERE. I swear if I have a cup of coffee it would go away but holding out. DANG how can one cup a day be so awful when missed??? I had a headache yesterday that was better after I finally had coffee at the oral surgeon's office at 2:15pm).

SO he and I made a plan. I work Christmas but he WANTS To come here to spend Christmas Eve with me. HE WANTS to make it clear he is choosing to be a couple. He said he WANTED me to accompany him tonight to this event as a couple and that he would not go alone and yes he was looking for things HERE for my benefit. I am not just an accoutrement to his life.

That feels good.
So much better.

I am just I know affected from past deeply so I needed the affirmation.

I suppose my concern is good as it does let me know I care deeply about HIM and wish we were both just not so afraid of jumping in with trust.

I mean when I asked him about FEELINGS the last time physically together he did not want to talk. I think then I was hurt that he used this term "That was a fun session"
I mean like our being together was a play party session- a sex party
That is the language of the free spirited sex positive polyamorists

That is not the language of being in love and committing in a relationship.

And I am all for open relationships but the RELATIONSHIP has to be the point. Not the SEX
and that was my worry in relation to him. Worry I was just objectified but he was better at SKILLS of learning how to do that
but not genuine

But I think it was just MY FEAR speaking
I mean it is all good.

It just sucks when don't spend much time together in trying to navigate an actual relationship.

AND for me it is this time of life where honestly the priority has been kids and trying to LAUNCH Them into independence
and failing

so having to use tough love as the logical next step.

And that is a lonely road to be on

But the current path.

SO the trees outside my window are ice covered. The roads are going to be ice covered tonight too.

I am grateful for the invite if I wanted to head to DC. AND that he is genuinely wanting to see ME and genuinely invested in relationship that is real. Not just in it for the chemistry. I am also grateful the chemistry is there!
I mean that was NOT in the pheromones honestly of the guy who DID genuinely LOVE me who also genuinely LOVED my kids! I mean I said NO to a man who was otherwise honestly the PERFECT life partner for me because I was not physically attracted to him. I would have had ZERO problem with marrying him and being monogamous but for the fact I felt like there is Possibility of MORE.

I believe in possibility of finding OR CREATING ALL THAT- both the love and good relationships not only with me but my family who will be my family
I mean I am committed
and who I can try to encourage to be independent
and can try tough love
or just support as they go off and do what they will

BUT in reality who ARE CHRONICALLY ILL

and there will be periods I just have to love and be the caretaker when they can't function.

YES I believe possible to have a relationship with someone who loves me and learns to at least accept them ( and be loving toward or in response. They were of course NEVER abusive to that guy. They were loved and KNEW they were loved by him which I suppose is the alchemy that can cut through trauma that is a root cause of abuse perpetuating...)

So feeling better.

And will now go back to the CSS portal I got into again. THANK GOODNESS The tech support really fixed the issue ( I HOPE!!)
Will know soon.
Then at 3 will log in for work meeting.

We nixed idea of getting together due to the icy roads. They will only get worse. He did ask if I have plans tomorrow.
There is a work party I want to go to. I would have invited him to join me but for the fact I ALSO have to get to the laundromat - either tonight or tomorrow. One thing to drive 15 min in rain and possibly freezing roads ( its close and highway for most part) and quiet another for one of us to make the treck all the way to or fro DC in that weather condition.

Laundromat and then getting something to eat our family quality time. FOR REAL
The only time I can get kids with me out of the house other than for Doctor appointments!
I work this weekend and its due to get done.

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