2022-12-31 - 1:41 p.m.

So I just did apologize to the kid with MCAS and allergies to EVERYTHING
about Christmas gifts that would trigger allergies.

YEAH I get their anger.

I get it.

Just because I have been USED to putting up with the temporary misery and discomfort of normal hygiene items

doesn't mean THEY should.

And they do have a point.

I get it. I can be more thoughtful of each of them.

I did point out in my defense I asked the two who live here to give me a gift wish list.

Neither did. Cause I think they both know I don't have disposable income.

When they were younger if money was tight Christmas shopping was done at thrift stores if had any cash-

OR on credit. To be paid off later which for little ones to have SOMETHING under a Christmas tree seemed fair. OR in some years I got help from signing up at the Community Coalition where went "shopping" ( on the dole basically- the good will of neighbors who all donated in mass to support the community.)

One great year I remember Henry bringing me garbage bags FULL of items he cleaned out of his house in prep to sell it. Stuffed animals, the XBOX that his sons used to play, so many amazing things and it was an abundant Christmas.

June also then came over and saw some things- which
unexpected and I should have (and Henry should have) KNOWN BETTER had been HER daughter's when they had lived together. Their relationship was over for two years (ostensibly) by then.

BUT it was one of the worst moments.

That was the real test of our friendship.
I mean she felt so betrayed.

I still remember that wooden figurine for artists to be able to learn to draw the figure. Or for draping for fashion design.

My kids then had interest in both drawing and one was designing dresses. Drawing dress after dress... and loved doing that. (The interest waned after what I can only presume was STRESS of going to the NYC Fashion Camp. Little did I realize it was really rich kids only... some with their own businesses as designers at age 15... with Daddy and Mommy's angel investment money. I mean really WEALTHY kids! I won a big on "Bidding for Good" as the summer camp donate the week experience to be bid as fundraiser for some NYC Synagogue or Church).

The kid came back and never drew another thing of clothing again. Came back and said years later that the experience made it clear they did not aspire to live in that NYC Fashion Industry world.

SIGN

SO I am writing as I relax and let my system settle after the allergy attack from my own bath.

IRONY right?

The shampoo ( one the kid gave me cause they found it to trigger allergies) obviously is what triggered major allergy attack in me. I took an allergy med. Those take time to work. BUT also after about 20 minutes my allergy attack from a product typically subsides.

I am just SO USED to the allergy during /after showering/bathing or even sometimes just washing my hands and face.

I have just always LIVED with it.

BUT YEAH that is kinda stupid.

And it is kinda stupid that after Christmas Eve I was having major allergy attacks every time I came up to my room to go to sleep. At first I thought my tentant perhaps had just burned some scented candle and the smoke/scent hit the vents. I felt like BUMMER but I can suffer through it and deal... just deal... as she has EVERY RIGHT To burn candles and enjoy her basement. I mean to have no smoking is one thing.But to make major restrictions due to our hypersensitivity and allergies is another.

After a couple nights- still smelling this candle scent smell I FINALLY when in a sneezing fit in my bathroom- saw the CANDLE my lover gave me as a Christmas gift.

I wasn't overjoyed when he gave it along with lingire. I mean it felt borderline offensive to get only those two things.
It felt borderline offensive for him to ask "Do you want to exchange gifts?" Just like a week before Christmas.

I mean it felt very much like "YEAH not that into you.. but I have no other plans for Christmas EVE and apparently if I want to keep getting laid I better make some effort to see you."

I mean that was the vibe I was getting... Like yeah it was nice he took a month to think about it and then said "Yes I want to persue a relationship"

But I am still not feeling he is vested
Or I am

And feel like it is just more words...I mean despite the fact when with him it is nice!
I ENJOY his company

But you know it is not like he has any great interest or energy or excitement to want to talk about me or great curiousity about MY WORLD

I mean it kinda sucks to be dating someone when he is clearlny not in love

you just can't force it.

It fucking is what it is.

And it just kinda heartbreaking for me to actually BE LOVED and to love the Buffalo guy
when that too is not a relationship that will ever be more than
IT IS WHAT IT IS

the long distance lover.

I mean sure great to be loved

But it is still so ... well.. I mean OK and I can't complain cause better than not being loved right?

But it does kinda suck to have a feeling of heartbreak at times that I would love to see him but then DON'T WANT To be in his environment where I can't fucking breathe and get triggered by the smoke etc...
I can't handle his apt more than a couple days.

My asthma kicks in.

Meeting int he middle traveling worked but I have no fucking energy to invest in travel like that. I just have other priorities.

I mean if travel is in budget ( more than the $100 on the AMEX for the NYC hotel with daughter)- well then need to go to FL to visit my Dad and family there.

So the irony is that I figured out it was the heavily scented candle ( and I don't even really particularly like the scent. I mean its like SOAPY ...) but it was SWEET that it had this heart shape formed with hands.
Closest thing to being at all expressive of emotion

from the DC guy who says he wants authentic connection

but can't be at all emotionally available and expressive.

Its like he is completely UNEMOTIONALLY available
while wanting me to be physically available to him.

That is what HE WANTS.

And it is so fucking obvious.

whatever.

Player.

But a decent lover who also believes in having learned the tools of "consent" language and will use protection.

so what the hell it is what it is.

But what I get irritated about is that I feel like he is playing "pretend" at a relationship.

I guess the Buffalo guy was super clear he would WANT a relationship if I moved in with him. The offer is there. He has reiterated it many times. He would love for me to be his business partner even- he would love total enmeshment.

I can't do enmeshment.
HELL NO

That does not work for me.

But there is some happy medium between getting laid once or twice a month and not actually having any other sort of actual genuine connection and interest in each other's life...

and enmeshment.

In any case- I found a cabinet to put the candle in so it is not triggering me in my space yesterday.

And found it so ironic.
Cause I should just tell guys

Don't fucking bring me lingere.

I like to buy MY OWN when I am in the mood to dress up and surprise you.

It just doesn't fucking sit well with me.

UNLESS We are in an ACTUAL REAL RELATIONSHIP that is well developed .

I mean I was ok with it from actual boyfriends.

But this guy does not have that. Heck no

If I call him during the week he is always quick to get off the phone. Its always a quick 5 or 10 min chat and he has to go cause he has something pressing on his busy agenda.

I mean he is not itching to connect with ME.

I just thought of how fucking offensive it was when I was married and my asshold husband ignored my asthma and was designing the house to put a fucking fireplace in the bedroom.

IGNORING everything I said about how could not fucking sleep there with a fireplace

The architect heard it and thanks to him we had a gas hook up thing.

ASSHOLE

Whatever.
Off to work for the day.

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