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2023-01-02 - 8:58 a.m.

It is so interesting to me that when I am working and busy I am content.

Only if I am idle do I get down and start to overthink!

So went to work and played my guitar and it was such a lovely evening.

Looked at the social media and honestly was really happy for my friend to see he got out of town and travelled to see friends and enjoy the weekend away. (No longer irritated by his pretending he likely would not go... upon me asking if it might work for me to meet him earlier. I just wish he could be HONEST and say he just wanted that time with them and really did not want to invite me the whole time. That is what aggravates me- the lack of honestly. Just be fucking direct. I knew Mon would never work for me (Today) cause I was not going to risk possible issue interfering with the gift to me from my older kid.

Blessed with good weather.

I had to work all weekend anyway.

And it is so interesting to me that even when work is boring I still enjoy it.

I find a book to read or pull out my guitar.

My anger dissolved once I vented so was no longer irritated. Looked at phone pics and was genuinely happy to see the happy faces of friend with his companions. Even think it sweet this beautiful lady is clearly hot for him ( HA) Hell she is local and happens to be a bartender so likely more like his kinda gal than me.

She may not know her invite to have him come see her on New years eve was visible to all. OR his response

He can be clueless like that, although he has learned a bit...

Good for him if he has interest too. She looks lovely,

The last local gal he took out was one of those insufferable judgmental kind who can't get along with anyone or refused to spend time with anyone that is not aligned with every political view or hypervigilant at masking, vaccination etc...

So his prospect there ended quickly. She judged him as an idiot and selfish.

Oh but as for him having some other romantic interest- interestingly the romantic interest for him is LOCAL in town and he was going away to meet buddies. Regardless I would have been as happy for him if he was traveling with anyone else as a romantic interest
but pissed if he was not being honest to me about his life.

BUT We also have an agreement we don't NEED To share every detail. We don't need to discuss others in our lives unless there is a serious relationship which would impact our ability to connect, talk once in a while and consider getting together even less/

I mean truth be told it would be nice to see him again sometime. But I am in no rush either-
I mean I WANTED the chilling of that relationship that was/is not going anywhere.

I want the friendship

But the heart hurts when reminded that he loves me and I love him too. So I processed that and got over it

just needed time to process that.

And then last night at work I pulled out my guitar and happily learned to play "Have I told you Lately that I love you"

cause his birthday is coming up.

Recorded playing it.

Maybe will re-record but if not the version is not bad. ( Could be better if find time at home.)

It is a nice set up at that work for guitar actually- cause I can pull up the chord charts on the computer and there is this PERFECT footstool someone got and left under the desk that is ideal for guitar.

I should find one for home!

It was bought years ago by one of the older ladies who used to work there and left there!
It is PERFECT for propping the guitar up to be in the most comfortable position for me.

I am so pleased with my guitar skills! They are basic but I am good enough to learn most songs and strum and sing along.

Something I could not do a couple years ago!!

The one resident who loves to sing along came over and listened. It brought him joy too.

So this AM I awoke and listened to lessons 20 then backtraccked to 18 ( as think I left off somewhere around there....maybe will listen to a few prior as well.) of Marianne Williamson's A Course IN Miracles recorded lessons bought one year (last year?The year before?)
IDK now but I never got diligent to keep listening.

I do enjoy them when in the mood.
Basically if find myself negative it is a great tool for retraining brain to not be negative and think positive.

Every time I listen I think how that was so well done by the psycologist who wrote it to help those with trauma overcome some of the patterns of their faulty negative thinking.
Truly effective- I have seen it work for people.
My friend I walk with ( locally- not the gal from work but the other gal who I walk with along with her 30 yr old autistic son), is a huge fan of A Course in Miracles.
I think it has kept her at peace through much in her life.
I mean serious trauma.

The crap she lived through is intense
but she is literally one of the most chill peaceful persons I have ever met!

She reached out yesterday (or day before?) to walk on these beautiful days.

I was not up for it as wanted to hang home and try to do something, or if not doing anything at least be present with teens.
Just wanted to chill at home til had to work.

So today I really enjoyed listening to the Mornings with Marianne.

Message was that I am not alone in how I see the world.
(OH yes- this is why the negativity of one kid in my household infects the rest! Seriously!! I need to get them all on board with thinking more positively and not assuming the worst.)

It was so interesting as lesson 20 itself addresses what I think my KIDS NEED TO HEAR

How the prior 20 lessons were really unstructured cause they were not ready for that

and how they have to gently be introduced to the idea of training brain to be positive and they have to be WILLING and WANT To do something different
or they wont

So the course is intentionally like
Hey try this if you are comfortable

if not stop

and then after the person starts dabbling , at lesson 20 says

HEY you are still not happy and aspire to be

so here is the secret- just submit and be willing to be DISCIPLINED

so try this now

just follow the plan and see what happens.

Its like I am hearing the template of what I have been trying to do with my parenting of them!

I realized this at Lesson 20

Its literally my parenting approach!

I think I should keep listening. Maybe it will help us all if I do? *Heck Marianne Williamson and the Course believe so.
Purportedly it takes just one to shift the dominant paradigm in a space.

If it is true so clearly with the negative Nellie affecting all the siblings and then at times even me adversely (The narcissistic rants of the wounded do get depressing; the tendency to blow up in anger at the smallest thing- like not liking one's gift- in the middle of what is intended to be family time. That is such an echo of the maladaptive attention seeking behaviors' of the kid's father! So messed up)

The narcissist needs to be at the center of attention. Needs to be SEEN. Sure I suppose my insecurity also can manifest narcissistically as fear of not being uniquely valued and loved!
This is an absolute TRAUMA response.

So my kid who has the outburts' like their Dad
is in the moment actually gaslighting claiming I did not care about them
the attack of others as selfish
and as not giving a crap about others

The tirade of what I heard as absolutely awful verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse throw which came out of such a place of prior wounding and insecurity.


When I listen to A course in Miracles it helps me feel more centered and balanced and know that the best thing I can do is try to recognize the perspective of the other.

And its similar to what Dr. Romani- and the other Dr. who is an expert say on how to handle narcissism.

Just acknowledge the other's view point. Don't argue. Acknowledge the other person has validity in FEELING what they feel but as a received one does not have to also take on their anger.

I listened to some of those you tube videos while at work on Sat. And was surprised in a way that is what I had already done. I mean I could see how yeah my kid was hurt. I acknowledge I could see it.

The thing is their truth is their truth.

EVEN IF the other person's perception is OFF And they are projecting a bunch of things that are NOT True- can validate what can see as the other person's truth and can genuinely apologize for what one may have done to contribute to their pain.

I mean it is not that hard for me moving forward to not get scented products.

EVEN IF The assumptions of me don't giving a crap about the kid WAS FLAT WRONG.

As an example. It is not that hard to say "Sorry "
without taking on the responsibility of the kid's feelings-

and that their ANGER was not appropriate to the situation and their outburst was completely unfair to ruin the moment for everyone else is a

completely separate issue.

The response of deescalating in the moment of an over the top dysfunctional angry outburst designed to impload and ruin family time, and not taking on their emotions is key- that the other person needs to deal with how they feel
and learn to process feelings without de-railing everything else going on and being the center of attention and focus and making the moment ALL ABOUT THEM

and I can listen but don't need to absorb their anger- and also don't need to feed it but can reassure and de-escalate which might help the other learn to self regulate- cause I am not going to take on their stuff and no one else will either.

That is the key.

Not being angry cause the other is hurt/angry.

But also being open to listening and receiving the other's point of view while validating and being able to have empathy WITHOUT taking on responsibility of the other that is their's.

Some of these moments are autistic meltdowns it seems like to be honest at times, but not all. Some just feel very manipulative.

What is interesting in my family dynamic and challenging is that honestly is that I think I have a kid who is autistic, and another who at times shows autism like tendency but who I think may in fact just be a narcissist or possibly have other personality disorder co joined.

OK turning to Dr. Romani as she is REALLY GOOD

Didn't hear this one yet (Recently! Maybe heard in past?) but going to listen then start my day after the morning reflection.


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