2023-01-15 - 9:38 p.m.

OK, to finish the story of the ADHD moment of yesterday and typical ADHD Adventures.

But first- One of the most beautiful things I saw at the convention was a lady creating a sand medallion just like the Buddhist Monks do. I wished I had time to just stop and watch her. I did not unfortunately at all.

So after not really wanting to go to this thing at all on Saturday due to SHEER EXHAUSTION from the long day before.
After getting all my things done at home and resting sufficiently it was late when I finally felt READY To leave.
I took the train in and got there around 3pm.

So keep in mind I had to put in 10 hrs total of volunteer work to get in for free. I did three the day before. So I had to be on duty working for seven more hours.

I did them all Saturday night.

It was exhausting and I had no idea how I possibly was going to do it. I had called my son to chat and he heard how tired I was and said "You sound like you need to prioritize rest. Maybe worth it to just pay the admission and go get the sleep and rest you need?"

He was sharing how he needs to prioritize rest. He is successful but he also needs to take time to recharge. I explained no way, and that the ticket price is for the whole weekend festival and expensive ( relatively- I mean really not a bad price , something like $225 which for a whole four day event fair); out of my budget.

So I did the volunteer work. Then I went to enjoy the ONE THING i REALLY Wanted to try to do. I had ZERO energy for dance.

Oh to add, and sorry if TMI but hell if you read this far at all you likely have read before and KNOW I write TMI all the time as the whole POINT OF THE JOURNAL GENRE Really is a safe space to OVERSHARE with a group of random folks one will never know!!
HA HA A journal goes to no one, or strangers
and there is therapeutic comfort in the absolutely unfiltered authentic wiring and processing of events, emotions, understanding and interpreting self and experiences. time and place in, and even one's own body awareness.

SO speaking of body awareness
I also during this whole ordeal happen to have a month of menses not being normal but again exceptionally heavy. Thank God not hemorrhaging like heavy as it was so bad when I was in Buffalo the one time where my guy there was sweetly helping me do laundry all weekend; or as bad as when at work a couple times now when I had to bring extra clothes and literally changes and was washing my clothing in the bathroom and had a shawl for the chair I sit in at the retirement community. Good God one shift I was working and it was like crazy amounts of blood suddenly.

I have always been prepared and navigated this. It is stressful and aggravating.

YEAH PreMenopause sucks. And the weird medical issue causing excessive bleeding.

So sure I may be also emotionally a bit more reactive now as well.

At least the volunteer work ended up being kinda fun even though I had zero energy and felt absolutely physically and emotionally crappy going into it. Low energy definitely impacted by volumes of blood loss and low iron (even with supplement taken). One highlight was helping extend a dance floor! It was like a big puzzle adding square floor panels, having been handed a drill and screws and put on the team to update the floor for next day, screwing in the panels and moldings around the floor .

So the one event I wanted to try to attend, no matter HOW tired, was to go to the open music jam. I did go eat first in the volunteer room I just discovered ( thanks to one guy I had volunteered with coming by and telling me about it)! Two gals I was chatting with also did not know so all three of us followed him- he was on duty and just had washed the break room dishes and was bringing them back to it. PERFECT TIMING!

So I guess I just lost sense of time.
ADHD LIABILITY!
YUP
I was exhausted and hungry and cranky
but then we were FED WELL with delicious vegan food! It was seriously good! Creamy mashed potatoes. a lentil dish, roasted seasoned broccoli, an orange and great conversation with these five other folks who were in the space on ADHD!

Then after eating I LUCKED OUT that these two georgous fabulously dressed ladies were heading to the music jam! SO I was led by them to find it. ( This is critical for ADHD persons- social skills enough to have made friends that then say -"come with me, I am doing this" at the right time! It prevents getting lost for a little bit.
- one had on a gold crown as well as gold goat like horns, and then a tail but this incredible gold ornate necklace and glitter and makeup and was STUNNING
I Thought these two ladies were some of the AcroYOGA performers or some other artist presenting when I first met them. They were so flattered when I asked that of them and they said no, just volunteers but got all dressed up for the night theme party. They had theme parties- I wasn't even in condition to CONSIDER such. I mean It took alot of energy to get ready for the 40s party last weekend. My energy for that creativity can't be pulled two weekends in a row at this point. Its like I NEED recovery time after major social event for me. And that party was a major social outing considering we don't go out much at all in my household. But then Friday night I had the professional org Holiday Party that was rescheduled too. OMG it was just way too much for me.

So both Friday and Saturday during all my volunteer work and the Fri night professional party I had to be mindful of running to the ladies room frequently to refresh and put on a new pad. It was not thankfully once every 45 min to hr ( which is what it is on the WORST DAYS. One of those overnight pads ostensibly good for 15 hrs with maximum fluid capacity LAYERED for safe measure changed that frequently on the SUPER bad days of the worst months. I mean it is like hemorrhaging.)

But it WAS changing every two hrs or so all day long to ensure no leak issues.

Well on Sat night I ate, refreshed myself of course, and went up to join the music.

It was SO LOVELY as I walked into the room to see the circle of musicians. They were all on the floor on pillows all arranged. in a circular fashion.

I looked at logistics of the room and the circle- which was in one side of the room , yet others were filling in the other side laying lounging listening. My leadership skills kicked in and I could tell immediately they had to EXPAND the circle. I also knew that if I positioned myself and played in the right spot it would alone be a cue and others would come next to me and I could do that- as organically the ones who then end up in the center ( former edge) and the left side would figure out at some point best to widen or there would be a smaller circle in side a bigger one which would also work great BUT Either way BETTER Than the config of one circle and the others distanced in the other side of the room. (DOOR /Threshold in between).

I also had my jembe.
I needed a chair.

There was ONE chair in the whole room. It was at a table where a sound system connected to speakers AND A computer had been set up.

I really boldly looked at the config, looked around the room and gestured to the loungers the non verbal question if they knew who set it up and if they minded me grabbing the chair- then not used from behind the table. I got shrugs but no objection to the non verbal subtle exchanges * Keep in mind I do this all very quickly as I enter the space with confidence and quick decisioning. Its a skill I have! HA HA
Even in a large group non verbally- kinda being decisive but getting buy in for a decision and crowd sourcing to see if OK or not. I didn't notice it but I did it in the volunteer role naturally. A couple folks asked if I was in charge or staff. Most volunteers show up and we did get instructions but sometimes the staff was preoccupied or busy elsewhere and new volunteers would show up so I would orient them and we had a cohesiveness as a group. I somehow do this NON OBNOXIOUSLY ( Some are obnoxious. The mansplaining assuming boss attitude. I am not a man but I catch myself if I enter same vibe) But in a way this confidence is something some associate with masculine energy which is a fallacy based only on proscribed power dynamics of our society in the past. I have to look into if anyone has parsed that out. hmmm

So I swiftly got non verbal OK and picked up the chair and set it up to the right of the room on the OTHER side of the open door in threshold from where the circle existing was on the left side and joined them. I could see the drummers there ( no one else had a jembe. The two gals I followed up had pulled out percussion instruments, including an African goard and a set of bongos. They sat in the circle. I carefully positioned the chair and my drum and got into the zone as played.

It was really lovely. There was a beautiful singer playing what looked to me a Native style drum ( but just reminded me of that kind of native drum held in hand and I think was an Indian perhaps or of other Asian origin). She was singing in what reminded me of Indian music first along with guitar playing and a violinist that were so beautiful and at first sounded like Indian influenced music.

Very soon a fellow came in and set a pillow down next to me and got comfortable.

This was one of the most hilarious moments for me. He was a very attractive Asian man with georgous skin and hair and soft eyes and such a mellow happy demeanor and fun very hippy looking ( but like a rich guy who could pretend to be a hippy HA HA I mean that is the whole vibe. Its like professionals who have MONEY To go buy "the look" rather than the real look of the young in the 60s 70s.) He pulled out a silver goblet and poured red liquid into it. I assumed wine and commented on how it was so fabulous he brought such a beautiful cup to drink from. Then he said "It's pomagrante juice. I also have some CBD and mushrooms if you would like any".

I politely said no thank you

BUT I found this absolutely hilarious as when I was being really cynical about this event and talking with my kids before leaving, I was saying there were things I really was looking forward to and lots of great things but some things make me skeptical,

any my youngest said "The drugs"

I was like , "What? What are you talking about. No I wasn't even thinking about that. Nah I don't think it is that kind of event. Its a health and wellness seminar so doubt there will be much drugs there"

My kid LAUGHED and said "Health and wellness? OH YEAH There will be for sure!"

She was lauging and my naivety of the CBD Explosion I figured but when that happened it struck me so very funny. ( I did tell her of it when home which she too found funny. I added, "but it was not like at a DEAD show parking lot! I was right it was a mostly SOBER event! Not ABOUT drugs but there just happened to be the few that imbibed. OK- the MJ smell was palpable the moment you walked outside, and truth be told in the halls and foyer even in the night by the time I was leaving). One gal I clicked with I ran into later and her eyes were glassy and like saucers- which was appropriate since the theme was some outer space theme night thing then? OH yeah she was spacy. In that state she was thrilled to teach me basic zouk dance steps which of course I caught onto very quickly so this young georgous blond lithe zouk dancer and I were dancing a bit ( this was earlier in evening when working, before commencing clean up of the room after the sound healing ended. OH yeah- I got to attend the sound healing event I set up and broke down on Sat night which was fun.

So as far as I was dressed, I chose the very practical RED CHORDS - honestly think LLBEAN, conservative, warm (it was 21 degrees outside and remember I drove to station then took the bus and walked so needed to dress warmly).

I played the drum long enough to expand the circle ( as any new folks coming in the space sat to right of me; and long enough for me to get my fill and be content. I stopped when a young fella played two of his orininal songs singing with his guitar that were georgous. The first one literally made me cry when he started singing after talking about how hard it was for him to even GET THERE. He explained he had a heart condition and chronic illness and just wanted to thank this community for welcoming him as he finds the way he can related to others is through his music, and that really helps him heal and feel ok for a moment. The song was thanking for being his friend.
I hope someone posts their recording of it somewhere to be found!

I forget his name ( just as forget the names of all the cool people I spoke with except one- AVI is the man who spoke of his ADHD. I am presuming he is from NY bases on a couple of comments. There was this lovely teacher from Wisconsin there who is a dancer who came for the zouk workshops that I volunteered with I wished I recalled the name of as she and I and AVI had such a good time talking he said he would love to get together to continue our group conversation and I know it was genuine for all three of us. (Maybe they have opportunity over the next few days- I had not made it clear I was the local commuter! Kind like when on college the on campus folks bond and the commuter student show up a bit here or there but the mostly remain mysterious- a different species almost ! )

So once the room got really crowded and there started to be talking on the far right, with what I thought was a lack of respect- and someone reminded that was the silent room can they stop talking; and someone responded "It's not silent now but the music jam" as if that meant talking expected...

It was time for me to leave. I felt that physical sensation letting me know head to the bathroom to freshen up again... the rush of fluid which comes with large clots as well pretty often at times ( No time to suggest we take a vote using their language of "How would you like to co create this space? Allow talking during the jam session or clearly unless you are singing/ vocalizing to contribute to the music no talking?"
*That would be what I would have done if I were to have patience.. but you know I have LITTLE patience for lack of respect for music performance. When it erodes I find it time to leave.
In this case after their moment of that- honestly the next song picked was a crowd pleaser to pull all in but it was so poor in comparison to the prior GOOD music it was really time to go as I wasn't going to enjoy it anymore in addition to the physical need for me to suddently immediately stand and get up to go. I looked at the chair which was fine- as was feeling this experience in my body real time.

And headed to the restroom- to clean up the current gushing, and to find- DAMN
I sprung a leak.

Now this is where the ADHD impulsively got me in trouble.

For some it is things like excessive drinking, impulsive interactions of high risk behaviors- like drugs or sex etc... shopping binges

No for me I had lateness in past due to impulsive/compulsive urge to finish dishes etc.. not quite OCD but still just a moment of compulsion and impulsivity not thought out.

I HATE leaving blood on clothes to set and dry, I always wash it right away, I have this DOWN for managing the excessive heavy menses days at work. I wear these black polyester stretch pants which honestly are the easiest to clean and a fabric that dries rather quickly. It is not absorbent like cotton.

SO there I was in the ladies room in the hotel convention center cleaning my red chordoraoys.

YES I just HAD to wash the blood out. I was thinking of how I had to go sit on the train on the ride home . Like my brain was remembering my chair at work which got blood on it once and I disinfected and cleaned the heck out of it but since then have used paper towels, stacks of recycled paper, etc.. something to cover the chair when working and there is any risk.
The stupid thing is no one could SEE The stain. When I wash the pants at work, or the dress actually - I have a sport dress bought initially for a hiking trip which is an amazing outfit for when bike to work. I had that on once when got my period and it washed out fabulously and dries quickly by design.

So I scrubbed the blood out in the sink, then dried off the corduroy and put them back on. I didn't even feel self conscious as knew odds of anyone paying that much attention and even noticing if I walk quickly were low at that time. The afterparties were going on for hours by then.

But honestly ONLY THEN did I think "OH crap I have to catch the train! What time is the last one?"
I didn't even have my phone with me then I don't think. I had to walk back to the check in table for volunteers where I had stashed a bag with my things and my coat for safekeeping throughout the event. I did not carry my phone around with me all on Saturday ( safer and less likely to lose it and easier to not have to keep track of it!) Friday it was a bit of a pain to have it in my pocket.

So I went back to the front desk area check in and voluteer table to get my coat on and get ready to leave- and to check the metro schedule. It was midnight exactly as I was leaving. It took me a few minutes to look at the schedule on line. Looked like I could JUST make it if hurry. Went on my way and got to the subway and was thrilled the train was due in 2 minutes and I knew I could make it.

But I ran for it and realized I had no idea WHICH direction I needed it, so was not sure if I went the right way- and the train came and left as I was reading the map and then running upstairs then back down to the OTHER side of the platfrom where I thought I needed to be to catch the correct train.
Well I think I read the map again- and thought I was wrong and went back to the other side- and thought I knew where to go-
and hopped on the NEXT train

to find it was going in the opposite direction. So I hopped out at the next station.

And I waited for the next train-
and hopped on it

and it started going as I read the map IN IT and realized- THAT WAS GOING the wrong way.

I was so befuddled. I hopped of THAT train at the next station, which was not an underground one, but outdoors, in the 21 degree weather. And I was looking at the trains that come and go and there was NO TRAIN that comes to that platform that could get me to where I needed to go set to arrive. The last one coming through was the one in the opposite direction I hopped off of as the station closed at 1AM.

It was 1AM.

And I was in an outdoor empty station in a empty ghost looking like quite town. It was a NICE neighborhood at least with a shopping plaza with restarunts and stores ( Mall like) and a hotel across the street.

And I walked out and called an Uber
and paid $72 to get a ride from there ( somewhere in Arlington area- I have no idea where at this point. My Uber receipt might be able to tell me if I really cared to investigate further), to the station closest to my home where my car was parked. That was about a 45 minute ride.

It was 3am when I arrived home after the Uber ride, picking up my car, and then driving home.

This is a typical ADHD adventure. Just one example in the normal experiences of an ADHD person and the costs of ADHD.

I had thought initially I did not want to take the train but after driving there and seeing the metro station SO CLOSE to the venue then I had no fear of walking, even at night. I initially was a bit reticent to be walking alone at night when thought about it. But then the more I thought about it I realized THAT FEAR IS NEVER LIKE ME. I was thinking "When have I EVER been afraid to walk at night? EVEN in a city."

And I thought of times actually walking in the night in the city, The answer was NEVER.

OH NO- not true I was afraid twice. ONCE I recall-

I was ANGRY once and THEN FEARFUL- yeah when some dude did sexually assault me once in Buffalo NY grabbing my ass I think- maybe he was trying to feel for a wallet but that pocket was empty( I just gave him a quick reactive FIGHT hit - really, kinda reactively my fist flipped back and hit him- and I kept walking purposefully but was fearful AFTER wondering if he was following me or if just went away. I did not hesitate or look back. I think he was stunned as there was no way that was very hard.)

and the SECOND Time when a guy friend in college and I took the subway to the movies and then in coming home got off at the wrong stop and had to walk back home a few blocks. (Maybe we could have jumped back on it? We did not know- or maybe it was the last train? For whatever reason we just walked home, Pretty far at night.)

But I thought about it and was like. NAH, I am not afraid to take the train once realized the station was next to the venue, close- like 2 or 3 blocks away barely any walking.

It was strangely peaceful although cold out. The wind was blowing but honestly it was not as bad in those damp slacks as expected as I got HOT under my coat in the building once I put my coat on. The heat in the venue was higher than I keep it so I was super warm most of the day there. I saw just one other person, a Hispanic man walking by on his phone, and my instincts gave me zero concern from him whatsoever. He walked by minding his own business.

The moon was out and it was actually a place that felt very still and calm. It would have been lovely but for the cold wind and fact of the experience being expensive!

Now off to bed. I will surely sleep well tonight! I ended up not ever falling asleep for a nap today. I slept last night from just around 3am ( a bit later- I did take a quick bath before bed! VERY FAST!)
But 3:15 I would say until 8:30. I Not quite 5 hrs of sleep.

This is the thing I don't understand about my kids. If you stay up late I find it so much better to STILL get up early and then just go to bed early that night if you have to,

Heck maybe I did fall asleep when rested today. You know how sometimes folks fall asleep but don't realize it? I likely did! Cause I just realized the hour and I have been TIRED but not drop dead tired not able to keep eyes open.
It was a nice relaxing day where I did nothing other than go to church this morning and then watched some Netflix. I finished The Chosen which was surprisingly good! It exceeded my expectations.

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