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2023-01-18 - 2:45 p.m.

I am so tired now. It feels very defeating after spending hours on a task, to have the ADHD moment of just plain FORGETTING the prior multiple experiences so should have known better

That I can not use the BACK button to go back and fix anything in the VEC system.

AND That when they show you the DRAFT of all your data input it offers CANCEL or SUBMIT

and not be a perfectionist and try to fix something I did not like the phrasing of-

as if hit CANCEL

as the system DOES NOT just send you back to the populated screen to fix the data

In cancels aLL OUT to have you START OVER AGAIN. I mean you lose all the answers to all the questions asked. It is the dumbest designed system.

and THEN

at some point you get a system error and bumped because of the operational problem that if the system BUMPS YOU and you go back in it thinks there are two distinct users trying to use the same user name concurrently
and its a fraud protection thing....

so you get bumped.

I just feel EXHAUSTED every time I have to pull all the info and input it and then lose the page.

I mean TWICE

SURE this is an ADHD perfectionism thing. Sure it is the ADHd short term and even longer term memory issue of the ADHD brain really HAVING no memory of things even when done over and over again

its like the learning does not stick in the moment of hyperfocus about some other thing

EVEN IF KNOW the thing itself- like how the crappy designed operation system works

when focused on the CONTENT the brain hyperfocuses and forgets all other stuff.

Its so annoying as stupid mistakes are made but not just once, again and again.

I suppose it is in part the impulsiveness thing? The inpulsivity of my thinking "OH that reasponse could be better" then clicking assuming the system would behave like OTHER systems even though I know better. Cause I did not slow down enough to assess and think through what I know about the sytstem.

The day is late already. All I tried to do was the VEC crap.
The filing for last week and justification questions- basically the damn busy work which is the same EVERY DAMN TIME I FILE so why the hell do they ask the same quesitons OVER AND OVER AGAIN but never read them and assess and make a judgment?

IT is so crazy.
Busy work makes me crazy when I could be doing actual productive things like job hunting or hell even practicing guitar or creative writing.
or eating.

I am hungry and cranky too I suppose but just felt like venting again to get it off my chest. I guess THIS IS HOW I PROCESS MY EMOTIONS


I write

it works for me.
I just find it super depressing when I can;t find a job and there are folks who literally stormed our Capitol with weapons seeking a freaking insurrection of our govt who are working

I mean what the hell?

I know I have challenges. I am well aware of them. But I have integrity.

They only cause me to have to work HARDER and get shit done twice not once- or have the re-do. I catch most mistakes. OR they are not huge ones others catch and then they are not fixed. Somone told me once I make no more than others but I just call them out. I am AWARE and mention them.

They said not to do that.

I think this is why I love working for myself or in a dept of ONE BUT ONly when it is in an actual collaborative team.

Honestly I have been in roles where the team all worked together and then other teams where they did not like when I tried to get their buy in at all
It just made them think me incapable when that was not it at all.
I could easily be decisive and make decisions
BUT I prefer to lead by getting buy in.

It is funny how I think one has to learn to read the room as to what style works in each space.

Think I am going to take a nap. The chior director is fatigued and cancelling practice. I think he has post COVID issues frankly. He caught it and thought better then tested postive again and frankly has been struggling since.

Its a real thing- this dysautonomia and the POTS that many Post COVID are left with.

The POTS in my kids while of course genetic- as have to have the genetic predisposition ( there are EDS markers. MCAS too...) is also known to be TRIGGERED by viruses.
So until one catches a nasty virus they may not know they have the predisposition. Conditions have to exist for the ailments to manifest.

I am disappointed for him that he is not feeling well.

Any myself tired. going to make some calls to the Dr. offices again - I called over lunch hour yesterday do no further progress on scheduling as they never called back. I have two - one for me and one for one kid.

Then a nap may be in order.
Then a walk to get awake again and cook some dinner. I did have a couple nice walks with Bellatrix already today. .We got up at the crack of dawn which was fun actually ( then went back to sleep after some time up so had one nap already today!).

I just can not imagine commuting and having a long drive. I got word I am not being considered further after yesterday's interview. I am relieved in a way as that commute to work in office Mon through Fri which they wanted was feeling overwhelming and not the job I WANTED. If offered I would find the way to find the positive and find the energy to get excited about it.
BUT I am relieved truth be told.

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