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2023-02-17 - 3:07 p.m.

Life is so funny!

After the dump of the seriously only MOMENTS of crazy thought

I mean it was just seconds of the ideas that are PTSD triggered crazy

and then took way longer to capture them

*The brain can move fast sometimes

and this it not even hypomania

NO I know what that feels like

I am not having any of the ANXIETY or rapid thinking rapid speech I mean despite the crazy moment

I am in a chill relazed state actually.

SO I get that out to be healthy and NORMAL

(journaling or running or swimming seriously WORK for me Sure therapy might help perhaps with EMRD and actual therapy stop the triggering so worth persuing but I FUNCTION but for ruminations once in a while as my act of self care. It way better than those who self sooth my substances! HA or sex ! (OK I am not opposed to that... but I mean in addictive or dangerous high risk ways Peeps use condoms)

So I shift gears and Very Quickly GET IN FRAME OF MIND OF BEING EXCITED To get away for a couple days and in particular excited to see my guy!

I mean he is a wonderful guy.

And I get in the frame of mind that hey tonight we are going to an event which might actually be super fun, and could be a serious sexy turn on...


AND I get ready. Pull out the clothes from drawer and part of closet not used so know they are not suspect- I mean the sealed ones Find thing that ALL Fit in ONE BAG know not at risk and find a coat that has not been used in some time from the downstairs closet- careful curating of bag and coat and clothes that are low risk for being unsuspecting carriers of bed bugs ( cause none are in the area those are found in!)

some sexy lenigouei included... get a cute outfit-- OK the stretch black jeans are not fitting like they USED to but still look ok

And I am IN MY CAR, perfumed, make up on, thinking I have MISSED him actually and thinking of the event for tonight

Tix to a comedy show where topic is..

I mean he may not be ROMANTIC in speaking of love

even if you get to phase of friendship love

but he sure is into a good romp and a good lover

Truth be told When the CONDITIONS are right. I need full attentiveness and presence. Not distraction from him OR ME.
I think I am just sensitive when he is thinking of someone else or something else and I selfishly want respectful full presence. I am not in the mood for physical connection if don't feel EMOTIONAL connection.
So I get in the head space I don't WRITE OF as oft as the moments of the dark need to let go of.

I am thinking with EXCITEMENT how great it will be to see my guy.

I have not seen him since helping him move and that was all about being a friend helping him move. It was all work, in the zone of get it done and try to give him respite and rest as he had so much going on that week so I let him sleep No advances on either of our part that weekend That was NOT what that weekend was about ( despite his hint at that suggesting I come and spend the first night with him in his new place. When the invite was given there was an overt interest in us enjoying EACH OTHER which WE DO... but hell it was not practical... and he had much to do and his bestie who I love coming to help. He also has much deeper attachment and love of her truth be told (albeit not sexually) and so as much as I love her and enjoy seeing her and like when all three of us are togehter I am VERY MUCH the third wheel and so fine with that in that context.
I mean you have to respect besties come first. REALLY
and they SHOULD
I mean they are there through lovers...

like a kid should come first
or a pet who is like your kid really takes priority of care

YOUR FAMILY has to come first she is really his fam along with his dog. Sure they are not lovers but nonetheless they are like a family in my mind with as deep bonds.

So ok with all that.

But I was getting in that frame of mind....
and in the car...

and a text comes in from my 20 yr old.
"staying with friend for weekend"

What? I mean just moment ago the kid was in their bedroom. The dog was on the couch sleeping in the living room after the nice walk. I thought of opening the kids door to give dog to kid but opted not to wake them.

I go back to the house, basement door open- dog obviously downstairs,
text "where are you?"

go look and see the empty room upstairs

Get text back of name of friend- who lives a good distance and drove to pick up my kid HA HA


And I am HAPPY they are off with their friend. I call and they pick up and we have e a conversation really good one actually- no one upset
Me asking "Do you recall I asked both you and your sister if it would be OK if I went to my guy friends for a couple days?"

"Oh- yeah... I forgot"

So what happened is both kids said SURE! Both were fine with me being gone

BUT both then also had opportunities to go away this weekend and BOTH said YES to that and did not think of perhaps the implicit responsibility of Bellatrix,
I was not EXLICIT in saying "So you are OK taking care of the dog? YOU HAVE TO WALK HER"

20 yr old apologized which was nice. Asked is the 18yr old could just do it alone.

So typical forgot the 18 yr old was gone. I mean maybe even there was no communication between THEM and the 18 yr old ( who went off with her Dad) did not tell their 20 yr old sibling of the plans.

Communication fail.


this is at least a shift
and we can work on a calendar or a system of better communication.

That is a good problem to have for my household! The problem of everyone going out!

My guy not upset. (I am positive he can go solo and have a good time, he might even prefer that for this event truth be told- It a Meet up organized event to go see the comedy show. He might have FUN being there solo but it is also so lovely that he wants to do things as he has said AS A COUPLE. I LIKE being a couple with him. I like the feeling we are developing and actually IN a relationship (even with open borders and fluidity).

All good.

He was gracious about my situation. I called and said one of two possibilities to think about-

a) Can I bring my dog for the weekend. Bring her little kennel or
b) come now but then after the event I drive back home and just come out tomorrow again for the event tomorrow)

He said let me think about it and get back to you in a minute- he was checking out and doing clean up at the old condo for sale in the shared areas he is responsible for.

He called back and said he had a long week and is tired anyway and knowing my car situation suggested why don't we just cancel tonight and I just drive out tomorrow as NO I can't bring the dog- he has his dog who does not like other dogs.

I still think a dog date would be great. Get the dogs to meet each other at a park and introduce them to each other.

Because I have not seen his dog unfriendly to other dogs at all. I just see his dog BARK excitedly! He has no self control for sure but I feel like if the dog meets the other dogs then would stop the barking and play. I read the dog's behavior just as initial anxiety but seems very normal for some dogs- and if you let the dogs just do their thing they often can get along.

I mean his dog plays with his sisters' dog.

I also have conditioned my dog to not be afraid of black labs

He has a black lab.
One bit my pup when a pup. It was a black lab puppy on the Nashville trip when my one daughter and I traveled with Bellatrix .
I accidentally took us all to the BIG dog park! HA HA Not the little dog park next to it!


Bellatrix became the dog toy the other dogs chased. The lab picked her up and ran with her in her mouth like a toy. While a pack of dogs ran behind. It was both funny to watch and terrifying as the lab puppy acted like Bellatrix was a toy.

SO that pup CLEARLY had some stuffed toys and I swear as a pup my adorable Bella looked like one. There was nothing MEAN or threatening in the other dogs behavior- just rough play.

So I have sat here and ate some chips salsa and cheese and now since yes we cancelled plans
so realized
CANCELLING the best idea as I can either

a) find an exterminator to come tomorrow ( if possible!)

OR at least do it myself and pick up MORE foggers and then I can set off three and bomb the heck out of the upstairs. The one bedroom is clean. The 18 yr old is tidy.

So honestly I am doing laundry TONIGHT. YES the FRI Night laundry date.
and cleaning.
and then tomorrow- while kids out, after having cleaned my space upstairs
Will put off the fumigator in all the room. The 20yr old did straighten their room last weekend or the weekend before much better then they had in a while. I wil not clean there or in the 18yr old's room and will respect their boundaries BUT FOR doing whatever the exterminator says to do if I get one.

If I don't find one I will touch the obvious

Pick up obvious trash WHICH the 20 yr old DID before trash day this week anyway.

I won't touch their stuff-


and will just look to be sure no dishes or food items to be removed.
* I am rather sure that room is the one safe from having caught the bed bugs but will do that anyway proactively so they don't run from the one space to migrate there which is what happens if don't treat the WHOLE area.

Oh now that think about it- I know from PAST professional exterminators- want to wash baseboards first and move all items away from walls so that the baseboards and cracks are ACCESSIBLE to the chemicals...
YEAH I will do just that to extent can.
I know that has to be done. Easy enough in the one room and if possible can do in the other but if not possible not touching that kid's stuff as that room is not high risk and DO want to respect boundaries to the extent possible and practical BALANCED with the need now to use common sense and take care of this issue and the kids can just get over their discontent.

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Bella ( I am switching to kickname for dog when write- it is shorter and easier) is healing OK!! - 2023-02-23


My little doggy was bit! She has been resting and not her usual self understandably - 2023-02-20


But swear not crazy - 2023-02-18


- - 2023-02-17


YEAH have an exterminator coming. Should call another for at least another estimate if I can get one more available but you know with my situation GETTING IT DONE When kids gone greater priority for me than cost frankly! - 2023-02-17