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2023-02-26 - 3:36 a.m.

Hate the waking up in middle of night thing!
I am enjoying reading The Book Thief, and read that before bed.

But I also picked up Henry and June and have been carrying it along with that book in intent to try to finish it. So picked that up when awakened this AM- and Anais' neroticism in the middle of this book gets tiring which is likely why I never finished it. I just want to finish it for a change- so tried to read it in the middle of the night to get through to the end. (I feel like I have gotten 3/4 through but never finished!)

But then she gets to the part of talking of her love for Henry ( after her narcissistic need to be center of attention and the rush she got having the multiple men in her life all at one event. He ego stoking and sense of control clear... WOW just narcissistic need for multiple men to desire her. Its like her whole sense of self was centered around how men viewed her. Can't relate to that.),,, but then I get to the part of her talking of her love for Henry
and well that doesn't make me get tired... and want to fall asleep.. it wakes me up.

and I get to this one line, which is a clue she was not the liberated woman many think her. She was submissive in her sexual exploration
following her lover's lead. being guided in her growth:
"From Henry I conceal the fact that I rarely get sexual satisfaction because he likes my legs wide open, and I need to close them."

OK so this is EARLY in the journals.. but the celebrated sexually free Anais Nin did not let her celebrated lover, I mean this is one of the most celebrated and honored and envied love stories, right? YET She did not let her lover know he was not bringing her to orgasm.


Her writing is beautiful. The arch of her developing her sexuality is lovely as it is captured. From her very timid initial physical nature- I mean she was all seduction in her flirtation and interaction with men, but then honestly needed to learn to enjoy her sexuality. There was a disconnect between her sensuality and the acutal comfort of physicality once she found herself alone with men AT FIRST which she had to overcome. She initially had, despite her filirtations, a timidiity and shyness she wrote of- prior to her blossoming.

But it was a surprise to me that even after that ( or during ) the sexual awakening of her, she did not let her lover know HER needs for HER pleasure. She prioritzed her lover's pleasure. Fascinating to me- how she was not as liberated and FREE as I think I assumed ( by the time with Henry).

or that there was not a mutuality- I mean a real fusion of both her and her lover's plesure.

Women's pleasure was not centered EVER at that time it seems if one of the most sexually libarated women of the time did not center her own pleasure, even in her seeming narcissistic pursuit of being the center of attention socially- There was a distinct shift when then interpersonally interacting. When alone with a man, she was shy. She acted modest then at times ( initially). But once she did have trust of being the lover- She wrote of her child like nature and her seeming to be the woman/child and that seems apparent in that one fact that her own pleasure of the nature of HER orgasm was never articulated.

Then again there is a pleasure in pleasing one's lover that can overshadow any personal need for one's own pleasure. I suppose they become one and the same often (at least for me) So I can understand that
I mean
how if one is truly comfortable and loving and as she said in love- how one could not communicate what they like
when aware of pleasing one's lover-
and that at times being enough
to be satisfied

But I guess it just suprised me HER AWARENESS Of this fact of knowing with such clarity what SHE responds to physically/sexually
and her not communicating it! Yet she further explains "I don't want to diminish his pleasure. Besides , I get a kind of disseminated pleasure which, even if it is less keen, lasts longer than an orgasm" The submission willfully chosen as her act of love to prioritize her lover's pleasure, and perhaps that gave HER great pleasure as well and therefrore she chose that over her own orgasm. But it just surprised me. I had to think about it as it so very much surprised me she would not have shared her own knowledge with her lover. I mean why would her pleasure in any way diminish Henry's? That is the assumption I had a hard time wrapping my mind around- that SHE THOUGHT that at some level.
Her writing "There are always secrets" is fascinating too.

That just seems disappointing/ odd to me in a way- yet suppose also so very true for us all.
No one person can be one to give all one needs. I believe to expect such is to be unrealistic and expect too much!
So being content with what one can find joy in giving to others, and content with the reiporicty of what one CAN give you is a key to being happy in a realtionship and being able to let go of the rest of the lovely things that are great, but non essential is pretty key.

But it just surprised me she did not share that knowlege of herself physically with Henry (at least at that point in time).

Now to sleep again... writing did the trick and made me tired.


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