2023-05-20 - 9:45 a.m.

Found Poem
(While looking for car repair/service history in file cabinet. Why is the file cabinet such a MESS?? I swear I reorganized it not that long ago. I also TOSSED a bunch of shit I did not think would need. And yes distinctly recall throwing out service records. It was the letting go ; starting to accept reality my car may die and I have to stop driving a car that only goes 60mph at some point. It was a moment of hope that I would land a full time role with benefits and even enough stability to either a) save cash quickly enough to buy a car outright after about a year- as in my mind the fab high paying job is in bike commute/lyft on occassion practical distance...OR be confident it is stable enough to buy a car on loan and not freak out at the monthly payment added to monthly obligations. I have such a fear of obligations apparetnly Financial or in reference to relationships....other than kids. No fear of those obligations. But prioritize them, even for the shitty at times abusive bratty one of mine who I think might grow up and somehow rediscoverer who they WERE for YEARS. The once HAPPY KIND person is in there somewhere. I know it.)

So I am going to take just a few moments to do a thing here.

It is to remind me of the part of myself I am suppose to intentionally take time to nurture when so blessed to HAVE free time and not be absorbed by work that is all consuming and soul sucking.

I am going to write poetry. YES I keep saying I am going to do it but realized the times I did do it were when my once kind and loving husband was being kind and loving and supportive of me having space to do that.
And not when he was in the imposive moments of red hot anger episodes

Which can not help but recognize as absolutely CPTSD Family abuse systems BS redisual fall out from family wars long fought long before him still raging internally like in the DNA
I just hope to have broken the cycle

Everytime I am gentle in response and remind my kid to not be an asshole.

And patiently wait for my kid to not be an asshole

and try to reassure with love and support

that no you won't be abandoned
or abused

and I remind myself that their pain and hurt is not their fault

And try to focus on the moments they are fully present in my sphere without anger

OK but came here not to write about the kids I love so dearly I worry about them

and recognize I really do write of the ugly moments to process and get through them and of course when happy have no NEED to write

So I am not here writing about the beautiful singing and dancing of the siblings in joy and companionship

YES they did that.

YES the three were happy and had fun and really did get along and cooked and played their gam Genshin Impact
(so what if they are addicted and obsessed at times....

At least I know the oldest of these three knows it. I discovered a paper that kid wrote about how they recognized and overcame it

It was a good paper for school and it gave me hope as I packed up the remainder of their stuff left in the basement. So what if I also discovered three or more years of prescription meds that I dropped off at the Sherriff office box to return them-
all sorts of things- for regulation of Mood; and pain relief; and regulation of heart and blood pressure...etc...
cause that kid was on Ratadine which got pulled as discovered caused cancer and the kid was sure that all doctors are careless and doesn't trust any of them anymore...
oh but so what if that was only pulled in 2020 and the dates on those pill bottles were even older than that; cause it was years before that that one kid refused all meds; all treatment refused so when drove to theraoy and paid for a no show fee once again I decided time was to be dedicated instead to just picking up that kid and taking him to lunch for Asian food and bonding...

so what... if there are so many flaws and worries and moments of impefect parenting and imperfect dealing with having grown up with abuse in my kids...such that sometimes there are moments...)

They are not the domiant moments. I have to remember to document that fact.

They are all very real and there BUT They are not the dominant moments.

They are the ones I need to process in a way that works for me

in a way that is NOT a burden to others in my life.

I just don't beleive in dumping my problems onto others. Despite the fact some have found me to be TOO MUCH cause I do talk alot. It is a funny thing

Cause in my interpersonal relationships with men ( the ones who complained of that) I find the reality is I have listened to THEIR NEEDS and supported them and when I do talk alot the funny thing is that it was never complaining; never putting the SHIT Of my life on their plates. Never expecting them to take care of my stuff.

But at some level I think I never let any man take care of me. And I think the men I was invoved with to be honest are wanting to be NEEDED in that way. I just never did overtly need them but yet at the same time when DID NEED THEIR SUPPORT and asked then they were not there. That is the painful part for me. That when I asked there was not support.

SO I get it when my bestie was upset that when she asked for particular help her friends somehow can't just offer it but offer only help when it is aligned with what they want.

Like write the damn letter for her when that is the help she asked for as she deals with her stuff. EVEN if there is little hope that action would work. It is what she wanted to do when faced with a particular challege and I should have seen it as a warning

OMG I swear when I type my brain just flows. Long hand writing is said to have even more benefits. I should do it more if only cause then I am not loquatiously vomitting on this PAGE as I mean... really
No one wants to read this. So at this point in life since I don't have to worry about privacy

I finally DO have that in the safety of my own home.
I really should shift to the rambles being in long hand!

I CAME HERE AGAIN with one clear thought:

I need to get back to writing poetry.
Cause in the drawer I found my work.

And you know what
it is damn good.

Seriously I found a piece written in 2002 and was like DAMN I CAN write really descriptively and capture with clarity a moment
with such vivid imagerly
and effecctive metaphor
and nuance
and suprise
and a gut punch in a way to stop your breath as you read

but in a really good visceral way
with complexity and questions arising

Sometimes.

Small moments.

But they have happened and those are the moments that I know I should take a damn class on writing poety and learn the skills to hone for my own self and others

So here to make a plan.

I met an author, An author of 65 published Children's Books. YUP
She loves it. She works for a publishing company. They give her a topic and she writes a NON FICTION book for kids which is sold to schools and libaries.

She was shocked to see her books actually are selling for up to $35 a piece; cause hardcover library bound. I think the cheapest was $25
She said she never looked at them before to see what selling for.

She is not making a killing. BUT she is published.
AND she DOES NOT have an exculsivity agreement. So she has also published elsehwere and can.
She can self publish- she has a name for self.

BUT she is content doing what she is doing.

She said "You could do this too."

She saw me reading the book on how to write a memoire.

I told her of the project that my friend wants me to help her write her memoire.
I said "She has an interesting story. Many have told her she should write a book"

She said
"You have an intersting story too."

Oh but if only she knew... HA HA She has zero clue I am sure!!

She also brought her mom to meet me; who lives there-
where I am working at the nursing home,
and said "I think you met your accountability partner"

I asked " your mom?"

and by the look on her face realized it was not her mom she was talking about likely - although she was talking of how much her mom loves to read. I think it was HER

and I misread the cue.

She told me that once she and a bestie decided to write novels together and came up woth a plan and a schedule and a deadline.

She said at some point , her life- her being a mom with three kids; and a contract to write the childrens' books- paid work; etc... marriage, care for mom etc...
it became clear to her she would NEVER be able to finish.

She said she knew one thing. That she needed to keep up the PRETENDING she was on track and keep up the calls and DO SOMETHING with her accountabilty partner as she said she understood the most important thing a writer can have is someone else that coaches them and motivates them to get it done when they don't feel like it sometimes.

THIS is why MFA programs work to get a product done... or started.

This is why some get half a novel written when in the MFA but if they are not done when leave many of those are unfinished. MANY NEED The accoutability parter of a structure build in.

I KNOW I NEED IT.

I am not good at BEING IT FOR MY KIDS as they don't want me to be that for them and trouble is
THEY NEED IT TO

Not sure what it is about us but we have trouble doing things JUST FOR OURSELVES

OK do know what it is - abuse/trauma leaves one in more fragile state of sense of self. Less confident alone YET also afraid to be placing trust in others. Tough thing to overcome BUT the way to overcome it is to COMMIT

TO SOMETHING

So I don't like commiting to relationships with men
BUT I can commit a job

and I can commit to myself.

I just need to set up the accounaily partner.

Music lessons worked Even if I was lazy and undisciplines and some weeks did not practice. I showed up. That was one day that week I learned. I practiced if only during the lesson some weeks

BUT I made progress.

I need that structure.

SO after a year.

Finding my decent poem.
I mean GOOD POEM

It is freaking good and I know it. Sure it can be better. Sure I could likely edit this thing 10 times... I could find others to help and edit the one damn poem 10 more.

BUT the first iteration is darn good itself.

I have some talent and know I should commit to myself.

So yeah. I am almost done with my binge of Friday Night Lights.

I have been loving that show.
Hell it was worth the emmy

Or was it nomination? I could have sworn one episode DID win an emmy

But now I am seeing seasons 4 and 5 nominated for such and other awards? But just see nomination? I feel like that was not my imagination, I had in my head Season 4 episode 5?? As an award winner?

I just watched all of season 4

I have the last of that show to watch and think I will not binge while at work killing time passively. (I know a writer and honestly just wanted to see her great work.)

I am reading and picking up books but it is really just procrastinating and avoiding doing the work.

I know what I have to do.

I have to buckle down and do the work.
I should ask her if she is really willing to be my accountability partner.

She said she was so pleased when her FRIEND finished her novel.

This lady has written two novels. No publisher yet wanted them and she said she can re-write and send out again,,,and again... but is content just keeping generating new work and likes the books she gets to craft. She kinda loves it.

Of course she wrote the book for kids on COVID.
I need to go to work thinking of this part time night job as my time to write.

I heard it from her and others- "What a great job for a writer"

YES The full time gal at the main place worked for years is a writer. She has self published 4 books and is excited the art is being done for the cover of her 5th. She finally send out some query letters in the last year and I hope she gets over the fear of sending her WHOLE book to publishers to consider.

She had someone interested in her pitch but she was afraid to send her whole book. I think in publishing that is the way it works. you have to trust the industry!

She has on line followers. She sells books on Amazon. She is talented. I enjoyed reading the first few pages of her latest novel.

It is so fun to see a young writer so in her zone of loving what she does. But she WRITES all the time.

She is such the introvert. Clearly neurodivergent and I so apprechiate this gal. She gives me hope. She is as onery and cranky and dislikes people in general as much as my one kid (HA HA) yet she masks and is friendly and helpful and not self centered for her work job
and then gets to be in her fantasy world in her head and also capture it on paper in the stories she crafts

WHICH ARE GOOD!

Its so fun to see her in her zone
in a job she has settled into
paying for her own apt
Waking at 10 or 11 AM to get coffee and start her day , take care of her own home and go to her full time job as the receptionist
where she settles in;
answers phones
and plugs in her external drive to the computer

and Writes.

Two novels written during COVID. Two written prior-
and I think her 5th just about done.

YEAH An evening reception role is perfect for writing. Its like you have an office to go to without having to pay rent.

Less interruptions of thoughts than AT HOME in a way! HA HA Less distraction.

I mean it is easy to route a call and be helpful for the few minutes that folks come in.

So I am grateful for this part time gig. I am going to try to make good use of this time. I also think perhaps the meeting the published author on week 1 of the job was something I should not take for granted.
She has done some teaching/events etc around town I can avail myself of if they happen again as well. Good to have a person to inpire me.

I have to remember WHY I wanted to work only part time drafting contracts and not waste the opportunities persented to me cause only worrying about my kids. I need to help them but not be ABSORBED by their needs.

So here is the thing. Carve out time dedicated in my schedule for music practice ( to keep that skill up and continue to develop it) AND dedicate the part time work time to WRITING. Not wasting it.

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