Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2023-06-09 - 9:05 p.m.

Fucking PTSD or Bipolar
Or Complex Bipolar that can cause symptoms

I get afraid of having a man in my life if I am attached emotionally, at the slightest PTSD trigger.

This can be good
When trigger is real:

As in Tony

Or bad when it is my overactive imagination.

* but again based on tangible real things.

I will use a very remote past example.

I mean when I am on brink/ cusp of not being able to get by, after getting help from family when at risk of not being able to pay my mortgage

I think of the caretaker job My friend June was offered which she could not take but offered to me. I do enjoyed caring for the gentleman who served our country and was hurt in liine of duty.

Some opportunity manifests JUST when I need it.
If feels like an angel is watching over me.

But I think angels are real people on this earth.

Serendipity at first because of my deep faith strikes me as God given

But when there is just an abundance of it, and it feels do orchestrated ( I mean really I share my PERSONAL life here

Including just the fact I support both fed and commercial work

But do not ever violate NDAs

It's not a violation to say I carve out and seek to curate projects aligned with my values

Especially honestly if the work happens to be public.....Its not secret thst there is such....I don't give specific details to anyone of the company or a proposal or contract EVER

But to say ots freaking amazing some of tge work doing is feeding my soul is something I am going yo articulate here and in person yo the few friends I have for the last time.

I don't want the temptation
And my possibly overactive imagination kicks in and then the rational part of my brain considers possibilities of me trusting too much abd being baited.

Oversharing from OTHERS is a red flag.

Ok so first red flag of Gandalf for me is his quick sharing of some personal things which I will not mention I never spill others secrets. Fucking great at that.

But for the fact he overshared. Oversharers do so with INTENT of creating a feeling of safety so YOU will share.

I do have alot of stress and feel vulnerable abd really DO need support so am trying to balance getting it from family and friends while being open yo this man in my life. But I do npt eant him to be the savior sweeping in and taking on things thst are my responsibility. I can't be saved! Don't want to be and yet feel like both he and bestie did save me to some extent! They cane in abd net my immediate needs.

Very Maslovian of course as easy to fall (maybe not real love )with your provider of security ! ( Again Hadestown covers this idea so well!!)

But when someone shares more information I have no need to know it makes

" Doubt creep in"

And the emotional slots of the world overshare to get close as they need that intimacy bit rush it. So despite the fact we are taking physical slower than many, setting boundaries, which are based on each of out comfort levels
And despite feelings
I need to be very conscientious to not overshare.

At the sane time fair and I think essential if I AM ever to have a healthy relationship with a man

I HAVE to disclose early on some core things about me
So a man may choose take it or leave it

AnD I need to know enough to see if any deal breakers for me.

Deal breakers;

I just can't do it.

Not for a relationship I would consider more serious in the sense of offering commitment.

I know this is the reason of my very practical and frankly well thought out polyamory. It keeps me emotionally unavailable for a deeper and Interdependent relationship.

I think the reason for attachment to Michael is two-fold:

I did not meet him here. No orchestration or agenda but my own in my seeing and being attracted to how he loved his girlfriend. ( I flirted with him years later AFTER his breakup and had not tet known he is an alcoholic). .

Yet, I am learning that with real love sometimes early on there is a natural desire to spend as much time with the beloved object of both desire ( that is just a part of it??) And one a person in love feels the unexplainable soul connection with.

That feeling you have known the person forever.

But how hard to CURATE if literally find out about the person? I mean really. I feel like I could play my cards and time things MANIPULATIVELY and INTENTIoNALLY with men although zero interest in doing do.

If you eant yo manipulate , #1 rule is don't move too fast. Allow space. Lol. Which I have not done all that well.... so this could crash and burn...

Yet something about this man feels different and authentic and honest. That meeting and throwing reason to the wind and being Godsmacked by love. ( if I used thst work correctly, which I may not have). Other moments are almost too much like orchestration in a dance choreographed

I mean too perfect

As to make me skeptical

Along with some things that raise questions I don't have a satisfactory genuine answer to those questioms raised in MY head offered and that kicks up my doubt.

This Is precisely why Hadestown is so brilliant. It captures all this richly The falling in love
And the doubt.

My freaky life story is just that. Moments of freaky unexpected and unexplainable happenings I have trouble fully finding explanation for.

But the PTDS panic of fear is one think I know REAL.

For me a trigger COULD be a factual true belief if something scary I figure out

Or an overactive imagination. Does not seem on level of delusion when consider a POSSIBILITY that could be real

Which all started with how to rationalize the panic and fear conjoined with actual deep love of me found in my second husband!! I FULLY understand some motivations behind his vIolence were LOVE and FEAR for his beloved family's safety. But the anger that resulted stoll has a few missing pieces of explaination.

And it doesn't fucking matter the truth OR NOT if the PTSD trigger

It keeps me healthy to keep an eye on when they occur

Capture then

Data really
Looking for patterns serves me well

First and foremost

Data of when triggered and frequency and impact on my mental and physical health are important to analyze

And to get professional help
To remain well.

Trigger being possible real or all my imagination is no matter. Either become a REAL trigger!

Someone's reality is what they believe

And to address their reality and make them well and able to function is everything.

Oh and more brilliance of Hadestown:

It demonstrates the forgiveness when your loved one let's doubt set in

And the fact for some that happens more readily when apart.

( Funny for me, never doubt in relation to my Buffalo guy. Just acceptance and my choice to not persue or try to lead to more, abd my choice to pull back when he initiates the conversations of that option. He has done so.... I can't sign up for thst pain of ever again watching a beloved spiral into either alcohol or drug addiction. CLEAR RIsk of either OR evidence of a ptobkem a deal breaker for me. YET COMPLETELY sober men are also a red flag!! The teetletoller will be attracted to the sober woman who never or very rarely drinks!)

For me I have never experienced doubt

I mean I am clear to know not to worry about intention and interest of any man.

Both are very clear.

I tend to see what is regarding that aspect intention and interest level; But motivation abd desired oucome abd REASON for such is less clear at times.

And as a pacifist for myself I ALSO do not find it incongruent to support a strong military and defense.

It's more so for me all things in balance and support of defense for ME is limited to what I see as ethical. The apa e mmmm?oh

I would choose to believe in myself and my capacity to do good with for places I know to be (or at least BELIEVE to be ethical.)

Yet you can not judge that with accuracy if you only see a veneer, only see the exterior mask. THe world filled with OPPORTUNISTS LESS THAN ETHICAL AND IT IS HARD TO MAKE DISTINCTION M

Hard to bet out whst is doen and whose experience if reality to support.

I firmly believe MENTALLY WELL people could be lined up and have distinct differences in their distinct experiences and memories

What the fuck ( and I say this jokingly cause it is the one likely PTSD manifestation, but then I think of I am not demonstrating ANY OTHER Bipolar symptoms but fir this could it just be TRUTH and not DELUSION?

Any time that is suggested it usually is received as further evidence of delusion ha ha ha. 😂

The wring lies the dilemma. To share the thought to clear and release and move in and not entertain them Is my tactic for mental heath.


AND I get to a place of a foundation of trust. ; thst is sort of....
I do not want to give fear any space in my head.

I will not let fear hold court
Or fillabuster

Also here I describe my day to day life

AnD HERE capture and release fears!

Lol 😆 🤣 😂

As I have enough faith in self for it to take my time when dating, typically before I would be fully emotionally available.

But that developed into clear commitment phobia and my releasing more than one good man.

But the pattern of the men dated in VA who I resonates with is heavily weighed by people I met from My bestie.
Possibility of orchestration is there and while not likely a possibility.

AND I'd there are things that I font know, by conjecture I imagine or consider what , if fact, increases that possibility.

So fir example when I see a REAL data point 👉 clearly giving a hint

I fucking see it.

And those are not abke to be accounted for by string faith and serendipity

I just don't buy it.

AND they have occurred in the men I dumped

Cause I dud not trust anymore they had interest in my not curated with some agenda.

I mean in case of Henry it was the agenda of June herself, which she straight up acknowledged, was the desire to keep Henry close and in her life.

Which is why her anger at our having not told her.
My daring style for sure is catch but hold only for a long time in hope and faith 🙏 and belief that if it is love , yeah both of us will make choices to nurture the relationship ultimately , yet there are so many different kinds of love that I have developed and accepted carve out relationships nurturing different aspects of love.

Gandalf is feeling very different.
Like possibility of ACTUAL more I could accept and not reject
1. If it is real and I will be straight up , not a work assignment.

I seriously do not think IT paranoid to consider the possibility. I feel like At some point I could have naively MISSED something that someone may have interest in? I mean that feds have interest in.

It fucking does happen.

Not delusions there are many fed workers here. I mean June is one of the fucking smartest people I ever met the way she navigates living and working all off grid.

Tell you this
I do not want to be used in any respect.

I am going to be protective of myself I'm every respect no matter what my feelings are about someone.

Cause never again will I set myself up for abuse.

All that said I look forward to connecting with Gandalf.

And this will not be mentioned or shared euth him. It is my personal safe space and the Lifeline I need to feel safe and secure

I will leave some bread crumbs here. Cause of anything we're ever to happen to me someone eoukd havecto follow them. This always has been my source of comfort thst transparency provides safety. Talk about abd expose darkness with light
And things become less scary
And at times also literally less dangerous.

Yes especially playgrounds! Lol even though I miss seeing the stars 🌟 from the close one I like to walk Trixie at

I also made one mistake. When I got a ride from Gandalf I delighted in his offer to walk the dog.

He walked Trixie. I shoukd have said no and offered to walk her WITH him instead of Yes to his sweet offer to walk her as I did a few things I needed to get done ( bringing things in). It was presented as respecting the boundary of him not wanting to impose and walk inside with things to help me out of respect gor my kids. BUT there could be other agenda.

This is my paranoid mind

He'll I just need to see my Dr and be really smart at setting really healthy boundaries. Pretty essential.

I don't want any man in my world too soon


I have to know him more. I can share some aspects and let him in to some extent

But not too much too soon.

I worry about some things he did that I have seen beone before and wonder at THAT pattern.

Things my winery owner friend said or did.

Just a red flag for me.

But I know my fears.

Time will tell.

I usually like bring alone and know part of this panic regarding him is due to the at times feeling I am in an emotional desert 🏜 environment with all my trusted , who I KNOW are genuine friends living far away!!

I know I just need to call and connect with them for emotional support and will be less vulnerable. This love could be safe
But it also feels like possibly orchestrated for dome rationale not attuned to. I just want to be cautious and ensure my home is safe and my kids provided for in a place thst feels secure. I want yo be both mentally and physically well to be able to provide fir then.

If that STILL means relation avoidance so be it..

I font eant yo hurt domeone else if thst is so.

I might not yet be ready as much ad I would like to be.

Trust will get there in time.

Damn need pain medication again. And too soon. Fir the one that has been working. I REALLY do not want to have to take the stronger stuff. My 18 yr old forgot her ID so could not sign and pick it up when she kindly wentvyo get it ( at the 11th hr) cause she said " What if the over the counter stuff dies not work in middle of tge night?"

Good call kid! Great gratitude for these kids that did stro up to plate to help. 2 outta 3 did. One was toxic but will leave it at that 😥)

I forgot to tell her to get Tylenol.
Took 600 MG of Ibuprofin and 6 hrs later 1:30 AM!!

Can take Tylenol abd dumb I forgot to check if have any.

Only a short time til 1:30

Swear this too is PTSD thing:
Exceptionally high pain tolerance. Can't be good is what it is

I sm not fucking around with opiates if don't need to.

BuT I kinda wanted to do the world a favor cause how many times does an opiate Prescribed NOT get picked up? Then signed 4 and brought home by staff?

Think about it.

In health care addiction happens when personnel pretend and sign off on drug delivery and either do not give at all ( in cases where some patients really don't seem to need it cause never can tell til it is needed and best be ON HAND when need it!)

Someone should run data on Real instances of how often really needed and then
Aggregate data of spaces to measure actual of consumption.

Red flags should appear in the data.

Here you go Gandalf. A project for you 😆
( if identified this lol 😆😂🤣 )

I straight up told him my knickname. Only other person did that with was Kato who also has suspicious background and story 🤔.

So going yo sleep now after articulating My fears
Grateful operation done!!
Apprechiate the Healthcare
And will rest if can. Will ping the CNA ( HA HA) or rather all as they r in a group chat to see if anyone can find Tylenol in the house 🏠.

But the pain is not bad. Better when mitigated , but tolerable. A 3 by my measure. I would prefer to take something as this ibuprofen wears off so it does not get worse



about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

WAITING To hear if can fly. - 2023-06-12


- - 2023-06-11


Feel Better - 2023-06-11


Feels like he forgot - 2023-06-11


Ah fuck. Dud not violate any NDA but still overshared and that creates risk best avoided - 2023-06-09