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2023-06-09 - 1:47 p.m.

Back home after surgery.
The oldest kid here is being fantastic. Helped me and is running errands of picking up scripts and some groceries I want ( for salad) .
I can rest in peace and the oldest rallying troops...
Head Charge Nurse
Keeping CNAs aware of their responsibilities.

I handed the Discharge Instructions to him so he would understand them.
He was great as took it seriously abd rrsf it all aloud to me

I was still tired ( I mean am)
Rest now.
And Recovery.
Grateful for this one child of mine here as his presence changes dynamic in a good way ( that is dynamic of one of the others) so two bring helpful .
The third is still weirdly consistently negative and critical toward me and trying to assert control . I texted the older helpful one( who I knicknamed and called the nurse) the list of few things to buy ( Salad mix tomatoes a cucumber, yogurt, granola and this kid said " "Don't listen to her and buy anything she asked for" So bizarre.
They are all down the hall in a room and I could hear so I engaged and responded


The younger two explained we have lettuce in fridge, there are berries too
And the controlling obviously anger projected at me child of mine said " Last time you bought a cucumber you cut off less than a third of it and the rest rotted.

The older sibling said " So just buy smaller cucumber. " and did not listen to the nasty comments and attempts to control by younger sibling.

Problem is the the youngest two " pack" with me as the object of being able to express the emotion of anger in a safe place. I wish we could move on to the learning of how to express love too!! ❤️ the love Is there but hidden. X
and is like their trauma and past hurt needs healing ( I mean LONG PAST just takes time to heal. Deeper trauma more time I suppose).

So yes the anger is legit at times
Like sure my youngest does have reason to be angry I entered her room when she did ho out to her Dad's for a few days. I assumed she woukd not mind and washed her bedding.
She has need for her own space to be respected. But the Leven of anger is disproportionate I think to my transgression.

I think the younger two just need most of all for me to listen to them
They just have a need to be heard
And KNOW they are respected. And KNOW
I actually really CARE about their comfort.
Too tired to write more.
Time for rest.
There is a georgous mixed bouquet with pink and red roses and pink and white Lily and baby's breath on my dresser which gives?me comfort as I think of how caring and loving Gandalf has been to me.
I just dozed as thinking of what a comfort he truly is to me.
It's so different . I mean to gave such comfort and trust Nd feel loved so.
We don't even know each other long
We are realists.
So we both know this is early falling in love ( fallen to be more accurate but its an ongoing process) and then reality of life may have the unfolding of layers of unknown of each other and there may be , will be, lots of issues and to come up and face.

We get it , biochemical pheromones...etc...sure I know scientifically 18 mo expiration date is LONGEST according yo studies....yet

I believe there is something more. Science can't capture and document and ever measure souls

When there is that kind of alignment which is so rare it feels other worldly


It felt like a dream this man who captured my heart already said he would like to take me to the theater on my night off if I would like.

It was magical to sit with budding love just behinning to unfold petal by petal as immersed in the experience of Hadestown.
This National Theater performance was electrifying. The audience were really active participants. They brought tremendous joy , excitement, energy and gratitude. It was just a phenomenal collective joyful experience.

I fell asleep trying to find the wording in my head to describe the whole show

Sublime popped in my head

I have to look thst up to see if captures the essence. That is not what thinking at first . Yes that too

But how to capture thst this show was the best ever seem by me (of all the theater attended) because of not only the authentivity of performers in their transformation to represent a character for a time and tell the story
Of possibility of change in both self and our world

This performance made Hades and Persephone the central love story, with
Hades on the cusp of allowing to trust love but overthinking , being pragmatic, and prioritizing his ego over others so he squelched that possibility to do somethimg greater beyond himself.

This peiduction however , itself, did create a small world where the inhabitants beliefs are that we can be kind and show gratitude and some shift is a least for a moment.
When sitting in that theater there was nothing passive in the watching. We in the audience were touched, emotionally and deeply. Some may walk away changed; but even if it were only one that now yearns to experience that kind of authentic love of genuine concern and care of others, this show itself is step by step,
show by show , and person by person nurtuing souls to yearn to create the world we envision.

**** I Have to sleep and too tired to clean up and edit rest of this entry. I So the blow are still the raw first draft will get fixed someday n]
And some will see the hope and ppossbikyt. Sure Hades did not do all we as audience hope for or dreamed one but he shows capacity to love deeply and to let go of ego a bit. Each step is still growth abdxotogrrss. We rejoiced when he rook those steps to accept love . He just had to stop building the wall around his heart and let it bsck in.a fissure, a Crack is all it really takes to have light shine in a dark space.

That yes we cab create that ream of.
Do don't give yp
Whe h storms come
We are stringer together and love will sustain uomm

Yes at times we will fail

But don't stop trying because we have hope abd faith

An undefinable yet very real, perhsps otherworldly and distant yet fleeling at times , connecting of live is ther and we can collaborate and tap into it an change our world.

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- - 2023-06-11


Feel Better - 2023-06-11


Feels like he forgot - 2023-06-11


Ah fuck. Dud not violate any NDA but still overshared and that creates risk best avoided - 2023-06-09


Recovery going well so far but for a little bit of pain when still. Pain if move so have bot been moving from bed but 4 stretch and bathroom. - 2023-06-09